Fill Fuller
By ice rivers
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If ever an entire day was headed directly to the filler file, that day was yesterday.
The day before, Lynn and I had a covid inspired "i can't stand you" battle royale that left me exhausted, deflated and marginalized. I knew I was right but I found my obections over-ruled. The decision was going to the judges Lynn is more comfortable with judgment than am I.
She found me resoundingly guilty.
I took the blame and retreated.
I slept till noon in the upstairs bedroom. I was enjoying my dreams far more than my "persecuted, prosecuted"life. I wanted to keep dreaming rather than encounter another day of brutal heat and cross-examination. I was much more gargoyle than cathedral. I started watching the Sunday news shows but became even further alienated so I turned off the tube and tried to read. The reading didn't work. Even the reading was no match for the guilless dreams I might have had if I managed to fall back asleep.
I succeeded in the effort to rest my eyes and my brain and before long I was back in the dream zone. The dreams were a diversion but melted away upon my awakening. Lynn, God bless her, was busy all day. She prepared a meal of steak and rice which was quite good and almost snapped me out of my funk but I've forgotten many acts of delicious kindness and this meal would prove to be no exception.
I needed more dream tme.
I went back upstairs to bed.
I skipped my walk even though the day, I'm told, was quite pleasant weather wise. The walk might have given me something to write about. I'll never know.
I came back down at 7 o'clock and watched some more unremakable teevee until we went into the bedroom. I always read myself to sleep but not yesterday. Lynn played Words with Friends like she does every night with the same group of masochistic scrabble friends who she beats with stunning regularity. I turned my back on her game. She asked me if I was going to read. I answered with one of the hundred words that I spoke during the course of the day/afternoon/evening. That word was "no". I prayed for sleep and got my wish.
As I was falling asleep, I realized that I had been hoping for a day like this to comment further on filler. If you want to make your filler fuller than you must reach far into your memory, capture an almost forgotten impulse and preserve that momentary connection with words that stay. Because the words remain, the near forgotten memory takes on the life of the words that captured it. The words might stay for decades. This is why we keep journals.
I kept a journal for many years and it's full of filler but when I read that journal, the filler becomes fuller and regains a shaky spot in my memory.
I figured that if i wrote about the meaningless day that I had experienced, it might turn that filler into something worthwhile; at the minimum something to be described and read not only by me but perhaps by others who might relate to such a ho-hum day thus adding further meaning to its non-dimension and rendering the day as memorable as possible.
If you are reading this, my calculation is valid, my thesis momentarily preserved.
Here is that thesis.
If you want to make your filler fuller than either reach deep into your memory for something you have forgotten or take a forgettable day and explain why it was forgettable, thus making it less forgettable, thus fulling a filler.
Let the words do the work that the working memory is trying to avoid.
Who knows what you'll come up with....maybe even something that you will remember writing at some time in the future which just might inspire you to redeem a lost pearl or re-examine a forgotten promise or forgive a false tresspass.
It's what writers do when we decide for whatever reason that it's better to write than to dream and we have the words to prove it.
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Writing always helps me no
Writing always helps me no matter what my mood. Hope the rest of the week is better for you. I think the off days help you realize how good other days can be, you just have to keep smiling.
Take care.
Jenny.
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