By ice rivers
I feel pretty good about myself.
That's why my occasional decisions to "lose weight" are always half-hearted at best.
My latest one took place about three weeks ago when I decided to stop eating candy. I read somewhere that LeBron hadn't had a piece of candy in three years. I'd go ahead and consume everything else in the usual, disturbing manner but I would just skip the candy.
I told Lynn not to buy any candy anymore.
Of course the idea of "telling" Lynn to do or not do something is as fabulous as me posterizing LeBron.
Ain't gonna happen.
She came back with the bag of miniature candy bars that are supposed to last a month but usually last about two weeks.
Twixt, Musketeers and Snickers.
After buying them and bringing them home she asked me if I wanted her to hide them.
I said, "it doesn't matter because I'm not gonna eat them."
She left the bag where she always leaves it and where I always go when I decide to raid it.
I was done with candy. She had to see it to believe it. In the meantime, why not tempt the guy.
Somewhere between days and weeks, Lynn decided to hide the candy.
Didn't matter to me.
I had lost a few insignificant pounds and was seemingly on my way to Cleveland. Maybe some day, I'd be able to stand on one foot for longer than fifteen seconds.
I don't want candy.
Yesterday Lynn flipped the script. She brought home Oreos. Not just Oreos but "reduced fat" Oreos.
The cunning side of morbid obesity kicked in and whispered "reduced fat" and then took it one step further " the more of these you eat, the more you reduce your fat."
I started out with two while waiting for my bread to toast. Then I had two more. I ate my toast with less peanut butter than usual and drank a glass of milk.
The milk was okay but I wasn't quite thirsty enough.
I needed some more Oreos to be thirsty enough to throw down another gigantic glass of milk which, thank jesus, was also "fat free".
I grabbed four more Oreos threw them down and chased the thirst with milk.
I wanted to grab a couple more Oreos but decided that I had enough to write this story. Maybe by the time I finished the story, I wouldn't be thinking about more cookies.
Or Diet Coke
Or Jack Daniels
Or any of the other things I'm thinking about right now
Like a cigar.
Obviously those things haven't even crossed my mind.
I hear Lynn shuffling around downstairs.
Maybe she's already seen the damage done to the "brand effing new package of Oreos" and has already decided to hide them.
Put them next to the bars which I don't want anyways.
Then the next time I crave an Oreo I can tear the house apart until I find the cookies which I'm sure are right next to the candy bars and the Jack.
Having found them, I have to celebrate.
Y'all know what comes next.
Cancel the tickets to Cleveland