Looking for Andrew (Journal 10)
Well, the unexpected did happen and I didn't see it coming. Andrew dumped me by text!
After that lovely day, when Andrew was so full of hope and plans, came the nadir in our relationship. To be honest, if it hadn't been him calling it a day, then it would definitely have been me.
The morning started badly, with Andrew ringing me on my day off work and asking me to book him a taxi. He was stranded out of town and wasn't very well. I grudgingly rang a mini cab and paid for it over the phone. You owe me the money for it, I told him, along with the money for tobacco and train fare to Folkestone. He agreed that he did owe me and would pay me back.
Later, I saw him begging outside the train station and bought him his regular latte with five sugars. His face was swollen due to his infected tooth and he looked like a hamster storing nuts. While a nice middle class family bought tickets from the machine, I had a conversation with Andrew about emergency dentists. The outcome being that he couldn't be bothered to see one. He'd been throwing up all night, but still seemed able to tackle the chicken and mushroom pasty I'd bought him. We parted friends: I told him to take care of himself and he gave me a nice lopsided, fat-cheeked smile.
I didn't really think about him for the rest of the day, other than to realise that I could take the six quid he owed me for a cab, out of the money someone had given me to get passport photos for his ID card. I didn't feel guilty about this - Andrew's debt to me had escalated to £50 and that's money I can barely afford to go without. I texted him, to let him know and received a very rude response.
I had the audacity to point out to him that he's an ungrateful sod, though in far more polite terms than he deserved.
"why's everyone having a go at me today" he texted back.
"because you ask for things constantly, perhaps?"
"I do it myself from now on thanks for your help"
I then blocked his number on my phone, just in case either of us is tempted to change our minds.
So, I haven't seen him for a few days, but I'm no longer worried about him. I have known him for long enough to see a messy pattern of highs and lows. He's the most erratic person I have ever met. He won't change and he won't accept help beyond his immediate physical needs. Everything I give him, he either loses or destroys, or perhaps sells for drugs. I may as well throw money down the drain. All of the care I show him, just bounces off him. He doesn't even notice it, because other people don't seem to mean anything to him.
It feels like a complete waste of time, except that it wasn't. I realise that I was trying to focus on someone else's problems, rather than sorting out my own life, because my own psyche seems broken beyond mending and my current problems seem insurmountable. It was an elaborate form of procrastination. Except that on his good days, I did really like Andrew. I wish him well without me.