A Comfort on the Way to Hell
By ice rivers
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One afternoon under a cerulean sky, my wife surprised me with an offhand comment when she said, "I'm going to hell."
She didn't seem particularly upset with her statement. I hesitated before I asked why.
"I got divorced from David," she replied. "When you get divorced, you're excommunicated from the faith."
Both of us are on our second marriage. David is her first husband.
I decded to amplify before comforting.
"Not only are you going to hell because you got divorced but also because you married again and this time to a man who was also divorced and since we both married people who were previously divorced, you're going to hell for that and let's not forget using birth control in both of your marriages as I have in mine."
"Oh Jezuz," she sighed.
"A little late for that now"
"Well we'll be in hell together which is a small comfort if not a further punishment."
"No WE won't, I'm going to heaven" I declared with the confidence of a zealot. "I have plenary indulgences stashed away."
"What the hell is a pulmonary indulgence?" she asked with raised eyebrows.
"It's plenary, not pulmonary and I got them in high school at Bishop Sheehan."
She thought for a moment. "I thought Martin Luther got rid of indulgences."
"Yeah, if you're Lutheran or any kind of Protestant. Of course if you became a Lutheran, you were excommunicated anyways. You were no longer a member of the faith. You were dismemembered as are we. Lutheran rules don't apply to Catholics...even those who have been excommunicated."
"Okay. I ask again. What's a prelliminary indulgence?"
I took a sip of my coffee and began.....
"Back when I was a practicing Catholic, indulgences were like merit badges that you could earn if you knew what they were and you were going for them. Some indulgences were more accesible than others. One way to earn a plenary indulgence was to attend Mass on nine consecutive first Fridays of each month. Our high school, held a mass in the gym every First Friday so we all got plenary indulgences. Not a bad recruiting tool. 'If you come to our school, not only will you get into the college of your choice which will lead to the career of your choice but also will provide you with a ticket to heaven unless you get kicked out of here along the way'. So all of us went to the gym every First Friday where they set up a temporary altar and tabernacle. I've got at least four plenary indulgences because I never got kicked out and they always had a Mass on every First Friday."
"So you got four of 'em. What does that mean."
"It means that when I die, I am guaranteed the opportunity to request last rites from a priest. If I die before the priest arrives or I expire so suddenly that I can't request a priest because of temporal limitations,,,I go right to heaven. No judgment. Either way, I'm in Baby and you're out so say hello to Manson for me and Luther as well."
I let that sit for a few seconds before I arrived at my comforting.
"But don't worry honey. I'm not gonna let that happen to you. I've got four plenary indulgences so I'm gonna give one of them to you, no charge because I want you to be with me in the next world. We've earned it with all the shit we've been through in this one. I give it to you freely. I can't sell it to you because that's what got Luther's panties in a bundle in the first place. As of today, as of right now...you're going to heaven."
"Bullshit", she replied.
"Well the only requirement I suppose is that ya gotta believe. You're gonna get the opportunity to escape judgement by calling for the priest and receiving the sacrament of exteme unction. If you don't believe, you won't call the priest and then since your indulgence is second hand, it's anybodys guess so if I'm around at the time..I'll make sure to try and get a priest but when the priest comes over you can't tell him to GTFO."
She seemed sceptically comforted but said "thanks" before asking what other indulgences were available.
"Well, there's temporal indulgences which shorten you time in purgatory. Say you're supposed to be there for a hundred years...well every time you get a temporal indulgence it takes a few years or days or hours off of your purgatory time. You can earn temporal indulgences by visiting the church, lighting a candle, saying a rosary or making an ejaculation."
"Uh huh...here we go...finally we come to it. What kind of an ejaculation will earn a temporal indulgence. I'm afraid to ask,' she asked.
I caught her drift and frowned...."You got to elevate your mind. An ejaculation is a spirtual whisper kinda like a prayer...something like 'Thank you Jesus' or Bless me Mary or Forgive me Father in Heaven' all of those are ejacualtions."
"How bout Oh God oh god oh my God Jesus jesus Jesus god oh Jesus God Christ almighty." she asked rather sinfully.
"Yes they are ejaculations in the right time and in the right place and in the right spirtual frame of mind."
"How about tonight" she asked with a sultry smile. "We don't have to worry about going to hell."
We took a thougtful pause.
I was gonna need a break before I started to explain extreme unction
(stay tuned)
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