Snappy rebuffs to cold callers

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Snappy rebuffs to cold callers

These annoy me at work where they lie to get past my receptionist. She is instructed to tell them I am dead but they still want to know, notwithstanding my demise, whether I am interested in purchasing their product from beyond the grave. At home, my hatred of these people is cranked up to 11. I got one of them so angry once that he repeatedly called me back and hung up on me.

Then there are those who dare to come to my door. Now I work an average of 13 to 14 hours per day so the temptation to get medieval on their asses is all too high. Yes I will buy a sponge from the chap who is just trying to turn his life around - they are the exception but Lionel Shriver's response to those trying to peddle door to door religion is perfect (for those familiar with "we need to talk about Kevin".

I appreciate that this rant might make me sound a little,lets say, uncharitable and hardened but that is because I am very uncharitable and very hardened and it is the cold callers who did it to me! My job is all about helping people who cannot help themselves and I love it, but I do not count amongst those, the people who have for whatever reason, decided to spend their lives working in call centres.

Worse still and this one I abhor - is the man who constantly comes to our door and nags my wife to have our sodding tree cut. She has given in to him one and he clearly did bugger all and charged her for the pleasure of not doing anything. She has told him to come back and speak with me at the weekend.

I hope he does......

One of the first jobs I ever had was as a dreaded cold caller, lavadis, and believe me I did not enjoy bothering people for below minimum wage whilst they were watching Corrie just to ask if they wanted B.O.G.O.F windows. The only enjoyable moment was when I got through to a very elderly woman who didn't have many regular phonecalls or visitors, and by that point I was through with the job and of being a tea-time annoyance and so I sat at my booth and quietly chatted with her for three quarters of an hour and smiled for a week when she hung up after telling me I'd made her day. Mrs Cooper, she was called. Not all cold callers are as ignorant as they appear, but I can understand completely where you are coming from here. Enjoyed reading this post - your humour will see you through. Hope you give that cheeky tree chap what for this weekend ;)
Yes blighters I have tried the - remove me from your database nicely approach and it usually works at home but never at work. Unfortunately no-one has told the abused kids that I represent in care proceedings that they can only hurt them within working hours, coupled with horrific reductions in government funding for this work so the hours are the hours. I am grateful to be able to do the job for the kids and love it. The funniest one of these callers was the one who wanted to sell my wife a hospital savings policy. She told him she wanted to buy it but he kept reading his script, she told him again she wanted to buy it but he kept reading and in the end she put the phone down! I know that people have to get the jobs they can but as ever your comments are very wise.


Hi Lavadis I quite understand where your coming from , cold callers to business numbers are a dammed nuisance. I recently opened my own website , I now get constant calls from people who want to re-design my web for me DUHHH that's half the fun why should I pay someone else, to have my fun ? . So I devised a new plan I let them rabbit on, then at the end just say Oh Sorry what! I was distracted by the News on TV, can you say that again , then leave the phone a while on the armchair . Do you know I have only ever had one person stay waiting for a reply , and I think it was just because he fell asleep and I woke him up by picking the phone back up . The other method I tried nearly gave one poor girl a heart attack , the pause you get just before they talk to you alerts you it's a cold call as most of the dialling is robotic , they then start to talk . I answered and she was about to speak and I asked how she got this number to which she replied it's done by computer . I told her that she had come through to the private apartments at Westminster Palace , to which she actually replied " Oh F*** " and hung up . she never phoned back . So keep up the good work and when you find that elusive sentence that tells them to go away politely please let me know . Regards Clive Pearson
Clive, your post really made me laugh


I aim to please lol
I really wish I had actual people cold-calling so I could use these. All I get is recorded messages telling me I can get compensation for the accident I had (I haven't as yet had an accident). No matter how witty, cutting or abusive I am, they just keep talking.
To be honest I was a bit concerned that the "compensation for the accident you had" line was a veiled threat suggesting maybe I was going to have an accident if I wasn't careful. Along the lines of the insurance racket "very flammable building you've got here, could go up like a torch, would you like to buy some insurance?" Blighters your explanation actually feels less sinister to me.
I love them, becuse i can have fun with them. I pretend to be deaf (on the phone) so they have to repeat everythin 2 or even 3 times. Then I ask them about there own circumstances, married, children etc. Then I invite them to a bar b que at the weekend. Its fancy dress of course and they have to come as some weird thing out of star trek! If by this time they haven't hung up even better. I then tell them that my phone is bugged and that every word they have said is now being monitored by the FBI as I am on a witness protection programme. Loads of fun!


You made me laugh until I cried Jolono


Jolono's got the right idea :) I usually get 'em to dive right into their spiel, then stuff the phone under a cushion and wander off to Do Other Things. It can take them quite a while to realise no-one's listening :) There are some hilarious YouTube vids about this, will see if I can dig some up.
The best one I have done is when a cold caller phoned when I was having dinner, i pretended to be a detective and told him he had just interupted a murder enquiry! I then asked him all sorts of questions about his relationship with the deceased. Ending with saying that he would have to come in for more questioning as his story didn't add up He hung up very quickly.


Jolono This made me laugh so much I just inhaled a cornflake


Not telling porkies are you, Jolono? That one sounds very familiar...:)
Andrea, That was one of the funniest clips I have ever watched. Thank you!


I saw it on tv a few years ago and it made me crack up. So I have tried it twice, both times its worked perfectly!


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