Milk it While it Lasts

"MILK IT WHILE IT LASTS"

Noo if ye hud asked me yesterday, ah wid huv replied: "The bastard's
got a lot tae

answer fur". Ah'm speaking aboot thon boy thit wrote "Trainspotting".
However,

things are definitely looking up. The cutest wee burd tae speak tae me
in ages huz

just looked intae ma eyes and telt me that she likes ma accent. That
ah'm like the

boy wha' played the main character in "Trainspotting" (the movie ye
understand.... no

the play or the soundtrack or the t shirt or the book). She's sitting
right close beside

us in the pub wir in, and she's goat a skirt oan thit comes tae jist
below hur belly

button. Ah'm trying no tae look, but it's well nigh impossible given
thit she keeps

flicking ash oafay the fag ah gave hur oantay hur legs.

"Look at the state of my tights!" she's saying, an ah'm trying tae
commiserate an' no

let ma hard oan show it the same time. Iz ah say though, it husnae
eywis been like

this.

When ah first came doon tae London, an folk heard ma accent, it wis aw
this, "See

you Jimmy!" shite ah hud tae pit up wi' aw the time. Ah wid be asked if
Russ Abbot

wis ma faither or ma brother? Did ah pour lager or whisky oan ma
cornflakes when

ah hud ma breakfast? Whit did ah think ay London...must make a change
wi' it

huvin' running water an' electricity..... an' sunshine? When wis ah
gauny learn tae

speak English? Etcetera, etfuckincetera.

Course, ah dished it oot back tae the boys it ma work......asked thum
whit made

thum want tae change joabs fae bein' a chimney sweep and the like, but
it the end

ay the day ah wis eywis worn doon by sheer weight o' numbers. Funny
thing wis

though, ye'd also get these cunts thit wid huv a few drinks n' then
start tellin' ye how

they were part Scottish. "Yeah Jock, I'm part Scotch on me Mum's side."
they wid

proudly announce, then expect me tae be aw impressed. Same cunts thit
go oan

aboot the Irish fitba team...."only need to drink a pint of guinness to
qualify to play for

the Micks, don'tcha?"

When the Trainspotting book first came oot ah read it an' ah wis quite
chuffed.

Same iz when ah discovered aboot James Kelman. Ah wis still oan the
broo in

Scotland it the time an' it wis guid tae read some stuff whaur the
characters actually

sounded like folk ye knew. Ah devoured aw ay his books thit they hud in
the local

library. Iz fur the literary punters that dismissed it an aw that, well
fuck them onywey.

They urnae the punters that the books wur written fur, so thir opinions
ur largely

redundant. Even when Kelman won the Booker Prize eftir ah'd moved doon
here,

naebody mentioned it tae me, cause naebody really knew aboot it or wis
interested.

That aw started tae change when Trainspotting became popular but.
Suddenly aw

these acquaintances that hud previously jist took the piss ootay ma
accent, startit

askin' me whit this word, n' that word meant. It wis like workin' fur
the Scottish

Consulate or somethin'. It goat worse thin that. Next it wis, "Will you
read us this

bit?" Like it's fuckin' Jackanory fae Jockland or sumthin'. "Hello
children....todays

story is all about drug addiction in a magical city far, far away in
the North called

Edinburgh."

Folk wur startin' tae get interested in ma "culture", and it wis
awready gettin' oan ma

tits, ah kin tell ye. Must be like bein' an Indian or a Pakistani, an'
ev'ry bastard ye

meet tells ye how much they like eatin' curry.

Things really goat fuckin' worse when the film came oot though. Ah've
been wearin'

ma hair in a short crop fur years, an when ah saw aw these reviews ay
the film in the

press, an' the boy Ewan MacGregor's goat his cut the same....well ah
knew whit wis

fuckin' comin'.

Noo ah wis gettin' it fae aw the thick bastards thit couldnae read a
book if they fuckin'

tried, bit went tae the pictures. If ah went tae the lavvy it work, it
wis aw...."Watch

you don't fall dahn the pan Jock". Or else they wid make cracks aboot
"wot's all

them marks on your arm then Jock?"

So onywey, iz ah sais, ah'd really hud it in fur thon Irvine Welsh cunt
fur quite some

time. Until the night that is. When ah meets this lassie wha's talking
tae some boys

ah know fae the work. Ah could see a spark ay recognition in hur eyes
soon iz ah

opened ma mooth upon bein' introduced. She's clocked the accent n' ah'm
gaunae

huv tae field questions aw night aboot whether or no' life up in
Scotland's really like it

is in the film. It least that's whit ah thoat. Turns oot though, she
thoat the boy in the

film wis deid cute, an seein' is he's no likely tae turn up in the pub
the night....ah'm in

wi' a chance ay bein' his stand in. Course it's aw shallow iz fuck the
hale situation,

bit fur the time bein' ah'm no' complainin'. She seems tae be fairly
happy n'aw.

Ever the consummate professional, ah saunter up tae the bar tae get
mair drinks in,

makin' sure hur voddy's a double. It wis nevir like this when
"Gregory's Girl", "Take

the High Road", or "Rab C Nesbitt" hit the screen. No thit ah'm
complainin' mind.

Might even be a chance ay some "Action!" later oan. Mibbe ah should
tell hur thon

joke aboot thir bein' nuthin' worn under the kilt...cause it's aw in
guid workin' oardir.

Aye then again.....mibbe no. Ye kin lay it oan a bit too thick
sometimes.