Bandits have feelings too.
By Joe Berridge Beale
Wed, 11 Sep 2013
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3 comments
'Man, being a bandit sucks.' Fraust muttered as she formed little ice castles that quickly melted in the presence of the fire.
'I don't know, it could be worse.' Clawn shrugged as he poked his bacon into the flame.
'How could it be worse?' the Isolator exclaimed, the veins under her sky blue skin glowing in the darkness. 'We're the absolute bottom rung of the criminal classes, we live in what I can only describe as an ancient ruin atop a snow mountain along with some fifty other people, and we're barely pulling in enough gold to survive.'
The Bustail's cat ears lowered. 'Everyone has to start somewhere.'
Using the ice water from her hands, Fraust began smoothing down her white hair 'Yes everyone has to start somewhere, the problem is we started around the same time as everyone else, and have barely anything to show for it. The raiders laugh at us. The marauders laugh at us. The reavers laugh at us. We are the joke of the outlaw world.'
'What about the barbarians?' the ginger boy asked as he chewed on his bacon.
'The barbarians are too stupid to laugh at us. Point is: we're losers, and not enough is being done to change the fact.'
'You're not questioning the leadership of Bandit Chief Grum-Bol are you? I put great faith in that man.'
'Yeah, just like you put great faith in the last Bandit Chief before Grum-Bol came along and tore his arms off.'
'Well, you can't cling to the past can you? Got to move with the times.'
'You're an moron, that's the exact kind of thinking that's got us where we are now. Don't question anything, just go along with it. I mean take what we're doing now for an example, a hero's taken up a bounty on Grum-Bol and what does he do? He doesn't prep the camp for battle, oh no. That would make too much sense, he sends you and I outside as scouts to warn if the hero's coming, so he and his men can carry on drinking inside.'
Clawn wrapped his cloak tighter around him 'Yeah, it is a bit cold out here. Pretty inconsiderate of him really.' Fraust sighed in despair and returned to her hair. Short on the draw as usual, the Bustail noticed how little she was wearing considering the weather. 'Are you not cold?' he asked, his feline tail shivering behind him.
She looked to him in annoyance 'Of course I'm not, I'm an Isolator, we're cold blooded.'
'Oh... is that why you can create ice from your hands?'
'No, that's my species' evolutionary reaction to the thousands of years we spent in multiple cryogenic environments.'
'You what?'
She rolled her eyes. 'Magic.'
'Ah...' he said with a nod.
Just then a shadow was cast from behind them, and a muffled voice sounded. 'Excuse me youngsters. I think I got turned around, this wouldn't happen to be Vunderskag ruins would it?'
The pair turned around to see a hero in full steel plate armour standing over them with a map in his hands and a broadsword upon his back.
Quickly, Fraust got up and looked to the map 'Vunderskag? No sir, this is Vunderblag. Common mistake'
'Oh right. Mind showing me the way?' the knight asked.
'Sure. Yeah, what you want to do is go right down this pathway here and then into the chasm of no return, don't worry it isn't as bad as it sounds-' However before she could complete the deception Clawn had blown the scouting horn.
'Devils damn it, Clawn!' What did you go and do that for?' she shouted, hitting the boy across the head as a bunch of Bandits practically fell out of the ruin.
'Grum-Bol said to warn him if the hero came.' the cat boy explained, rubbing his sore noggin as the knight engaged the drunken lot.
'I was misdirecting him you buffoon! Now all the warriors are going to get slaughtered, again! It's just like that troll fiasco last week. You never think!'
'There's no need to be mean about it,' he said, turning to see the fight. 'look it's thirty to one, I'm sure they'll bring him down. Look Bludgeon's about to, oh no he got impaled. Oh but Masher will, wait no, there goes his head. But I'm sure Wreck has him there... ah... didn't know the human spine could bend like that.'
Fraust sat down in a huff 'Curse my stars.'
With the Bandits all dispatched, the pair watched as the hero entered the feasting hall.
'Stay right where you are!' boomed the voice of Grum-Bol.
'Or what?' they heard the knight reply.
'Or... or I'll cry.' was the response. Fraust put her head in her hands and tried to sooth her headache with some frost.
'Maybe he's just luring him into a false sense of security.' Clawn suggested, before the mangled corpse of their Bandit Chief came flying out of the ruin. 'Or maybe not.'
A moment later and the knight was striding out with Grum-Bol's head under one arm and a sack full of treasure under the other. 'Well, that was a jolly romp. Nice try girl, you almost had me there with that Vunderbrag talk.'
'Yeah, shove it up your arse.' was her response.
'How rude.'
'You just killed the only stable family structure in my life right now.'
'Well there's no need to be nasty about it.'
'It's nothing personal she's like that to everyone.' Clawn put in, his head still hurting.
'Good to know. Now, I wonder how one would one get down from this height safely?'
'You can look for paths to the beach on the cliff edge there.' the Bustail mentioned 'That's what I always do. I only ever fell off once but that didn't do me any harm... cabbage.'
'What a terrific idea, thanks lad.' the hero said as he waddled off towards the cliff edge.
'So now we're helping the hero?' Fraust muttered.
'As I say, moving with the times.'
'Did you really fall off it?'
'Yeah.'
'Idiot.'
'It was fine though, the ocean is right underneath. I'm a pretty good swimmer for a Bustail.'
'Huh...' the Isolator said, a light going on in her mind. 'Don't suppose you could swim very well in full plate armour...'
'I suppose not but I don't see what-' before he could finish, Fraust had shot an ice bolt at the hero's back, causing him to topple down to the icy water below with a scream.
With a wry smile, the Isolator got up 'Come on, let's tell the women and children in the crypts what's went down.'
'Yeah, we'll all be needing a new Bandit Chief now.' Clawn said as he walked off with her.
'Hmm, about that. I think my leadership potential just improved exponentially.'
'Come again?'
She shook her head as they entered the ruin 'Never mind.'
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Comments
Very amusing dialgoue. The
Very amusing dialgoue. The characters came alive in this piece and the scene was set marvellously at the start. It was a real good cheesey fantasy romp. We need more of this!
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