Honestly, I've got a Great Netflix Recommendation for You

Well I was just sitting at home here not doing much on a Monday so I clicked onto Netflix (in spite of myself), on something you’ve definitely not seen, it’s not one of the flat outright popular things, man you have do to some clicking, searching and scrolling to get there, you gotta let the cursor linger on that panning arrow, linger, linger and linger a bit more, and so I’m just getting past the first few seconds, and I’m tolerating it, there can be no doubt there’s a tolerance building, I don’t feel put-off, disgusted, irritated, or just plain angry, I don’t feel like I have to shut off the programme window right here and now, and then I’m letting it run a little more, and by the way -- you know how much trouble I have finding stuff, don’t we all, sure, I’m not just going to settle into ‘The Queen’s Gambit’ or ‘The Crown’, that would be far too easy -- and so with this new serial I’m watching, it’s not like the opening is scintillating, or even mildly gripping by any means, it’s still kind of kitsch like all these things tend to be, it suffers from the affliction of being American, inauthentic and fake, which, as you know, is the reason I tend to go for the documentary vibe because I just can’t stand these things that are false and riddled with artifice, I mean you do just have to force yourself to watch them in spite of all that, I just don’t understand how people do it, in any case what I was watching just now was all of this and yet, and yet it felt eminently bearable, I did not pick up my phone once, well I might have done once, but the point is I was a good few seconds past the first minute and I don’t know when it sunk in but I realised this was a keeper: I’VE GOT A KEEPER BOYS, and so of course, naturally, my first instinct was to tell you what it is.

I know it’s early days, but I know a keeper when I see one. Mark my words.

But now I’m suddenly thinking, and I feel a bit lost and confused really, I’m realising that I’ve told you so many times about things that I’ve liked, so many times, and it just hit me that you probably haven’t paid attention to any of it. It’s all of a sudden becoming clear you’ve never listened. And the prospect that you, and no one, really gives two hoots about what I think is really good viewing really hurts, it really needles, I’m not joking, but the degree to which I feel hurt because I’ve now realised that no one ever cared what I thought about anything is quite acute, because this goes as far as any album I’ve ever talked about ever, about anything I ever said about Randy Newman which you just nodded your head to, well this realisation is terrifying, and then I just thought, well, why bother, I’m never going to bother again which is why I’m not going to tell you the name of it. Period. There is really no point. It’s not even on Netflix by the way, but who actually says Now TV when Netflix has become the generic identifier, the sobriquet for all streaming channels, can you imagine someone saying: I found this great show on Hayu, Linda, what the fuck!, now and then you might get someone saying Amazon, but would you say Prime or just Amazon or even Amazon Video, five really awkward syllables, the issue is thorny to say the least. My show, this show I’m talking about is on Now TV and not Netflix. Let me be clear about that. You won’t find it on Netflix, you won’t be able to see it on Netflix, Netflix won’t help you one iota here.

And now I realise, I see the sheer protracted length of that process, from the initial recommendation to that person actually seeing the show and then reporting back to you that they saw it, that process is the most ridiculously drawn-out and fragile process you could ever think of, think; well first you have to tell them, then they have to actually be listening, which they won’t be as most people never listen to anything anyone tells them, then, if they are listening, they have to remember it, or let’s say you WhatsApp’d it, and the person has the name right there in front of them on their phone, then they have to bother to google it, that googling is itself hinged on them having a Serial Window, i.e, not being in the middle of something else right then and there, chances of which are small, since people are always box-setting something, I reckon the chances are about 35%, then they’ve got to have the streaming service subscribed to be able to watch it (50%), in this case you’re not going to have Now TV, no one has it (15%), then they’ve got to not give up half way if they actually get to the stage where they start typing it into the search box on the streaming site (and as I already told you, it has to be searched for, it doesn’t come up on the main screen), so many things can happen when they’re typing it in, they can come across another thing for instance, like say they’re typing ‘S’ ‘e’, these letters are purely incidental and just as an example, well ‘Sex and the City’ might come up and they might get waylaid, and then the harsher of truths, that when you know I’ve recommended it, even though you’ve come this far, be honest, you’re already against it, you might not be overtly conscious of this, but think about it, are you really coming to my recommendation with a clean slate, are you going to maintain you’re neutral, no, you’ll find the slightest thing within the first second to make you turn it off, you’re closed because it’s me, you’re not open, you don’t want to be recommended to, just as I don’t want to either.

So I saw how long and arduous this process is, and I realised there’s no point. I won’t bother you ever again with my bullshit recommendations. If you really want to know what the show is, then I figure you’ll come to me, and if you do, I’ll tell you with the greatest will in the world, with a joyous and open heart. But until then, live well my friend, stay safe, and wallow in your own bullshit-retarded Netflix series.

*By the way, did you ever actually watch ‘Twin Peaks, The Return’ after the number of times I went on about it?