The Most Annoying Boy In The World

The Most Annoying child in the world
By
Ged Backland

"Nothing ever good came out of war," my English teacher said that the
day I got expelled. "Yes it did I said from the back of the class in a
voice just audible above shoe shuffling, yawning, pen tapping and the
tick tock from the enormous school clock in the lecture hall where we
had our double English lesson since 'vandals ' broke into the main
tutorial block smeared dog shit on the windows and spray painted a huge
bus stop knob on the blackboard, before poking holes in the ceiling
that disturbed the dormant asbestos that has put the class off limits
'til the end of the year. "Nothing good ever came out of war," he spoke
through his nose Mr Kinnerton as well as his arse.
"Bouncey Castles, I offered, what about Bouncey castles, they came out
of war and they're heaps of fun. Kids love 'em, adults get pissed and
love 'em."
" And how did they come out of war? he questioned above the giggles and
over the stares of the whole class including Simon Hughes who was
mouthing 'you're so dead' whilst mimicking a slit throat.
"Paratroopers Sir in the forties trained on them,big ones big bouncey
castles like they have today although not in a mucky yellow and red and
no comedy turrets." It should have stopped there with the Eastenders
percussionist signaling the end of of the episode but no, I had to
carry on.
"Very good then, Kinnerton acknowledged but repeated Nothing good ever
came of war." I knew I should've shut up but there's something inside
me when a teacher talks, something that makes me want to shout out and
prove him wrong.
"Combat trousers," I shouted. The class went into uproar Simon Hughes
was almost touretts like with his exaggerating throat slitting and
being hanged impressions, all the other kids were turned looking at me
either laughing or shaking their heads in disbelief. "What?" Kinnerton
demanded I repeat my shout.
"Combat trousers Sir, they're great, they came out of War, even you've
got a pair, you wore them on the field trip to Rhyll.
Kinnerton just stared
"Combat trousers Sir, even Marks and Spencers are doing them now.
Straight off the battle field them Sir, straight from the mud blood and
glory - Sir"
"Get to Mr Smith." Kinnerton barked. Mr. Smith was the headmaster an
Old Etonian with one cauliflower ear and breath that could knock a fly
off a bucket of poo. A joyous roar went up in the class as all the kids
waved me out of my seat and Simon Hughes the theatrical little bugger
nearly wet himself with the excitement of it all.
"What for Sir?" I asked but Kinnerton just held the door open and tried
to quieten the mob.
"Clever little bugger."he said as I passed him and walked into the
corridor.
Mr Smith's office was weird, on his desk he always had two Fray Bentos
tinned steak and kidney pies with puff pastry and a jumbo open bag of
sherbert lemons.
"Well lad sit yourself down what is it this time?"

"Nothing Sir."
"All the boys I ask the reason why they're here they say nothing, come
on boy spit it out.
"It's Mr Kinnerton Sir, said nothing good came out of war."
"And?"
"I said bouncey castles sir, they came out of the second world war and
they're good ask any kid, even adults love them."
Smith looked at me with immense interest, he knew I was right.
"That may be so Son he said, opening his drawer to get his favourite
whacking strap, but generally nothing good has come out of war, don't
cha agree?"
"Yes Sir, I submitted, then it rose up again the voice that had to be
heard, apart from "Combat trousers." Smith put down the strap
"Combat trousers?"
"Yes sir everyone wears them, from pop stars to Mr Kinnertion himself
Sir, army pants you must have seen them Sir ,they're everywhere?"
"Quite Quite, he said picking up the strap again. But on the whole son
nothing good has ever come out of war, you agree?"
"Yes Sir.. Oh no the voice is rising?. The Beetle Sir?"
Smith sucked in a huge breath and put the strap back down.
"The Beetle?"
"The Volkswagen Beetle sir, the peoples car developed by Hitler in the
forties then going on to be the biggest selling mass production car in
the world sir, the air cooled engine lasts forever Sir, still make them
in Brazil you know Sir?"
Smith's eyes sunk behind a furrowed brow,
"The Beetle you're right on that one lad, had one myself bright orange,
never let me down, but all things considered Mr Kinnerton is correct
wouldn't you agree that nothing good has come out of war?"
"Yes sir?."
"Right,"he picked the strap up again.
"Apart."
"Apart!" Mr. Smith was going very red and the strap when down
again.
"Apart from MASH, Sir."
"Mash?"
"Yes Sir Mash Sir, greatest sit-com in American television history,
remember it Sir ?" 'suicide is painless it brings on many changes and I
can take or leave it if I please.'
Headmaster Smith was breathing heavy he sat back in his leather chair
and his leg went up and kicked his desk scattering Sherbert Lemons and
sliding the pie tins across his desk.
"Korean War sir I think it was, a lot of people thought it was Vietnam
but it was Korea."
"Boy, he gasped, listen to me Generally nothing good has come of war.
Got that?' the strap went up again as he got to his feet
wheezing.
"Yes Sir?."
"Right six whacks for your cheek and back to class.Hand out and repeat
after me nothing good ever came out of war."
"Nothing good ever cam out of war except."
"EXCEPT!"
"Tins sir, tins came out of war, without war we'd have no tinned goods,
Americans invented them Sir for the boys on the battlefield so they
could have fresh rations. They're good aren't they sir tins my dad
loves tinned peaches do you Sir do you like a tinned peach, suede
apples my mum calls peaches sir isn't that funny, 'what's for pud mum ?
I'll shout , 'a tin of suede apples you little monkey she'll shout back
Sir.' Look sir like these Fray Bentos Pies of yours, tinned Sir, thank
war for them Sir war and good old Uncle Sam."
Headmaster Smith just slumped back in his chair and held his head in
his hands.
The end of school bell blasted out.
"Just get out boy."
Yes Sir I said, grateful not to be leaving with stinging hands.
"And Boy."
"Yes Sir?"
"No one likes a smart alec."
"Yes Sir? But the voice welled up, Mrs Hawkins does sir, Mrs Steven
Hawkins he's married you know sir, married his nurse, he a smart Alec
sir. She likes him, must do she married him didn't she?

The End