Every time i tell someone about a story that i’m about to write and i tell them that story, i never write it and it disappears in the telling as the words fail to stay. This story for example will in all probability never be written because I’m telling it to someone.
That someone is you.
You might be different.
One day I was having a slice of pizza in the food court near the carousel when I noticed a burly man with a bushy gray beard walking towards me. The guy was wearing a tee shirt that read “I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT”.
Ichaged seats so I could see what kind of pizza this guy was about to get. That’s when I read what was printed on the back of the tee shirt> These were the words; “I’’M LEGALLY INSANE”
The guy bought single slice of pizza with mushrooms,anchovies, pepperoni and onions. I wondered if he were going to pay for it or just turn around and show to the pizza server the message on the back of his shirt.
Fortunately, burly beard pulled some rumpled bills out of his pocket….handed it to the pizza guy and disappeared into the mall. As he passed people It was clear that they were pretending not to see him but more than a few did a reverse double take and read the message on his back just like I did and made a face like the one I must have made when I read it….an expression of bemusement, fear and feigned indifference.
I finished my pizza and headed for my car….thinking about what I had just seen and preparing to tell my wife about it when I got home.
On the way home, I was listening to a “guest” who was appearing at the local comedy club. A comedy club is a place that people flock to when they wnt to be insulted or to feel superir to those being insulted.Because the guest had identified himself as a comedian, the host of the radio show was wildly overlaughing at every cruel observation, every redundant ethnic quip, every burp, every mention of the word fart, every exercise of crude, primitive, homophobic political incorrectness.
After twenty minues of this, I arrived at home. I began to tell my wife about this story and in doing so I realized I would never write about it although I told her I was going to. I realized that the "comedian" a guy named Human Bomm from Yucca Flats, Nevada neede a tee shirt like the one the burly guy had. Bomm's tee shirt, however, would read I CAN SAY ANYHTING I WANT AND YOU WILL LAUGH on the front and on the back said I'M A COMEDIAN.
I realized that the word "LEGALLY" would be missing from the back. I began to wonder how someone could be declared "legally" a comedian. I began to create a system in which a person could become a "legal" comedian. He would have to pass a bar exam which means he would have to meet an authorization crew at a bar and tell them a series of jokes...a clean one....an ethnic one....a joke about the wife... and a couple of jokes that used the word "fuck" in them. Depending upon the reaction of the judges, he could earn his id card as a comedian. If one of the judges shit his/her pants after any of the jokes....admission would be immediate.
I told my wife a few of the jokes I would use to get my card. I told her when I got my card, I would insult everybody I came in contact with and when they said "What are you, a goddamned comedian?" I would whip out my card and say Yes, Yes I am...now laugh mo fo."
I went on and on promising I was gonna write this whole thing out and yet knowing that I never would.
Then you came along. I told you thes tory up to this point and lo and behold....here it is.
The story goes on and on but I can tell you're getting tired of it so this is as far as it's going to get even hough I promise you I'm gonna finish it and write the whole thing down someday including my qualifying jokes and yet knowing hat I
but here's a few punch lines
1) a beer and a mop
2) look what toilet papers done to yu ass
3) I hope it's not a fuckin' hat
4) Let the Pollock do it
you've been a lovely audience now get a job