From Jester To King XII

Laura Bloom sat at her large rectangular wooden kitchen table putting the finishing touches to ‘Helly the Invisible She-Wolf’. She had done the illustrations herself: pages, cover, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 12&13 (double-page illustration), 15, 17, 19 and 21, all depicting Helly in the state that the words on the relevant page sought to convey. No words were to appear on the illustration page however. She looked back at the screen of her hi-spec 13 inch 2018 MacBook and read: There was a young she-wolf, and her name was Helly. Laura Bloom was very creative, excelling herself in the homely crafts such as challah-making, tea-cake-baking, and even jewellery design; she had an eye for that which was aesthetic and pleasing. Helly sometimes roamed the plains of north London. But she was not like the other she-wolves. She had a special power or gift and this power was to make herself invisible; she was able to disappear from view at will! The book was aimed at the 11-17 year-old girl age-bracket.

Laura Bloom was trying to decide exactly what size her book should be, 7.5 x 7.5, 7 x 10 or 10 x 8 (inches) because she knew now, after assiduous research, that those were the sizes that children’s books came in. Though this wasn’t strictly a children’s book. She had it now set up as a 10 x 8 but that could well change. A number of other writers’ books lay on the kitchen table and Laura Bloom was looking, feeling and comparing them, thinking and then thinking some more. It was an enviable feat to be writing not only whilst six months with child, but also whilst having rumbustious 22-monther in tow, not to mention ensuring child’s father was keeping an eye on both toddler and himself! Helly’s fur was soft and warm but her growl could be fierce. She had lots of teeth but you could only see her fangs when she was angry. Fortunately neither father nor offspring were present, so she had time to think, time to herself.

Laura Bloom had good call to shout at her husband to make sure he did stuff, the right stuff, the stuff she wanted doing. She found that if she didn’t shout, he wouldn’t know what to do and therefore wouldn’t do it, such as: how much hot to run before running the cold, whether to tell Lydia (the au pair) that she did need to get up early tomorrow even though Elias wasn’t going to day care because he still had the tummy bug (he’d told her she didn’t need to get up), or to cancel his mum (his own mother Sandra) i.e. tell her not to come that Wednesday because Laura’s mother had decided at the very last minute that she could in fact make it, down to the tiniest most basic thing like just putting the right shoes on him or the right vest or not putting something on that was dirty, had he not seen the massive avocado stain, or to just put the bloody trousers on him already that he thought was dirty because they weren’t and it was fine for now, or to clean up the crumbs after he made toast, to put the butter back in the butter compartment and not just leave it on the third shelf at the front where it obscured everything else that was more significant and needed using more often, such as stuff she’d made for Elias. Tonight was a Thursday and Helly was out in the bright moon and stars and her coat was resplendent. She went out onto Rosslyn Hill, turned right into Downshire Hill, continued past St. John’s Church and then crossed over East Heath Road into the Heath, her favourite walk, up to the path towards Parliament Hill.

Accuracy was not Richard Bloom’s forte. Laura Bloom shouted at Richard in a pragmatic as opposed to a shouting-just-for-shouting’s-sake way; she shouted in a way that spoke of a time where he might eventually learn to do things in the way she knew was right, though deep down she knew he wouldn’t. Funny thing was, Laura Bloom was not savage at all and a word or a put-down from anyone other than Richard could leave her smarting for days. There were no cars and there seemed to be no wolves around. Helly set out towards the ponds where she thought she might just rest up and drink. Richard Bloom made sure not to say anything unkind because he knew how Laura was really and he made allowances for it. Laura Bloom was a storm in the house but a mouse when away. But then she just caught the reflection of something from the moonlight as she was approaching the water. Helly looked more closely and made out four other she-wolves on the crest of the hill. They had set out a blanket with many goodies upon it, big wine glasses full of Chenin Blanc and plump ripe Spanish Queen olives and more than two full packs of McVities Milk Chocolate Digestives.

