Hey Asshole, Don't Call Me an Anteater
By ice rivers
Hey, I'm an aardvark for God's sake.
Don't start calling me an anteater just because I eat ants. I eat termites too. If you called me a termiteater that wouldn't be that bad because it sounds kinda like terminator but it's still not as good as aardvark.
An anteater is a whole different mammal. Okay we both got long snouts so I'm surprised y'all didn't just call us nosesniffers and put us in the same swamp.
You're not gonna find my ass in a swamp, brother. I don't chill around water. I dig the woods, man. Plus, I hang out at night in the woods not during the day in a swamp down by the river.
I'm an aardvark goddamned it.
I got teeth. You wanna see my teeth? Here check 'em out. Now go find an asshole anteater somewhere on some other continent and see if that son of a bitch has any teeth. He doesn't have any...never had any...he's a godamned anteater. Anteaters don't have teeth....aardvarks do.
I hate the word 'anteater' in the first place. You might as well call dung beetles 'shit eaters'. I don't want to be named after what I eat so it pisses me off when they call me anteater. I love my real name.
Aardvark is a beautiful name. Always right up there at the top of the alphabet when people are in an animal naming contest. Most people don't have any idea what I look like until some moron tells them that I'm an anteater and then I get stereotyped with those assholes.
Oh yeah, one other thing, does this look like South America to you? We're in Africa for Christ sake. Aardvarks live in Africa..anteaters live in South America. They live above the ground. I live below the ground. I only come up at night. If you think you see me in the daylight, then you're in South America in a goddamned swamp somewhere and you're looking at an anteater. Meanwhile, I'm in my burrow, chilling out and getting ready for the night life.
So let's not make that stupid ass mistake again. Let me simplify this for you.
I'm an AARDVARK and I live in the dark, my teeth leave a mark.
Now get the fuck outta here.