I Don't Need No Stinken Cell Phone
By ice rivers
Cell Phone? I don't need no stinken cell phone! Why would i want people to be in touch with me everywhere I go. The reason I go anywhere in the first place is because I don't want anybody to get in touch with me in the first place.
Yeah, I suppose I can always turn off the goddamned thing when I'm out and about but then my wife is likely to call me and if the cell phone is off, she's gonna wonder what the hell I'm doing that makes it necessary for me to turn off my phone. Then I'm gonna have to come up with some half-assed explanation about why I turned the thing off in the first place and then steel myself for the list of catastrophes that didn't occur that might have occurred that I wouldn't have known about if I had my cell phone turned activated.
"What if our house burned down?"
"What if a bunch of hooligans had broke into our house and they were threatening to burn the place down and kill the dog and do something dreadful to me and I couldn't get in touch with you cuz you had your phone turned off."
"What if somebody called and said that you had won a million dollar sweepstakes but you had to call back in the next five minutes or else the money would go to somebody else."
I'm pretty sure you get my drift.
None of that shit is gonna happen.
Give me a landline anytime.
With a landline, I'm in my home where I want to be when I'm trying to deal with something diffficult or when I'm just trying to have an enjoyable conversation. Hell, I'd even go back to the party line days when I was pretty sure that Lucille Reisig from down the street was listening into my calls so I made sure not to say anything negative about her or her family or about anybody she knew which included the whole neighborhood including my parents.
If something occurred when I was on the road, I always carried change with me so I could find a phone booth and get help. Try to find a phone booth nowadays. Good luck, Clark Kent.
Phone booths used to be a symbol of American freedom and communication. There was always a phone booth around somewhere. They died a sudden death, gradually.
I didn't even know they were going until they were gone.
Texting! Don't even get me started on texting! I don't text. I don't want to be texted. I don't want to be trying to concentrate on teevee and have a text come in from somebody who's going to be pissed off if I don't text them back in the next five seconds which interrupts my attention and breaks my concentration on the teevee show that I'm trying to watch.
Also what the shit when I'm trying to get the attention of someone over something important right in front of our very eyes and they get a text and start paying attention to the goofy message that they are receiving and stop paying attention to whatever it is that I'm trying to convey which requires some degree of concentration or else I'm gonna have to repeat the whole thing all over again.
And the goddamned camera on the phones. I've got my own camera for God sake. It's a 35 m digital Canon SLR with hundreds of dollars of accessories that I can't use in half the places that I go to take pictures because my lens is too long or they don't allow SLR's or some other horseshit at the same time that morons with cell phones are shooting away like mad without the slightest idea of the difference between an f stop and a g spot.
No, I wish cell phones had never been invented. I don't like them. I don't need them and neither do any of us. Can't we just leave one another alone for five five minutes. Let the deer and the antelope play. Let's forget about discouraging words or getting all worked up over nothing.
Leave me alone.
I vant to be alone.
If I want to talk, I'll call you from my land line in my kitchen.
In the meantime, put down your phone. I dare ya.