Polar Boner

Thornton Krell was a huge fan of Richard Boone due to Boone's portrayal of Palladin in the adult Western Have Gun Will Travel which was the lead in to Gunsmoke on Saturdey night teevee. The influence of Krell led me to become a fan of Boone.

Boone had a nice career in movies and teevee, playing villains against the likes of Paul Newman and Marlon Brando.

By 1977, however, Boone was pretty much washed up. He headed for Japan to make one last movie. That movie turrned out to be The Last Dinosaur, shot in the Japanese Alps.

Boone plays a gazillionaire named Mastin Thrust who has invented a rocket ship that fires INTO the earth, penetrating deeper than any previous penetration searching for oil.. Thrust will do that for ya.

Eventually Boone chooses four crewmates and decides to ride the Polar Borer into the earth himself where it is rumored that a prehistoric jungle had been discovered on a previous "voyage".

This film has become my number one guilty pleasure when it comes to golden turkeys that I am compelled to watch over and over again.

The female member of the crew is played by Joan Van Ark who later will go on to fame in the teevee series Knot's Landing and eventually will be cast as Imma Cumming in one of her bottom of the barrell roles. In this one she plays Frankie, a "modern" woman who is shocked, dsimayed, and disgusted by Mastin's way over the top chauvinistic behavior until she finally begins to love him of course.

The movie opens with a bombastic theme song sung by Nancy Wilson called of course "The Last Dinosaur." The songs is a fantastic rip off of the Goldfinger song and tells the story of Mastin in the most hyperbolic and testeronic of lyrics.

The other characters are: a guy named Chuck, A Masai warrior and tracker named Bunta and a Japanese scientest named Dr. Kawamoto. Thrust holds a press conference that must be seen to be believed where he introduces Bunta and Kawamoto. ("His name is Bunta") Right from the get go, these two characters Buta and Kawamoto are obvious dinosaur food.

After the Polar Bonaer has had intercourse with the Earth, sure enough they come upon a land unknown full of pterodactyls, stegasaurs, cave people and of course a totally, indescribably fake T-rex who of course has to battle another dinosaur and rip that thing part with his jaws and claws producing kegs of fake blood. When the trex finishes dismantling his prehistoric enemy, he comes across the Polar Bearer and kicks the crap out of it leaving the survivors with no direction home. In addition, the Trex has gained an apetite for human meat after devouring Kawamoto.

This pisses off Thrust who pledges to kill the dinosaur, even though he is armed with only a primitive bow and arrow which is used to fight off cave people and attracts a Yoko Ono cave woman to Thrust. Thrust is repulsed by the woman who gets the name "Hazel'.

The atavistic survivors find shelter in a cave as weeks go by and Thrust continues to exhibit ultra masculinity and disregard for the advance of both Frankie and Hazel.

Eventually Thrust and Bunta construct a primitive catapault from which they will hurl a gigantic fake rock at the dinosaur when Trex comes looking for another meal. In one of the greatest moments in shit movie history when theTrex comes stomping through the jungle, they launch the gigantic bogus boulder and it hits the fake dinosaur in his fake noggin and it leaves a goofy dent.

The survivors ask Thrust..."did we get him/"

Thrust replies " I don't know."

( " I don't know" is one of the infamous quotes from the film. My wife who rightly hates the film has to hear me say "I don't know" in Boone voice when she asks me a question that I don't feel like answering which of course irritates her)

It turns out that the fake boulder didn't kill Trex so Trex eventaully makes a meal of Bunta.

Meanwhile Chuck and Frankie have found the Polar Borer, fixed it up and are prepared at last to pull out.

Frankie brings the news to Mastin who says that he ain't goin anywhere. He's gonna kill that Trex.

Frankie says "How can you kill that. It's the last dinosaur to which Thrust replies "No, it isn't. I am."

 With that the Boner er Borer departs, leaving Thrust alone on his final hunt accompanied only by the fake Yoko Ono who worships him.

The voice of Nancy Wilson returns. "He is the Last dinosaur'

Yes, I've given you many spoilers but it doesn't matter. You're gonna know exactly what's gonna happen by the time Thrust has his press conference at the onset of the film.

It's not the story although the stroy perfectly matches the profoundly comical execution of the story.

Thrust is a long, long way from Brando, Newman and Paladin.

Somehow Van Ark's career rebounded and she became a teevee star.

The entire film is available on youtube.

I dare you to watch it.

But be careful, you just might have to watch it again and again and again and again as guilt turns once again into masochistic pleasure.