Bagman Bruce

Family plays a big factor in my friendship tree.

I knew Crown and Wild Bill. I introduced them to Deke. Deke is my brother.

Deke, Crown and Wild Bill are now friends.

Deke knew Bruce and D'argento before they knew me, Crown and Wild Bill.

Me, Deke, Crown, Wild Bill, Bruce and D'argento are now friends.

Crown knew Walt and Hank before they knew Wild Bill, Deke,Bruce and D'argento.

Me, Deke, Crown, Wild Bill, Bruce, D'argento, Hank and Walt are now friends.

My sister Terri knew Jack before he knew Deke who knew Jack before I knew Jack and before Jack knew D'argento, Crown, Wild Bill, Bruce, Hank, and Walt.

This cluster is a core cluster in my friendship tree. We celebrated this cluster every year for 35 years at Deke's place on Canandaigua Lake. We gathered at the baseball all star game which is in mid-July. At the gathering we made announcements and predictions and we shared old stories of announcements and predictions past. I could and perhaps will write a book about those announcements stories and predictions as well as the men who made them.

The tradition ended when we moved South

They are the funniest, smartest, most trustworthy men that I know. They are the reason why I rarely laugh at comedians and their 'craft'. My crew is so more hilarious.

I think I'll start with Bruce.

Deke met Bruce when they were both  in high school part time picking up trays as food service workers at Park Avenue hospital. Over the years, I have heard many stories of what went on in the locker room of the hospital,  the pranks that were pulled and the fun that was had.

Bruce is the star of my favorite story of that era. Bruce tells it beautifully at the All Star game every year.

Seems that a guy named Steve had pulled off a nasty few tricks on others so the others were looking to get even. One day Steve was in the locker room stall taking a crap. While Steve was sitting on the throne, Bruce picked up a laundry bag full of soiled towels and tossed the twenty pound bag through the opening at the top of the stall onto what must have been an astonished Steve. The bag was heavy but soft. After tossing the bag, Bruce immediately began his getaway.

Steve bolted out of the toilet with a turd in his hand. Bruce turned around and saw the flung dung heading for his face. He moved slightly and the turd went splat against the wall. Bruce describes that SPLAT moment in great detail as it seemed to be happening in slow motion.

I try to imagine the incident from Steve's point of view. You think you're alone in a critical moment and suddenly a laundry bag falls on you.  It doesn't hurt but it startles the crap out of you. You react to the situation immediately. You grab hold of your warm creation and with your pants still down, you burst through the stall door. You see everybody running and laughing. You spot Bruce. You're an all star third basemen with a terrific arm. You fling your turd and it looks like it's going to hit Bruce in the face until at the last moment he swerves and SPLAT. You go back in the stall, clean up, pull up your pants and take off.

Nobody knew what happened to the splat on the wall but the conjecture went like this. Al Brown was the evening clean up guy and when he got to work that night, his boss told him to make sure to clean up the locker room because there was a "mess" down there. Al spent most of his evening shifts handicapping the horses for the next day at Finger Lakes. He liked to work fast so he could have more time sitting on his ass, smoking and handicapping. He went down to the locker room. It didn't seem too messy until he noticed the splat on the wall..."Goddamn, there's a turd on the wall"

He took care of the mess but always wondered how that turd got on that wall.

Now you know what Al Brown was never able to figure out.

And you know a litle bit about Bruce and my friendship tree.

Remember this all went down before I even met Bruce. Deke had told me the story.

I finally met Bruce at the famous Watkins Glen Concert featuring the Dead, The Band and the Allman Brothers. There were 300,000 people at that event. We got as close as we could when we spotted a large blanket and a motorcycle. We made our way to the blanket and that's where I met Bruce. The Dead were singing "Bertha don't ya come around here anymore".

It's always a good thing when I can remember what song was playing when I first meet a person. When that song is "Bertha" and it's being played live by the Dead in the midst of 300,000 people on a day so sunny that torrential rain is a possibility at any moment, well that's a good way to meet.

Yes, the torrential rains came. Everybody started scrambling to escape the storm. Bruce went over to his cycle and opened his saddle bag. He took out three blue garbage bags. He put the bag over his head and pulled it down to cover his body all the way to his knees. Like a turtle, he pushed his head through the top of the bag. Then he punched his arms through the side of the bag. He had made himself a raincoat. He threw us the other two bags and we did the same thing.  We were the Bagmen. . Not a lot of people were standing most were hiding. I looked at the situation and said "The Bagmen Will Stand." We stood up proudly through the whole storm. When the sun came back out and the pounding rain disappeared, those people around us who had been seeking shelter from the storm began to emerge and started praising us for bagging it. They thought the bags were cool. A few people wondered if we had anymore of those bags. Bruce did have a few more and he shared them. They repeated the turtle and arm move. Before long there were three more bagmen and two bag ladies. Everybody laughing. Soon many of those who had brought a plastic garbage bag to the concert started wearing them like we were wearing them and making their way over to our space for some good wearing and sharing.

Thus began the Bagman Ball.

Every March we had a blowout party at wherever Bruce was living at the time. The higlight of the party was putting on the bags. Bruce supplied the bags pro bono. When everybody was in their bags, we'd put on "Sympathy for the Devil". Every one would start singing "Doot Doo" and conga lining throughout whatever space was available in the house.

Aside from Bruce and Deke and I no one really knew why they were putting on bags and "Doot Dooing" but the whole scene was so bizarre and hilarious and filled with gentle peer pressure that all the participants enjoyed the exercise and the party was united. How can you be pissed off at somebody who's wearing a grabge bag exactly like the one that you're wearing.

We continued to have that party for the next 25 years.

We called it the Bagman Ball.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman showed up at one.
Maybe you attended one or two.

If you did all I can say is "Doot Doo"