Full of Poison
By ice rivers
I'm about as full of poison as I'm going to get. I'm twenty five blasts in with three to go.
Lethargic guilt is such a pitiful condition.
I'm reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of mine a few months before I got diagnosed.
My lifelong pal John Crown had been clobbered by heart attack, heart surgery, cancer, colostomy and blinding cataracts.
On his most recent trip to the hospital, Dr. Somebody asked Crown if he was depressed. Crown knew that the doctor was very aware of how many health concerns he had on his plate.
"Of course I'm depressed, Doctor. Wouldn't you be if you were I?"
The doctor shrugged as if to say "uhyayuh"
The doctor asked Crown if he wanted something for the depression.
Crown said "No thank you. My depression is the only thing I give a shit about"
That's how I was feeling all day today. The only thing that interested me was my lack of interest and the guilt that came with not giving a shit which is even more interesting and paralyzing than the lethargy itself.
At the radiation center, they warned me that 95% of the people having the treatment that I'm having experience fatigue.
I wondered if they had a reason for that amazing percentage.
They said it's our bodies reaction to the poison that is introduced into our systems with poison being another word for radiation.
I had been operating under a false impression. I thought that every day when I get zapped by the rays I was equating the rays with a ray gun which fired at my cancerous cells for about five minutes. Then after the volley, the smoke cleared.
Radiation is more like pouring poison in to a container until the container is full and then letting the poison invade the environment in which the deadly cells are trying to multiply.
The battle goes on for more that a volley of five minutes. The battle is continuous 24/7
In other words, every day my container gets filled with more poison. It's gonna linger in the neighborhood for a month and when it starts to dissipate, we'll look at the environment again and see what damage has been done to the invading cells.
So that's why I'm worn out and going to the bathroom 3 times an hour.
And the whole thing is becoming routine.
Routine tends to normalize even the most extraordinary circumstances.
It's comforting to know that all of this is normal and there's no reason to feel guilty.
A reduction in guilt takes the edge off the lethargy.
So I'm gonna feel good about all the times I'm rotting on the couch.
My body earns it every day.
Soon I'll be as full of poison as I'm gonna get and from that point on, I'm gonna get better.