Assigned to Richmond Street

My name is Lee Edward Roberts.

That's me in the above image, watching some of my guys fire the cannon.

When I was in grammar school and the Army and many other places that call attendance directory style they would always call Robert E Lee and I would raise my hand or step forward. Naturally, I became interested in the great Confederate General. I met a woman named Bobbi Hayes who sponsored a Civil War re-enactmnet organization. She procured for me the most authentic of gray uniforms and named me the leader of the Confederate group. Bobbi had a thing for guys in uniform. 

We fell in lust and quick as a wink, we headed to the altar.

Bobbi ran a fund raising organization. I worked for her as a caller, trainer, supervisor anything she needed. Let's just say Bobbi had a lot of needs.

We stayed in marital bliss for the next 20 years, a couple of which were happy. Bobbi's business was called PhilaComp and it was kicking ass raising money for non-profits throughout the country. We were rollin' in dough and revolting on fields during the weekend.

Bobbi was a jealous and possessive woman . Her jealousy first manifested itself when she accused me of lingering too long in an embrace with Julia, a college student dressed as Scarlett O'Hara. I was legitimately innocent and merely trying to console the youngster who had become disillusioned with the role she was playing in our re-enactments. This was an expensive hobby and Bobbi wasn't covering much of Julia's costs for what are now obvious reasons.

The jealousy contiued as did her attempts to control me which naturally led me to an authentic dalliance with a fake Harriet Tubman. We were caught behind the barn. Very soon after Bobbi and I were divorced. Bobbi took up with a fake Stonewall Jackson. Harriet started banging a fake Frederick Douglas. Julia  got married to a guy named Ovid. I got caught up as the point man in three triangles and lost them  all until I saw the light.

I came to realize that the cause that I had been celebrating was nothing more than a large terrorist outfit which was trying to tear the United States apart. I gathered what remained of my regalia and had a little fire in the backyard. Within those flames danced the memory of Julia and Stonewall and most of all Mrs. Bobbi Roberts and Philacomp.

I began attending a Civil War Re-Enactors support group as we talked 1860's business including the Pony Express and the Transcontinental Railroad and the genocide of the Natives. Our leader was a former impersonator of James Longstreet who had shaved his massive beard when he became involved with a fake Carrie Nation who straightend his ass out. 

Our group created a document that demanded the destruction of Southern Civil War monuments. We were looking for signatures so we could present them to our Congressman and he would figure out what to do next. Meanwhile Carrie had a single BBF who was a fake Susan B Anthony. 

Although she presented herslf in the most modest and austere fashion imaginable, Susan (whose real name was Beth Fowler) couldn't hide her shapely ankle under an occasional glimpse of stocking that truly was shocking.

I figured that I might have a shot at Beth.

Oh well, anything goes.

The documents arrived. We all put on our least threatening clothes and decided to strike the pavement.

We started knocking on doors. I was assigned Richmond Street.