An Itch As Big As A Banger
By ice rivers
George Fern woke up one morning with a terrible itch.
George had been losing weight which was good but retaining water which was not so good. George measured both his weight loss and water retention progress or lack of by the ease or difficulty with which he could slip his wedding ring on and off his finger. It had been sliding off smoothly for a couple of weeks which coincided with his weight loss which he attributed to removing peanut butter drenched toast from his breakfast every morning. Hey, if you're gonna change your body, you gotta change your habits. George had been overdosing on peanut butter for years and it had finally caught up with him when he decided to eliminate it.
The elimination was working, ringslips were increasingly smooth.
At 1:43 that morning, his ring started to itch. George tried to scratch that itch but he couldn't get to it because it was happening above and below his wedding ring. George itched furiously until he became fully awake. He pulled off his ring but the ring don't budge. Not one bit.
On his right hand George had another ring. The right handed ring was a ring that George had inherited from his father Fred. That ring was itching as well. George tried to remove that ring but it too refused to budge. So George scratched and scratched. Eventually both fingers syarted to pulsate along with their itching. The two rings seemed to be communicating with each other and were using George's heart as a tom-tom.
Meanwhile the fingers underneath the rings were starting to expand and engorge. They were turning purple and began to look like a pair of Irish bangers; big purply sausages. George thought to himself, too bad this wasn't happening to his pecker which was dormant as usual. George's semi-annual boners had devolved into annual semi-boners which didn't seem to bother his wife Wendy.
The right hand ring had a little bit of slide room so George pulled on it with all his might. The pulsating in the finger diminished which encouraged George to pull harder while still insanely scratching. Each turn and each pull were having a tiny effect and after what seemed like years, George was able to yank the goddamned thing off his finger.
He put his father's ring into his jewelry box on his way to the bathroom. He grabbed some cocoa flavored skin moisturizer (ultra rich) and smeared it all over his wedding ring which eased the itching some but the ring wouldn't budge. George was grateful for the end of the itch and soon, exhausted, he fell back asleep. Even as he slept, the banger continued to grow and when he woke, his ring finger had doubled in size and the ring had gone from itching to biting.
George responded in kind and tried to bite the ring off which also failed.
The biting and snorting woke up Wendy who asked "what's wrong George?"
George showed Wendy his finger. Wendy didn't appear to be horrified, she appeared to be interested. Problems always interested Wendy, that's why she was attracted to George in the first place and why George made a point of keeping his problems to himself.
She had an idea. In her bedstand Wendy had what was left of a cherry flavored lubricant that had been sleeping peacefully for the last couple of years. She pulled the lubricant out and said "let's try this." She squirted the cherry juice onto the purple banger and she began to pull. While Wendy was pulling one way, George was pulling the other. The pain was excruciating and the progress was negligible.
Wendy put the banger finger in her mouth and started to suck it.
The ring didn't move but George's pecker did. It started to grow and grow amidst the pain and the pulling and the yelling and the sucking.
To Wendy this was no longer about the ring nor the problem and she was getting more and more interested with each suck.
And then BAM....George came in his pajamas.
The finger began to disengorge in proportion
Wendy removed the banger from her mouth and with one last pull, the ring passed over George's knuckle and slipped off.
George put the wedding ring back in the jewelry box next to his father's ring.
Wendy had saved the day.