My next job

I've been itching to get back into the wilderness so I may be coming out of retirement.

I've just learned of a job opportunity that may be available. It's a reseach job involving masquerading in a moose outfit and prowling wildlife areas in Wyoming to throw snow balls laced with either grizzly dung or wolf urine at moose packs to see if they run away or continue to graze. The moose suit is a two parter so I'm gonna need a female to be one half of the moose; either the ass or the head depending upon the ups and downs of our relationship. The ass will carry the snowballs and record the reaction time of the panic with a stop watch while the head will toss the snowballs towards the moose. I'm told that it's not easy to tell the difference between a wolf pissed on snowball and a grizzly crapped upon snowball in the darkness of a moose suit so I'm going to need an assistant whose good with her hands, sensitive with her sense of smell and possesor of acute eye/hand/nose co-ordination. 

I'm not sure if the job pays much but you don't get into a job like this for the money. We will have the rare opportunity to observe giant male moose rolling around in their own piss which has been delivered from tennis ball sized testicles swollen from starvation and sexual frustration/abstinence as foreplay to the four second humping that comes once every blue moon and will result in enough baby moose to hopefully preserve the species while keeping the wolves away.

The purpose of our research will be to determine which snowball will cause the most immediate/frenzied moose stampede....bear shit or wolf piss. Our thesis being that since so many bears and wolves have been slaughtered since Lewis and Clark that moose no longer retreat from either smell which means moose are multiplying faster than wolves or bears and since moose and beaver have similar grazing habits, the more moose the fewer bear/wolf, the fewer beaver and the fewer beaver the fewer beaver dams and the fewer beaver dams the fewer butterflies. Thus we proceed from the ass end of a fake moose suit through bear shit, wolf piss and beaver dams to the fate of butterflies.

Perfect.

If you don't see me for the next few months, I'm in Wyoming.