Falstaff Cawkwell Diagnoses Cow Charm

The next day I found myself in the presence of Dr. Falstaff Cawkwell.

Cawkwell had a reputation amongst my crew as a quack who somehow had a license to pass out drugs and who didn't require you to weigh in whenever requesting Viagra.

Cawkwell was my kind of sawbones as he himself carried a magnificent avoirdupois. No wonder there were no scales in his "office" or "orfice" as Cawkwell called it.

Cawkwell listened carefully as I described my symptoms and catalogued my suspicions. Bursitis? Tendenitis? Psoriasis? Arthritis? Cawkwell shook his head after each suggestion.

"Well Doctor, what's the problem ?"

"The first problem is you're calling me Doctor. Call me by my name. You can call me False. Too many people look upon doctors as if we're some kind of deity. When they say "Doctor", they might as well be saying "God". I'm not a God...I'm a man" Cawkwell insisted.

I couldn't resist.

"I guess that makes you a False God" Falstaff Cawkwell laughed the gasping laugh of a fat man and asked me if I was ready for his diagnosis.

"You, my friend have Cow Charm", Cawkwell declared.

I panicked immediately. "Is it anything like Mad Cow Disease? How can I have a cow disease when I haven't been within fifty feet of a cow in fifty years " I asked plaintively as two visuals ran through my mind.

Visual one: my mammary glands swelling horrifically and leaking milk all over the sanitarium as I thrashed from one padded wall to the next, foaming at the mouth while imagining myself as Fluellen after the battle of Agincourt with a cowardly glove in my cap only my name is Mooellen and all I can do is moo furiously.

Visual Two: Entering a dairy farm at around the age of seven and not being ready for the reality of cow crap which seemed to be spewing from every cow I saw before I started throwing up in my mouth and running the length of the barn from entrance to exit, trying to get out of there before I launched and thinking that the distance from entrance to exit had become miles not yards and astonished that I was the only kid on the tour running in disgust and horror.

Cawkwell could see how disturbed I had become. He hesitated for a moment in what was either alarm or bemusement before he clarified. "You misunderstand. Not Cow Charm...Couch Arm. You have developed Couch Arm."

"What the hell is Couch Arm?", I asked even as it began to dawn on me what it was/is.

"Couch Arm is a combination of Bursitis,Tendenitis, Psoriasis, Arthritis, Depression, Addiction and Sloth. It is caused by hours and hours and hours of each day spent on the couch holding your head up with your elbow, reading, watching teevee or just plain zoning out. The condition is not uncommon but in your case is severe. I would assume that you feel very little pain except for the arm."

All of what he surmised was true. I had fallen down a couple days earleir and din't even rrealize I was down.

"How can I eliminate the Couch Arm."

Cawkwell took a look at me and he snuck a look into the mirror.

"Well, exercise is out of the question so let's go with drugs. We'll start out with an anti-inflammatory to reduce the pain then some oxy to trun the reduced pain into a pleasure...a couple of anti-depressants how bout citalopram and bupropion 40 milligrams of cita and 150 of bupro and then we'll need some stattins to save your heart."

"Doc," I asked "How bout some weed ya know the medicinal kind."

"Oh yeah sure," replied False.  "I know a guy who grows some wonderful medicinal reefer and I have a nice stash. It can't hurt can it?. And judging by the difficulty you had getting on the examination table, I'm gonna guess you need some vitamin E as well. Your complexion is kinda gray. Do you watch Jeopardy?"

"Yes I do. Every night"

" Good we'll throw in some adderall and ritalin to sharpen your up for Tribek" Falstaff said with a wink.

I wondered how much this was all gonna cost me. Cawkwell said it was all generic and everything he mentioned he had in house.

I picked up all the goodies. I went home.

I turned on the teevee and started surfing.

I dosed and then I dozed off, resting my head against the palm of my hand.