Strapping On The Mask
By ice rivers
- 423 reads
Here's a very simple way to solve the problem of tigers ripping people to shreds when the big cats escape from their exhibits in the zoo.
Tiger masks.
Tigers always attack from behind. If we give everybody a mask as they enter the zoo and tell them to wear the mask on the back of their head rather than over their face then we can finally be assured that everyone will be safe from the occasional random tiger on the loose rampage that will surely cut down on attendance in zoos all over the world unless confronted with creativity born of necessity.
I would suggest masks of Oliver Hardy, Albert Einstein, Edgar Allen Poe or Walt Disney would make the best tiger masks.
Another positive element about the idea is that zoo goers, while walking from one exhibit to another, wouldn't have to look at the back of anybody's head. Don't you agree that it's always more interesting to walk when people are walking towards you than when you're in a single line and everybody's moving in the same direction.
If everybody had masks on backwards not only would the fear of tigers be seriously diminished but we would always be looking at faces no matter what kind of line we found ourselves. Yet, the awareness ovf the possibility of rampage would be acknowledged by the act of strapping on the mask.
Hardy would bring us a sense of nostalgic merriment, comical frustration and big plans thwarted.
Einstein would bring a sense of genius, relativity, nuclear holocaust, and infinity.
Poe would bring a sense of poetry, alcoholism, horror and romance.
Disney would bring a sense of tomorrow, of fantasy, of pioneering and capitalistic triumph.
So as we walked through the zoo, free from the fear of marauding tigers we could contemplate genius, horror, romance, frustration, infinity, capitalistic triumph and alcoholism with a fantastic sense of nostalgic merriment as we made our plans for tomorrow and thanked God almighty that we weren't pioneers starving in the middle of Missouri or some other hell hole but are actually patrons of a zoo walking in any direction we choose without fear of feline attack.
Let's act now before more humans are devoured.
Let's learn from our friends the gatherers of Bengal. It's no picnic gathering sustenance in an area infested with man-eating tigers. Year after year hundreds of Bengalese gatherers were fragmentized by tigers. Then some sahib, having repeatedly witnessed the tendency of tigers to attack from the back, got the idea to encourage each of the gatheres to wear a mask backwards. Loss of life diminished immediately.
The first year alone, deaths dropped from three hundred to sixty. None of the sixty were wearing tiger masks.
You have to ask yourself why?
Why would a Bengalese gatherer refuse to wear a tiger mask?
Did he think it would be uncool?
How cool do you have to be in order to get a job as tiger food. What level of cool are these gatherers trying to preserve?
Very few people can maintain their cool when experiencing the reality of tiger fang and claw up close and personal.
If it is a matter o vanity, we can overcome that vanity through the use of cool masks. Let's make the masks a matter of choice rather than obligation.
The vibe would not be as optimistic if we only had one tiger mask to choose from as we entered that zoo and that one mask was say Katie Couric or Randy Jackson.
If it has to be only one mask,let's go with the Dude, El Duderino, the Dudester, Jeff Lebowski.
Yet at the same time, we don't want to have too many masks in fear of turning the zoo into Arlene's Costume Shop. We want to simplify the zoo going experience while simultaneously making it safer.
Let's not be a nation of Bengal sustenance gatheres trying to be cool and getting devoured instead.
That's not what America is all about.
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