U OK Hun
i dont give a shit about you. ive come to terms with who i am now. im immune to your bullshit.
like a vaccination for insufferable arseholes ive given myself a dose of self-love and now i dont feel anything except vindication for who i am. Entitlement to my own body, comfy in my own skin, i know im not thin, thats not what im getting at. ive got rolls and love handles and my tummy wubbles when i run for the bus and i love every succulent piece of my tender body, every morcel of my flesh is like melt in the mouth chocolate chips, the ones i gift myself today. because i feel like i deserve them.
bring me those bits of my broken self, or the fragments of an old piece of mind that i never gave to that boy on a friday night when the music was blaring, and tell me that i give a shit. ill prove you wrong.
show me those silvery stretch marks, the wrinkles and folds, trickling like tributaries across the vast expanses of my skin, so vast that the universe could envelop them. as expansive as the sky at night, on a clear day, and so immense that your brain cannot wrap itself around the hugeness of it all, the infiniteness and the bounds without bounds without bounds. my skin can reach across four football pitches, it goes on for miles, thats what my body can do. it’s a living breathing dreaming wondering thing, it wonders and it wanders, on these legs that i built myself, i taught them how to step one in front of the other in front of the other and keep going.
let that light shine in, even though its tinged and dim because the clouds havent caught up yet with the way im processing things.
and every bit of my brain is wondering about those things so big and bigger than myself and me, and all the world is too massive to envisage, so i keep on thinking and thinking.
and i dont feel paper thin today my skin feels thick and i wonder what the day will bring.
i havent left my bed yet, theres just too much of the room to take in.
and i know i cant expect too much so i just accept that breathing is enough and tell myself in a mantra of mindfullness the way ive taught my brain to look after me that im ok, hun, yes im ok hun.
and i dont know what it all means but i know that i fit in. im one of the cogs and im one of the millions and billions of atoms in this big old machine, and im proud of what i can bring. it feels like i know what it feels like to win. and to win just because i took part. i know its only a start but im fine with that.
i feel like i can do it, get out of bed and face the music, turn on my favourite playlist, the one that my favourite music-streaming provider created for me based on all my recent tastes, and skip ahead to the one that would usually make me cringe, but today i feel tip top and i know its not going to last. but im ok with that, yes im ok with that.
cos im not judging myself today.
im standing up and stretching all that skin, looking in the mirror, taking it all in. i jiggle with my bits a bit, make them say a silly thing. my tummy can talk, my thighs can whisper all the things theyve seen. ive put them through a lot, these thighs. bless them, i think.
my heart is beating in my chest i know that above all im taking breaths, rhythmic breasts will rise and fall and thats enough. that’s enough, im ok hun, im ok hun.
im enough and im grateful for how i feel today.
so ill watch a tutorial to make up my face. that will make my grateful display. and ill look great. makeup makes me feel made up, like well chuffed. theres nothing wrong with wanting to spend a little bit of love on my skin, feel a little more confident within, if i feel like i look good without.
and all these bits are mine, and im fine. because im me and thats enough today.
time to drink some positivitea
and have a biscuit to dunk on in it.