Underguard...Brockton Choice

Awhile back, during the customary slaughter of the Bills, I had to use the men's room at half-time. The men's room was packed and there was a huge line to get into the place. Longest lines I've ever seen.

While standing inline, I met a guy from Brockton, Massachusetts. He was a Patriot fan. He asked me if it were true that the beer sales ended at halftime. I told him that I believed that was the case. He said "well, I've got a very difficult choice to make. I've got to either get out of this line and into the beer line or stay here and have to go the whole second half without any beers. If I get the beers, I pee my pants. If I don't get the beers, I get to use this john, possibly and don't have any beers for the second half"

He was in a quandry.

I asked him this question: "How drunk are you"

He said "I'm pretty drunk. Just consider this conversation I'm having with you right now"

I figured he wasn't THAT drunk or he wouldn't be admitting to being drunk but on the other hand, he did note that the conversation that we were having was indeed a drunken one. I knew that I hadn't had any beers yet so if the conversation was indeed a drunken one, which it certainly was,then he might actually be as drunk as he claimed to be.

I pondered the question while he did the pee dance.

I tried to take his mind off the situation by asking him if Rocky Marciano was a big deal in Brockton. I think this got his concentration off of his quandry for a second. He started praising me because I knew that Rocky came from Brockton, Mass.He didn't expect anybody from Bills country to know anything about Hagler country. Marvin Hagler also came from Brockton.

I resisted the urge to tell him that I thought Sugar Ray Leonard had whipped Marvin fair and square.

I thought we might have a common ground in Rocky so I waited.

Drunk Brockton guy spoke next "He had forty nine fights ya know" the pee dancer said " and he won every one of them"

"Forty three by knockout" I added.

"Ya know what causes a knockout?", he asked me.

"Yeah", I said. "You get hit with a pucnch that you didn't see coming"

"I didn't see this deal coming where there's no beer sales after half time", he said.

"I didn't see that there would be such a long line to get into the john. I've seen this before outside women's johns but never outside a guy's john."

I added "Maybe we should try the women's john. I've told women to use the men's john under similar circumstances.

Any port in a storm" the Brockton guy said. There was in fact no line for the women's rest room. At least no line that we could see from our line outside the men's room.

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This is the point where we get a closeup of the guy from Brockton.

He's thinking,considering the alternatives: a) continue to stand in the way too long line b) head over to the equally long line at the concession stand or c) make a break for the women's rest room.

The closeup turns into a freeze frame.

Then we hear the voice of Van Miller, retired Voice of the Bills. "Yes Bills fan, this could be you next time you come out to the ball game. What would you do?" "What would you do, Steve Tasker"

A talking head close up of a very sincere Steve Tasker: "Well Van, this is a special situation and I was a special teams player. To be a special teams player, you need to make the right decision at the right time and you need the right equipment"

"Very true, Steve and the record shows that you made more than your share of correct decisions in critical situations"

"Thank you, Van. I know exactly what I'd do in this situation, particularly if I had the right equipment. And this, Van is the right equipment" With that Steve pulls out an adult diaper with the Bills logo on it. "See Van, if you have this equipment, you don't even have to think about going to either the men's room or the ladies room. You can just sit back and get 'er done. Believe me, it's a warm, wonderful, private feeling"

"I know, Steve, I'm wearing that equipment right now as a matter of fact but I don't have an official Bills logo on my adult diaper"

"That's right Van and that's what makes your equipment nothing more than an adult diaper which is so pathetic that a lot of fans wouldn't be caught dead wearing. Cripes Van, I'd rather walk into the ladies room then strap on an adult diaper.

That's where this "Get 'er Done" official NFL underguard comes into play. Just strap this thing on and "Get 'er Done" Cut back to a long shot of the entrance to the Women's room. Screams are heard. Cut to security officers running towards the room. A close-up of a concerned Steve. Van's voice

"That didn't have to happen Steve"

"That's right Van. He could have just "got 'er done" and he could have been enjoying yet another ice cold beer instead of whatever hell he's going to be facing for the rest of this afternoon"

Van and Steve together: "NFL fans...get 'er done.