Think I'd Better Start Again (Talking Head)

God sitting in his control room with a bank of CCTV screens in front of him. Long white beard and a pained expression, spills his tea, curses, and mops it up with a Kleenex. Looks up to camera.

Took my eye off them for a minute and came back to absolute mayhem. What the hell's happened since my last visit I don't know, but I'm having problems getting my head around this mess.

Gave them everything they needed to establish the perfect world. I mean, what more could I do? A stable atmosphere on a perfectly placed planet. Just the right distance from a sun. A moon creating just the right amount of gravity to keep everything where it should be. Gave them good air to breathe, pure water to drink and the wherewithal to provide for themselves for ever. Put one of each down there to get things moving and went on to the next job. Feeling pretty pleased with myself I was too. Spot on, I thought. Job done. And then I came back to this. Couldn't believe it. What a bloody mess!

Pause

Just finished running through the videos, trying to put my finger on where it all went wrong. Thought I'd found the problem in the early eighteen hundreds; lots of inventing going on, all over the place. Machines that could do this and machines that could do that. Started a ball rolling by the looks of it. Got very quickly out of control.

Couldn't believe how busy those first two had been though, while I was away. Millions now, by the look of it. Bit of a shock that. Didn't expect so much begetting so soon. Think I'd better make a note, before the same thing happens on all my other creations. Could turn out to be a serious problem.

Note to self: rethink begetting.

Pause

I've been mulling it over and I think I know where I went wrong. It was the fail-safe I built in. Hasn't quite worked. Natural selection was supposed to keep a good balance if ever it got a bit overcrowded. Doesn't seem to have worked though. They seem to have been helping it along a bit by slaughtering each other. Seems to be a pattern to it too. Religion they've called it. Slaughtering and begetting, slaughtering and begetting. All over my beautiful planet. Some of those tapes were unbelievable. How did I get this so wrong.

Note to self: rethink slaughtering and begetting.

Pause

Think I jumped the gun a bit here. Just spent an eternity going through the tapes. Right back to the beginning. I know it sounds like overkill, but I like to be thorough. Pretty boring to start with, I'll tell you, but the perfect world I left them with started to go tits up sooner than I thought. This religion thing they've created seems pretty weird to me. So many versions it makes you dizzy. Every one of them claiming to be the only truth. So much intransigence. So much hatred. So much hypocrisy.

Note to self: rethink religion; and come to think of it, rethink truth too.

Pause

I must need a holiday. Spent so much time watching the tapes I nearly missed the biggest problem of all: my beautiful world. What the hell have they done to it? Don't they know what a piece of perfectly balanced genius it is. It was only when I really zoomed in that I actually saw the extent of the damage. The time I took to get the balance just right. The efforts I made to put all the right elements in place. All they needed to do was make good use of it all and then just enjoy it. What a mess. Poles melting, sea levels rising, pollution at unthinkable levels. Not happy with this at all. Not happy.

Note to self: cheer up a bit.

Haven't had such a good laugh for at least a couple of eons. Cheered me up no end. I was just flicking through the WTF tapes section and came across him. Orange hair he had and every word he spoke was a lie. Voted into the most powerful position on my beautiful planet. Did more damage to it than the rest of 'em put together since my last visit. If they vote for someone like that to lead them, this job's more critical than I first thought.

Note to self: rethink orange hair.

Pause

Right, that's it; sorted. Looked through my notes and rerun the tapes for a second time. All I need to do is correct the failings I've identified in the population and we should be OK. Back on track. Made a list here of the main culprits. I'll read it to you if you like: envy, gluttony, greed,, pride, sloth, and wrath. I did give some thought to religion and truth and even had a close look a begatting. Came to the conclusion that they'll take care of
themselves if I just eradicate the seven on the list. Deadly sins I've named them. The damage they've done so far has really shocked me, so I've decided I need to look in a bit more often. Scale down my hopes a little. Reevaluate.

Pause

Didn't think it would be much of a problem, but I'm not so sure now. Had a really in depth look at the consequences of just removing the seven deadlies, but when I thought it all the way through I realised it wouldn't actually work.

You see, if I remove them, then what's actually left? Well not so much is the answer. Certainly not enough to successfully create a people that will achieve what was originally intended. To cherish what I created for them and live peacefully side by side in a sustainable way. No, I'm now absolutely convinced that there's only one way forward. I'll give 'em a bit longer, just so they can make a complete dog's breakfast of it and then I'll just have to start all over again. Shame, but then perhaps trying to do the job in just seven days was a bit misguided in the first place.

Note to self: slow down a bit, you're not getting any younger.