Death Becomes Him - Part 5

‘’Awrite… Jesus’’ concedes, Craigy.

 

Ah pick up the notepad and pen that’s restin oan the side table. ‘’Right, lads’’ ah tell thum. ‘’We need tae pit the appropriate arrangements in place fur when ah’m gone’’

 

Dougie’s still in denial aboot ma fate, though, eh? ‘’Is this really fuckin necessary?’’ he asks.

 

‘’Aye, it fuckin is’’ ah tell him.

 

We sit and go through what needs tae happen wae ma personal belongins and the flat. Who should be invited tae ma send oaff, n aw that. Oor thoats quickly turn tae the yin person who really matters in hale situation though, Brucie.

 

‘’So, what’s tae happen tae the wee man if the worst does happen?’’ mulls Dougie

 

‘’He’s gone tae ma sister. Her and her bairns doat oan him’’

 

‘’Ah thoat me and Justine wur gittin him? It coasts a loat ae money tae keep a dug. And wae her promotion we kin afford it, mate?’’

 

Starin directly at these pair ae tits ah set thum straight ‘’There is nae wey ah’m entrustin either ae you two wae the only hing ah goat right in ma life. Dinnae worry aboot the money. Ah’m leavin ma sister a hunner fur him.’’

 

Dougie laughs and nudges Craig erratically ‘’A hunner quid? Aye, that should keep him in steak fur a week, eh?’’

 

Ah clear ma throat ‘’It’s no a hunner quid. It’s a hunner grand!’’

 

Their jaws hit the flair and the each look frozen, ‘You’ve goat a hunner grand?’’

 

‘’Yae save up a wee bit here and there and it aw adds up’’

 

‘’But at the Hive last month. It wis your roond and you wur naewhere tae be seen. Yae left me tae pick up the tab.’’

 

‘’Talkin aboot money is the lowest form ae conversation, Dougie. Lit it go, eh?’’

 

He’s itchin tae respond but Craiyg gits in first and changes the direction ae oor chat ‘’So, what did yur family say aboot aw ae this?

 

‘’Ah’ve no spoken tae they’m yit. Better no worry thum until ah’ve seen that doactur Hill oan Friday.’’

 

Craigy nods ‘’That doactur Hill is a nice boay, eh?''

 

‘’You ken him?’’

 

‘’Aye, he gave ma mum a lift haime yin night when it wis hammerin doon. Minted motor he’s goat. A Porsche GT3’’

 

‘’That motors worth at least two hunner and fifty grand?’’

 

‘’He is a doactur fur fuck sake, Aldo’’ snipes Dougie who’s still in a huff.

 

The thoat ae that cunt Doactur Hill sitin in his fancy motor while gittin a hand joab fae some super model hus ma blood runnin cauld. The prick is probably laughin aboot ma diagnosis jist as he’s aboot tae spunk in his boaxers.

 

This seems the appropriate time tae show these two the front door. So, ah hurry they’m up and lead thum tae the exit. Jist as their leavin ah decide tae croass examine Dougie ‘’How’s Justine takin the news? Wearin black is she?’’

 

‘’Oh’’ he says ‘’That reminds me. Yur baith invited tae a pairty at oors this Saturday’’

 

‘’We aw deal wae grief in different weys, eh? Ah’ll need tae check ma diary but ah’m pretty sure ah’ve goat a date wae a boax ae Kleenex this Saturday. Ah’ll lit yiase ken what the doac sais oan Friday’’. Then ah slam the door behind thum and return tae tryin tae sweet talk Bruce.

 

In a fast-movin couple ae days ah’m back in doactur Hill’s oaffice again. Wur facin oaff wae yin another, yin final time. Ah’m exhausted and look like shite and yae wid hink ah’m back hammerin snow again. The only hing that’s kept me movin is the comfort ae Bruce who hus lit sleepin dugs lie fur noo. And withoot him ah widnae be sittin here, that’s fur fuckin sure.

 

‘’We have your test results back from the lab’’ he tells me, appearin aw stain faced

 

‘’Jist hit me wae it’’ ah tell him.’’ Ah’m a big boay, ah kin take it’’

 

‘’Okay…Well’’

 

Ah pit the brakes oan him as ah start tae blubber uncontrollably ‘’Listen, doac. Ma parents dinnae huv much but whatever they huv is yours. Jist dinnae lit me die’’

 

Ah collapse in a pitiful mess and before ah ken it he hits me wae the results ‘’That’s not necessary. There’s no need for you to cry’’ he continues ‘’You have IBS, as I suspected. And now all you need to do is alter your diet. Also, you should avoid too much stress’’

 

Ah’m still mutterin desperate pleas fur mercy. Until, that is, ah finally process what he jist said. And aw ae a sudden ah’ve lept up maire confident than ever. ‘’ Ah fuckin knew it!’’

 

Ma smile is beamiin as ah reach oor the desk tae shake the doacs hand. Then ootae naewhere it hits me. This cunt is lookin depressed or worried aboot suttin himsel.

 

‘’What’s wrong wae you?’’ ah ask

 

‘’Nothing’’ he says.

 

‘’C’moan, yae kin tell yur uncle Aldo?’’

 

‘’It’s my Porsche…’’

 

‘’What aboot it?