Laura Bloom could see immediately how to do things and how not to do them, and marvelled at how slow on the uptake people could be. She’d get her way with some but not with others; when she got her way it was easy but when she didn’t she hated the person to death. Laura Bloom sometimes had the feeling that she would be better off without Richard at all because he just got in her way! The wolves were mature adults, much older than she was. As Helly was looking at them, one of them called out to her to come over and join them. Helly came closer and saw the many naughty fattening things to eat, things she rarely ate at home, and was excited but a bit worried too. Richard Bloom just didn’t have the same instinct as she did, hardly surprising. The reasons he thought Elias was crying or having a tantrum, for example, were always stupid and wrong, or him guessing at what Elias wanted now he was getting them up more than three times a night and making it impossible for them to sleep, was a waste of time. It was frustrating that she didn’t have someone as solid as her on her team. Like carrying an extra weight on top of the one she was already carrying. But it was good to know he was there if anything really bad happened. He tried his best. ‘What’s your name?’ said the wolf that had told her to come over. ‘Helly’, she replied. She poured Helly a big glass of wine into a glass that one of the other wolves had already been using. ‘’Fancy some nibbles?? Take whatever you like, no need to be polite,’ she added. Helly was actually surprised at how hungry she was, picked up a big piece of Manchego cheese and gobbled it down whole.

Laura Bloom intended to self-publish on Amazon using their new Kindle self-publishing option, meaning she wouldn’t have to worry about any of the costs or the printing or getting an agent or editor and whenever the book sold she’d just get a percentage. After a while, the she-wolves started howling with laughter. ‘My husband is fat and hairy’ one was saying. Helly had not drunk the wine. ‘Mine’s so fat he can hardly get off the couch,’ And then they all started cackling like hyenas. One of them picked up one of the larger and plumper olives and announced: ‘what does that remind you of?’ whereupon they really started rollicking with laughter, falling down onto the picnic blanket on their backs and rolling around on it.

Laura Bloom knew of someone who wrote fiction for teenagers who’d made over £2,000 from her book last year, not a massive earner, but definitely worth the effort. Once they’d quietened down a little, the she-wolf who had beckoned Helly over to start with asked her if she was married. She was tall and lean but had a warm way about her. Helly still had her mouthful but managed to say ‘no, of course not, I’m only 11’. Still Helly wanted to join in with the laughter but she felt embarrassed and awkward too. If Laura Bloom could make more than that and then write something else and carry on writing, who knows she might not have to carry on at UCH which she still had to do three days a week, Monday to Wednesday. She might even make more than Richard! ‘’Plenty to look forward to’, the big one continued. ‘Our husbands do everything’, another one piped up, at which they all burst into hysterics. This one had mean little eyes, Helly noticed. She did not know what to do with herself, they were all really drunk, and she didn’t really understand what all this marriage talk was about. Anyhow! Laura Bloom could imagine Richard reading to Elias when he was a little older. How funny to be reading your own book to your own children! Saving yourself money in the process. And imagine other people reading your books to their kids! What a thought! Then from out of nowhere Helly spotted four male wolves and they seemed to be coming right over. They were coming over! They looked hungry and had a forthright look in her eye. ‘This is annoying’ the big one said. ‘Men wolves always want to talk to us and after that they’ll probably want to have us for dinner.’ ‘Oh just let them sniff at us’, the one with mean eyes said. ‘They’re harmless’, she added. Helly was actually rather scared but she didn’t know why. Perhaps she didn’t want to be eaten.

Laura Bloom had had difficulty with her mother-in-law, Sandra Bloom, who for one refused to come all the way to theirs from Bushey. If her own mother came round why shouldn’t Sandra. Sandra Bloom could be domineering and the one thing Laura Bloom couldn’t do with Richard Bloom was control his mother. Helly then had an idea. ‘I can make myself invisible’, she thought. ‘Then the men wolves won’t be able to see me or bother me’. And she held her breath and gritted her teeth and made a small growl, but it had worked, the male wolves had gone from sniffing about near them to moving away down the hill towards Gospel Oak. Not only had she made herself invisible, she had made the other wolves invisible too. The other she-wolves were surprised and delighted, even the mean-eyed one. And they congratulated Helly on her marvellous ability and they set up a WhatsAppp group and WhatsApped each other continuously and without reason from then going forward. Laura Bloom particularly liked the final illustration, the one of the group and Helly and the she-wolves together, the beaten male wolves sloping away downhill and into the shadows.