A Pen y ffrwd Love Story Part Four.

I have been here some time and I still cannot see properly. Only vague, dark shapes walking about, which sometimes briefly become silhouettes as they cross a doorway or a street between the tall buildings.  I can understand their words but they talk in hushed voices, which are too low for me to hear without straining and leaning in, which makes me feel rude. When I speak in my normal voice, my other world voice, they jump back, as if I had shouted at them.  Even Elouan. No wonder he wore his hood up almost all the time on Pen y ffrwd, he must have found the light in our world dazzling, and the sounds deafening. 

When I first came here, I believed my eyes and ears would adjust, but there has been no change.  I feel like I am living in a deep, dark cave, or at the bottom of the sea.

I can walk back across the bridge whenever I like of course, ride Khyber back across it, the light strengthening as we get closer to our old world.  We stand staring out at it, mournfully, like two children with their noses pressed against the window of a shop full of wonderful things they will never be able to afford.  Or two blinking rabbits, coming up from their burrow.  I can gallop her about the bridge with the illusion we are galloping on our hillside again, but our hearts aren't in it.  We both know we will have to return to the gloomy city, she to be shut up in her stable, me to our dark house.

Elouan, I say.

He can tell what is coming.  Yes, he says, tentatively.

Cariad,  I cannot stay here. It is no life for me. Or her.

A great long sigh. A pause. I know.

We are sitting side by side on the bed, our faces turned towards each other, almost touching.  This is the only way I can hear him properly.

How did you ever think I could live here ? 

Love, he says sadly.  I thought my love would be enough for you.

I sound so angry, so bitter.  It wasn't supposed to be like this. I suppose I imagined it would be like Pen y ffrwd, but for ever. Sunshine and trees, and water and green grass. Not scuttling about in the dark, with half my senses blunted.  If I carry on like this, I won’t love him anymore, I'll hate him for bringing me here.  Blame him for what I chose to do freely.  I would rather not have him at all than hate him.

Can I return ?  Is it possible ? Has anyone ever gone back before ?  So far as I know, there is no-one else from my world in the city.

There is silence between us.  Not the companionable silence of the days when we sat on the hillside together at Pen y ffrwd, but a wall of pain and misunderstanding and shattered dreams.

To my amazement he says eventually, reluctantly, Yes

Who ?

He shifts uncomfortably, looks down at the floor. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse…A woman.

I must have misheard.  Surely I misheard.  But he sighs and looks up.  I brought her over. A woman.

When ? What happened to her when she went back ?

Hundreds of your years ago.  I took her back across the bridge and she jumped off it, back into her world. Your world.

And then ? Did you try to go back with her ?

I can see his silhouette shrug, his hands spread wide.

She disappeared. Just ceased to exist, in my world or hers. I meant to go with her, but at the last moment I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I suppose I thought I loved her enough, but when the time came, I didn't.

I feel a small evil flash of triumph. Although the last thing I would want is for him to give up his life for me.  I know I will be taking his happiness away, but I don't want to take his life as well. I have another thought – he can try again. Third time lucky. Maybe find a woman who is blind.  Dear god, what a bitch I am turning into in this miserable place.

More silence.  Then a decision.

I will ride Khyber back across the bridge.  She isn't happy here either. This is no life for us.

His head droops and it reminds me of how he looked when I struggled up the hill to him for the second time. But then his face was filled with joy when he saw me. For the first time I appreciate the darkness, which means I cannot see the pain on his face now.

We walk across the bridge.  I am leading Khyber on my right.  Elouan walks on my left gripping my hand.  As the light strengthens, I steal at look at his face and it is etched with misery.  But I do not doubt my decision. There is simply no alternative. I cannot live in his world. He cannot live in mine. If he passes beyond the edge of the bridge he will die. Maybe there are other worlds, but who knows ?

I think bitterly of how I wanted the last thing I ever saw to be the sunlight and the clouds chasing each other above the heather and rocky top of Pen y ffrwd. Well, now's my chance.  Except that today the sky is dark and dour, and the clouds which chase each other up the valley are inky black, and the kites are keening my threnody.  

We reach the edge of the bridge, when I can feel the faint warning buzzing of the border, like a very mild electric shock.  Khyber starts to snort and plunge, eager to be across.  I feel a great sense of relief that this is her freely made choice too.

Suddenly, Elouan vaults onto her back.  What does he think he's doing ?

Get off Elouan, you can't come, I say, more harshly than I mean to.

In the bright light I can clearly see his handsome, intelligent, expressive face.  He tilts his head to one side, in a question, and holds out his hand to me.  As he has done twice before.

His hand is warm and strong, and he pulls me up easily to sit in front of him, his arms wrapped round me. 

I touch my heels to Khyber's side.  And she leaps.