Jack Goes Nicholson Over the Aardark in his Wallet
By ice rivers
One day for no reason, a bunch of us started comparing what we carried in our wallets. Jack Stafford won the competition that day. For some reason Jack carried a picture of an aardvark in his wallet. He had been carrying it for decades.
In the course of the ensuing years, I would often ask Jack if he still had the aardvark picture in his wallet. He always did.
One night at Frontier Field, I was talking to a guy when Jack came over. I told the guy that Jack carried a picture of an arrdvark in his wallet. The guy wanted to see it. Jack took out his wallet and showed the guy. The guy said "that's not an aardvark, that's an anteater."
Jack took great offense to this characterization. An anteater in a wallet is a whole different ball game from an aardvark in a wallet. Jack went all out Nicholson
"Hey, It's an aardvark for God's sake. Don't start calling it an anteater just because it eats ants. It eats termites too. If you called it a termiteater that wouldn't be that bad because it sounds kinda like terminator but it's still not as good as aardvark. An anteater is a whole different mammal. Okay ,they both got long snouts so I'm surprised y'all didn't just call 'em nosesniffers and put em in the same swamp."
The "conversation" paused. We all started cheering and slapping each other on the back when Jobie Meadows went yard to put the home team ahead.
Jack began again
"You're not gonna find an aardvark's ass in a swamp, brother. They don't chill around water. They dig the woods, man. Plus, I hang out at night in the woods not during the day in a swamp down by the river. He's an aardvark goddamned it. He's got teeth. You wanna see his teeth? Here check 'em out."
The guy took a closer look at Jack's picture and noticed the teeth.
"Now go find an anteater somewhere on some other continent and see if that son of a bitch has any teeth. He doesn't have any...never had any...he's a godamned anteater. Anteaters don't have teeth....aardvarks do. Aardvark is a beautiful name. Always right up there at the top of the alphabet when people are in an animal naming contest. Most people don't have any idea what they look like until somebody confuses them with anteater and then they get stereotyped with those assholes."
Jack took a long swig from his beer and continued
"Oh yeah, one other thing, take another look. See the jungle in the background? See the moon. That's Africa for Christ sake. Aardvarks live in Africa..anteaters live in South America. They live above the ground. Aardvarks live below the ground. They only come up at night. If you think you see one in the daylight, then you're in South America in a goddamned swamp somewhere and you're looking at an anteater. Meanwhile, an aardvark is in its in burrow, chilling out and getting ready for the night life. So let's not make that mistake again. Let me simplify this for you.This is an an AARDVARK and Ihe lives in the dark, and his teeth leave a mark. Got it? Good. You wanna beer ? How bout you, Ice?"
Conehead came by and Jack bought the three of us beers as the ballgame continued.