The Gorilla and the Primate.

You’ve heard the one about the Hippie and the Gorilla, right? Everyone has . . . Right?

        Well, there was this Lady called, whatever and she was somewhat a bit of a Hippie. And one day she met a Silverback Gorilla called Mungo. Now Mungo was held in captivity in some Zoo someplace and he had been resident there for about four years. Twiddling his thumbs and doing whatever captive wild animals do. When one day he met this Hippie.

        The Hippie would visit Mungo weekly. Just sit by the window at his enclosure and try and communicate with the animal. The primate. Mungo, inquisitive, would play with her. Running away from the glass on his stumpy little leg-hands and back, again. Showing of his powerful primate skills.

        If the Hippie smiled At Mungo through the glass, Mungo would reciprocate. If she waved, again, Mungo would do the same.

        Now this Hippie was warned on more than one occasion not to get too close with the animal. But the Hippie would still come week in week out and stare intently into the Gorilla’s eyes and the Gorilla would stare right back. The Hippie thought that she and the animal had made some deep connection.

        Pure love.

        Bliss.

        But you see, these animals don’t necessarily see a smile or direct eye contact as some sign of love or solidarity, they see a challenge to their dominance.

        Aggression.

        So every day this Hippie is coming in and smiling right at this Gorilla and poor Mungo is becoming increasingly agitated. Trying his little primate heart out to stare the silly bitch down.

        Oh, for fucks sake; she’s back. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me bitch! Argh! She’s doing it, again!

        I mean.

        Imagine being him.

        Powerful as fuck. King fucking Kong. Leader of all you survey and then this clueless hairless ape just tipsy toddles over to you like she exists in some ethereal never-never land where nothing ever goes wrong where bad things aren’t even a fucking concept and starts flirting with you.

        Poor Mungo probably thought she was ripping the piss out of him.

        She’s back. Boys? Boys! She’s back, again! After that look I gave her yesterday. OMG!

        Fluttering her eye-lids at him like she’s Betty Boo!

        What was she expecting?

        A fucking conjugal?

        Anyway, after a few weeks of having this Hippie trying her best to get to first base with the frustrated fella, Mungo finally lost it and literally went Ape-shit! He jumped the water filled ditch that separated the enclosure, jumped a wall and proceeded to chin the fuck out of her; dragging and swinging the deluded Hippie   around, creating bone fractures and bite marks. He also escaped the Zoo, raided a coffee shop, bitch slapped a student and took out a couple of hipsters who were eating expensive American breakfast cereals.

        The Hippie . . . never saw Mungo, again.

        We never learn.

        Just like the guy they called Bear-boy or Grizzly-dude, who though that he had an affinity with big fuck off Bears. So one day a big fuck off Bear enlightened him to natures, apparently, and I use the word loosely, “unpredictable” wrath and tore the guy a new arsehole.

        That Hippie . . . Never saw life, again.