Larry and Mick go to Neverland

1.

“Second star to the right and straight on til morning,” said Officer Darling.

“But do you have a postcode?,” said Larry.

The police officer gave Larry a “look.”

“She wasn’t very helpful,” said Larry, as they drove off.

“Postcode probably would have led us to a ditch somewhere anyway,” said Mick.

“Truth,” said Larry.

2.

The Second Star turned out to be a pub… on the left.

“Probably Officer Darling’s ‘right’,” said Mick.

“‘Officer Darling’?,” queried Larry.

“Didn’t you see her name badge?,” said Mick.

“Weird name,” said Larry.

“We’re going to Neverland,” said Mick, with a shrug.

“Stop shrugging and drive,” said Larry.

3.

After they had stopped for a Pot of Chamomile Tea for Two and a Slice of Battenburg each at the Second Star, they got back in the car and had a bit of a think.

The Second Star was at a crossroads.

“Which way now?,” said Larry.

“‘Straight on til morning’,” said Mick.

“What in the name of J.M. Barrie does that mean?,” said Larry.

Mick pointed… by the side of the road, at the ‘straight on’ option, there was a sign. Morning - it said.

“What are we waiting for?,” said Larry.

“Think happy thoughts,” said Mick, as he revved up the car and sprinkled pixie dust on the engine (metaphorically of course…).

4.

Eventually they arrived at The Mermaid’s Lagoon - another pub.

“Is Neverland just a load of pubs?,” said Larry.

“Um… I don’t think so…” said Mick, as he pointed up at some children flying in the sky.

“I need me some grog,” said Larry - and they entered The Mermaid’s Lagoon.

Standing by the bar, looking morose and nursing what appeared to be a flagon of mead, was a piratey looking fellow with a hook for a hand.

“Watcha,” said that fellow, as Larry and Mick approached.

“What kind of pirate-speak is that?,” said Larry.

“Waddya mean?,” said the piratey looking fellow.

“You’re Captain Hook, aren’t you?,” said Larry.

“Oh I can see why you would think that,” said the piratey looking fellow. “Nah I’m just on me stag do… or was.”

“But what about…?,” said Mick, indicating the piratey looking fellow’s hook.

The piratey looking fellow removed the false hook and wiggled his fingers.

“What do you mean, ‘was’?,” said Mick.

“Was what?”

“You was… um… were… on your stag do…”

“I lost them.”

“Lost who?”

“My boys… I lost them.”

Larry and Mick exchanged a look of some significance.

“So…” said Larry; “you lost your boys… where?”

“I dunno… The Jolly Roger? The Neverbird Nest? The Marooner’s Rock?”

“Are they all pubs?,” asked Mick.

“Nah,” said the piratey looking fellow; “The Jolly Roger is a pirate ship.”

“Of course it is,” said Larry.

5.

After a few pints of Kidd’s Creek (a local ale), the three of them set off.

“Thanks for helping me look for my lost boys,” said the piratey looking fellow.

“No probs,” said Mick. “What’s your name, by the way?”

“Peter.”

“Pan?”

“Do I look like a Peter Pan?”

Mick shrugged.

“Just be careful round here,” said Peter. “Keep your eyes open for the…”

“Flying children?,” said Larry.

“Are you on drugs?,” said Peter. “No, the crocodiles. They’ll have your hand off as soon as you can say, ‘tick tock’.”

“Rightey-ho, matey,” said Larry and Mick in unison.

“Are you two taking the piss?,” said Peter.

“Sorry…” said Larry.

“… it’s the Kidd’s Creek,” said Mick.

“Hmph,” said Peter, and off they went.

6.

“That’s a very small house,” said Larry, pointing to a very small house by the side of the road.

“It’s Wendy’s,” said Peter. “She’s a bit bonkers; keep walking…”

“Waddya mean?,” said Mick.

“Let’s just say she’s never grown up. She thinks she’s living in some kind of magical land or something.“

“We are in Neverland…” Larry pointed out.

“What’s your point?,” said Peter.

“Nevermind,” said Larry.

“Neverland, not Nevermind,” said Peter.

“Good album, though,” said Mick.

Larry and Peter gave Mick a look.

“Peeeeeeeeterrr!!!,” said the fully grown woman who was dressed like a girl from a Classic Children’s Story, as she came bounding (and skipping and frolicking) out of the very small house.

“(Keep walking…),” said Peter.

“Oh Peter, it is you!,” said Wendy (for ‘twas she).

“Hello, Wendy,” said Peter, as he reluctantly came to a halt.

“Peter, my darling boy, how awfully splendid to see you after all this time!”

“I’m 38 years old and I saw you yesterday.”

“Oh but Peter, it feels like an absolute age since I last clapped eyes ‘pon your beautiful face!”

“If you say so.”

“And why, pray tell, are you dressed like one of those awful pirate folk?”

“You know why, Wendy - I’m marrying Tink in the morning.”

“Oh don’t remind me of that flighty filly and her beastly embonpoint!”

“She doesn’t have a beastly embonpoint.”

“Do you even know what an embonpoint is?”

Peter looked over at Larry and Mick, who were frantically googling on a phone. They showed Peter…

[ Embonpoint (noun): the plump or fleshy part of a person's body, in particular a woman's bosom. ]

“Not ‘beastly’…” confirmed Peter.

“Oh Peter, my precious angel, please come inside and share some tea with me!”

“Sorry-gotta-go-gotta-find-the-lost-boys…”

“The lost boys? You mean…?”

“Not what you think… bye…”

“Peeeeeeeeterrr!!!,” called Wendy, as Peter and a rather bemused Larry and Mick swiftly departed around the corner and out of Wendy’s sight.

7.

The Ticking Crocodile - said the sign on the pub, outside which the lost boys were singing (in a manner of speaking) and downing the grog.

“There you are, mate!,” said one of them to Peter. “Where ya been?”

“I got lost,” said Peter.

“Well you’re here now,” said that lost boy; “let’s get you totally rat-arsed, so you’re in no fit state to marry Ms Bell.”

“Actually I’m pretty tired; I think I’ll go to bed.”

Peter went to bed and Larry and Mick left Neverland.

“That was weird,” said Larry.

“Truth,” said Mick.

And that was that.

EPILOGUE

“Did you see any crocodiles?,” said Larry, over a game of tiddlywinks.

“Nope,” said Mick.

“Pirates?”

“Not real ones.”

“Mermaids?”

“Not that I recall.”

“Probably best we don’t mention the flying children.”

“Probably best.”

[ fin ]