Asphodel

Cherry

By onemorething

Tue, 06 Apr 2021
  • 879 reads
10 comments
 

I have wished to forget everything, 

and mind emptied, I might oversee 

life in monotonous bliss, river drunk 

to eat and sleep upon sweet asphodel. 

 

And mind emptied, I might oversee 

these wan spears that grow rooted to the dead - 

to eat and sleep upon sweet asphodel;  

though I recall that as a child I was immortal. 
 

These wan spears that grow rooted to the dead, 

before lessons in the possibility of death; 

though I recall that as a child I was immortal, 

when I was a child I was equal. 

 

Before lessons in the possibility of death, 

before I saw that inequity was universal; 

when I was a child I was equal, 

and I have never sought honour or dishonour, 

 

but I despair of this illusion of choice;

an asphodel regrets its lack of colour,

but no amount of yearning 

can make its disappointment bright.

 

Image is from here: https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Xerophyllum_asphodeloides_CBM.jpg

A first (sleepless) attempt at a pantoum, just for fun (it was actually pretty arduous). Not sure it works really, but when I recover from the effort it took, I'm certain I'll look back on it as a valuable experience. 

 

Certificate PG
Poem
Unclassified

Comments

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

You have led me down a very interesting rabbithole of asphodel and pantoums - thank you onemore! I'll come back and reread the poem again when slightly more awake

 

Submitted by onemorething on

Ha. Sorry. I'm not sure that's a rabbit hole anyone would want to go down. I found it frustrating. And wasn't keen on it and now I've looked at it again in the cold light of day, it seems awful. I don't like some of the lines repeated. I might have another look at it and change some of the lines at some point. Thanks for reading it! :)

 

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

I didn't mean it in a bad way, honestly, it really was interesting! Please don't take it down

 

Submitted by onemorething on

Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to give the impression I was upset, not at all and I definitely didn't think you meant anything in a negative way. I just thought I might change a couple of the lines that repeated, not delete it altogether. Some of them are a bit clangy to me now. I'm not that keen on it on a second read. I read a really good pantoum by John Ashbery and I think a key thing should be that the repeated lines should become interestingly different in meaning next to the new one. I'm not sure I managed that at all. It was hard work - I think I'll stick to free verse from now on! :)

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

Don't delete it, though! There are lots of brilliant lines, I particularly like

"I recall that as a child I was immortal"

and

"before I saw that inequity was universal;"

The first bit :

"I have wished to forget everything, 

and mind emptied, I might oversee 

life in monotonous bliss, river drunk 

to eat and sleep upon sweet asphodel."

reminded me of doing Keats for A level :0)

 

 

 

Submitted by onemorething on

Hi Di, thanks for reading it. I'm not going to delete it, just might tinker with at least one of the repeating lines. I also dislike the line about honour and dishonour. I think it's because when I was writing it in free verse, it worked for me in that context and links to the next line, but I don't think it works in this - jarring. Ha. Thank you too - Keats, indeed. It did feel a little like that writing about asphodel! Rachel :)

 

Submitted by marandina on

"I might oversee life in monotonous bliss" - something for us all to aspire too :)

 

Submitted by onemorething on

Ha ha. Yes. :)

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

I've never heard of a pantoum, it sounds quite demanding. Like you I prefer free flowing poetry where there are no rules, just an imagination.

I feel the mood of the this poem, the inocence of childhood you describe, how as young we do not think about death, yet as we get older it seems to be all around us, especially given the covid times we're living in. 

Inspiring as always Rachel, and one poem I feel a connection with at present.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by onemorething on

Hi Jenny, I agree, I'm not sure adhering to a specific structure is for me. Always interesting to experiment though, and with these I think everything depends on the lines that you repeat - they either add something or they don't. It made my brain hurt too much. And yes, it really struck me when I was writing this, I was trying to remember when I realised what death meant and it was hard to work out just when that was, particularly as it's a profound difference to not having a consciousness of it. And yes, we are all a little too aware at the moment. Thank you for reading it. :)