What should I call myself?

UUUm how about this one then Shaun Simon or Simons.

Well how about Rachel Tiffany Good luck.

Dear Sue, I thought cunnilingus was a subsidiary of the Irish Airline until I looked it up in the dictionary, I do apologise. Ethel Pipe was actually a real person born in the 1850,s, she was the first woman in Wilsden to wear steel trousers. Yours, in an honest frame of mind, Mark.

*gasps* ... what is happening to this thread? ... as if it wasn't enough to have dwarfs and whores on one of the others!

You can get away with anything in the name of art, Ivy!

Hi Sue It doesn't really matter what you call yourself really - if you get married again you could always be "artist formerly known as...." and the like. And I think it also depends on what kind of author you want to be. If you want to go to all of the book signings and do interviews etc (I'm assuming great success here ;-) - it is probably best to stick to something near the truth - i.e. maiden name, nick names etc but if you don't care for all that - then any name is fine. I can't help laughing at the thought of you turning up to an interview and being introduced as "Ivor Loudmouth" or something hehehe..............

Yes, Rachel Tiffany. It has quite a ring to it, I admit. Rowena Tiffany? Rowena Thorne (no, nothing with th, too difficult for non-English speakers to pronounce)? Talullah Birkenhead? Tamara Coolidge? Carol Coolidge? I read somewhere that certain names were more appealing than others. Names with lots of o's and c's scored high (Catherine Cookson?) while names with k's and f's were less successful (can't think of a good example here, which probably proves the point). Hell, I'd better get the book finished first, then we'll see...

Rachel Tiffany sounds like she writes bonk-busters. Carol Coolige could well be the next Booker Prize winner. And I have a horrible feeling Tallulah Birkenhead writes books only sold in sex shops... Of course, if you are writing a 'trashy' novel, remember, a short name will get written in bigger (embossed, shiny?) letters than a long name ;-)

I'm not sure what a 'trashy' novel is, Emily. Looking around the average bookshop I see lots of trash, in all categories. As for one's name writ large, I think that's only if the name is reckoned to sell the book - Jilly Cooper, Jeffrey Archer, Jane Austen, etc. I have to admit I'd love to see my name in big embossed shiny letters, except that it won't be my name.

Dear Sue, it wasn't a joke, I still think that ETHEL PIPE is a truly inspired name!!!

Trash is a complimentary term for books as far as I'm concerned (I'm currently working on my trashy bonk-buster - maybe I could borrow 'Rachel' Tiffany' as a name if you don't use her?) I reckon the 'trash' label is applied to anything that's easy to read with a generous dollop of sex thrown in for good measure. Shiny letters are a clue, as are neon covers. But I confess, I LOVE trash - nothing better than lying back in the bath absorbed in the adventures of a plucky heroine who's made good after a difficult background :-)

your mothers' maiden name?

Dear Sue, I 'm glad the book's going well, I can just about manage the length of a short story! About a name, how about, `Ethel Pipe`, it's got a nice ring to it. Yours, in a helpful mood, Mark.

Sue, As you must be hoping for success financially, as well as creatively, I think you should use the name on your bank account paying in book to save time when the money rolls in. Regards, Chris

Answer to Mark: where I live and in the language I speak day-to-day "Ethel pijpt" means Ethel performs cunnilingus. this may explain my reluctance to take on this particular name... Answer to Emily: do take Rachel Tiffany if the name appeals to you - or perhaps you'd prefer Ethel Pipe? I'll keep on searching... Incidentally, my novel also has all the requisite plucky heroine made good characteristics, plus large doses of intrigue, suspense, heroism and a warm family atmosphere. It is also carefully researched and - dare I say it? - extremely well written. Now, with my chest red and raw after so much thumping, I shall return to work...

That's the name I've given to my heroine.

Hmm.. don't think Ethel Pipe writes the sort of smut I'm working on! Your novel sounds ace - all the key ingredients - are you going to put any chapters on the site for us to read or do we have to wait till it comes out? Make sure you keep us posted! My novel also has the plucky heroine, but not a lot of warm family atmosphere because, judging on the way my heroine reacts to most people, she'd probably end up sleeping with them, and it may be a smutty book, but it's not *that* smutty!

Betty Swollocks

I'll probably land up with my *real* name after all, otherwise when people call me I won't answer and that might be a pity. Incidentally, some of the contributor's names at ABCTales take some beating! Is there really a writer called Ophelia Balls?

Hi Sue, No hard feelings!! How about auntie jackie? I would even allow you to use my bank account!! For a small fee, I would even allow you to draw some money. OOOps gone too far TaRa auntie jackie :>)

No. Don't be so silly duckie.

Married twice already Sue! Was this as the result of bad judgement or perhaps an addiction to weddings? Maybe if you've got a new man in your life you could save a lot of aggravation by using his name, on second thoughts with your record that might be a mistake! Ok, I'm just kidding, I've had my share of problems too. Good luck with the book.

Why would anyone want to feel yours when they could go for real ones?

Just call me 'Norma Stitz.'

Or even MYB!