Unholy Flying Cow

On the second day of our visit to Universal Studio Theme Park in Florida, we stayed behind while Mary and Ava explored the park on their own. The girls were sweet sixteen.

When they returned to the hotel, they kept talking and laughing about an attraction called  Twister...Ride it Out. They started imitating Bill Paxton as he described in a wildly monotone voice the beauty and horror of being caught in a Twister.

For years after and including today, anytime I get together with Ava and Mary either separately or together....somebody's always gonna say, "Hi, I'm Bill Paxton" in the irritating, I'm only here for a pay day plus I'm pissed off at Helen Hunt tone of voice that Bill used while opening and concluding his immedately mockable intro to Twister....Ride It Out.

"You start believing the twister is not just a weather condition. It takes on a life of its own, becoming an entity. A demon spirit, a devouring colossus bent on destruction. By the end, there's only one thing you can do — hold on for your life."

After his intro (which we shorthand to "Hi, I'm Bill Paxton....Hold on for your life.") the ride began.... a ride that wasn't actually a ride just a special effects extravaganza which featured amongst other tacky tropes....the infamous flying cow.

The "ride" was supposed to open in March 1998 but the opening was postponed due to the fact that a tornado ripped through Northern Florida that same month and killed several people.

Today, thank God, the tacky attraction has been long removed from the Park after decades of declining attendance, bad reviews and extensive maintenance repair costs.

Meanwhile .....outside the park...in the real world.....

We are now faced with continual weather condition extravaganzas every day from sea to shining sea (and that's just in America). The national evening news, when not dominated by the chaos that is Donald Trump, has slowly become a nightly synopsis of current climate change disasters manifested in their  "unprecedented" intensity, magnitude, ferocity and frequency. We have become so used to the horrifying "news" that the effects of each catastrophe barely qualify as "special" anymore unless you're in one.

Last week a twister tore apart a 59 mile stretch of homes in Mississippi. Teevee, of course, gave us "powerful" images of the destruction. An entire town was wiped off the map. Somehow only a few people were killed even as semi-trucks were thrown into schools.

One of the lasting images portrayed an elderly man searching through his flattened home and finding that he had only one possession left to his name...a battered suitcase. Naturally teevee found this poor soul wandering around his twisted home town carrying his suitcase and wondering where he would go and how he would get there.

Wandering and wondering through devoured ruins.

Maybe he'll head East to Florida. Maybe he'll go to Universal Theme Park.

Fortunately, he'll never hear these words, "Hi I'm Bill Paxton."