 

‘’A navy blue T3 series. It was stolen from the surgery car park yesterday’’

 

‘’That really nips ma tits’’ ah tell him, casually ‘’You come in here and help people in this community. And the first chance they git they ram a Subwey up yur erse. Sometimes people aroond this wey make me sick.’’

 

‘’Yes’’ he says ‘’But it could happen anywhere’’

 

‘’That’s kind a yae tae say that. A gid man like yurself. Tell yae what, eh? ah’ll git yur car back fur yae. Take it as a token ae ma esteem’’

 

‘’But that doesn’t sound very legal?.’’ He whispers cautiously.

 

‘’Listen, ah’m a community leader. People aroond these parts listen tae me’’

 

‘’You’re a youth worker?’’

 

‘’Eh, aye, soartae’’ ah tell him ‘’But ah’ll git yur motor back. It’ll be in yur parkin space tomorrow mornin’’

 

‘’That’s awfully decent of you’’ he beams. ‘’I don’t know how to say thank you?’’

 

''Hink nuttin ae it''

 

As ah exit the surgery ah feel like a re-born, Aldo. Ah git ma iPhone oot and heid straight tae ma contact and dial up a number.

 

‘’Goggz, mate? it’s Aldo. That motor ah turned yae oantae. Ah need it pulled and pit back in that spoat yae goat it fae. There’s five hunner quid in it fur yae’’

 

Now that ma gid deed fur the day is done. Ah ring up Craigy and Dougie and share ma news oan the test results. Before heidin back tae the flat wae the very cure fur Brucies deep depression.

 

The flat is sparkin clean again and ah feel maire motivated than ever before. The wee might is obviously walkin oan water efter ah telt him aboot what the doac hud tae say. It feels as if the world makes sense noo. In celebration ae thedays wonderful news ah’ve prepared us bacon and sausages. Yin final blow oot before ah start this strict new healthy diet.

 

As ah walk back intae the livin room me and Brucie ae salivatin over oor dinner plates. Lickin oor lips at the thoat ae what’s soon tae be enterin oor mooths.

 

Jist as we’re settlin doon tae oor treat. Ah declare ‘’Times are gid, Brucie, times are gid.’’ Tae which he lits oot a positive bark in agreement.

 

‘’Ah couldnae huv said it better massel, son’’

 

But then a few loud bangs at the door interrupt us. Swingin the door open ah’m surprised tae find this middle aged wuman hudin a large boax in her airms.

 

‘’Kin ah help yae?’’ ah ask, a wee bit baffled.

 

‘’You’re Mr Ali?’’

 

‘’That’s me, aye. What dae yae want? Cos whatever yur sellin ah’m no buyin’’ But as ah go tae slam the door in her puss she sticks her fit in its path.

 

‘’I am not selling anything. I’m here on behalf of my mother. She owns the Labrador. The one which is familiar with your dog?’’

 

Ah pause fur a few seconds ‘’Oh, aye. Well, whatever she hus said ah kin assure you, eh? it wis self-defence’’

 

‘’Your dog has impregnated her Labrador. That’s why I’m here’’

 

Ah feel disorientated ‘’Impossible’’ ah tell her ‘’Bruce hus goat too much class tae go near that hing’’

 

She suddenly points at the side ae me. Ah look doon and see that Bruce hus came tae inspect the commotion. ‘’Look at him wae those rogue eyes. He has no shame’’ she says.

 

‘’You be careful noo’’ ah warn her. Then ah hear a chorus ae soaft whimpers ‘’Did you hear that?

 

‘’Yes’’ she snaps. His pups are in the box. And they’re your responsibility now’’

 

‘’Ah’m tellin yae yur wrong. Bruce wouldnae go near that hing. That no right, pal?’’ tae ma surprise ah’m greeted wae silence fae him. And when ah look doon ah notice that he’s scarpered.

 

‘’Will you please look inside the box?’’ she demands.

 

‘’Okay’’ ah tell her ‘’If that will pit yur sick fantasy tae bed.’’ Ah peer inside the hing and ah’m shocked tae see a dozen wee Brucies starin back up at me. It’s their magnetic eyes, ah could easily pick they’m oot in a lineup.

 

‘’They could be anyboadys’ eyes’ ah protest.

 

She smiles and places the boax in ma airms ‘’That’s all the confirmation that I needed. They’re your problem now’’

 

The women descends doon the flight ae stairs leavin me wae ma heid spinnin and unable tae talk. Lookin doon at what ah’m huddin ma stomach hus started rumblin again and ma stress levels huv went knot tae a hunner. Ah cannae hud ma temper anymaire and send oot a roar ae ‘’Bruce, ya wee slag!’’ which nae doot echo’s through aw ae fuckin Edinburgh.

 

 

‘If you've read and enjoyed this story and would like to support my work. There's a buy me a coffee option here https://ko-fi.com/colinburnett4669

 

Any support given would be greatly appreciate. I plan to post more free to access stories and articles.

 

If you would like to explore the exploits of Aldo, Dougie and Craig. Grab a copy of my debut book ‘A Working Class State of Mind published by Leamington Books. Available from Waterstones, Calton Books, The Lighthouse Bookshop and Amazon