From Jester To King XCIV

-Mum?

-Hey, is that you Steven?

-Hi Mum. It is indeed your son your one and only.

-Where are you?

-I’m in Folkestone!

-Hold on I gotto turn the oven down hold on ok?

-I’m holding.

-Where are you?

-England Mum, you know that place where I live. But I’m going to come, thought it would be best.

-You are? Oh good.

-Just for a few days.

-Are you ok?

-Why should I not be ok?

-You never call.

-I call. Well there is something. Apparently I have cancer.

-Cancer? Huh? How do you have cancer?

-How? The rogue genetic mutation of one cell coalescing in a tumour, slowly engorging healthy cells. Errors in mitosis, read it about the other day on the word wild web. Wait I suppose that’s more what than how. How…

-Steven are you sure? You’re too young.

-I had a biopsy, I’ve had the biopsy and I’ve got the results in front of me now on a nice piece of paper attached to the consultant’s letter.

-You had a biopsy?

-Shoved a tube up my ass Mum!

-Is it in your you know?

-It’s my prostate mum not my bottom but they have to go up your bottom, it produces semen amongst other things.

-Oh my.

-They said I should probably be ok they just need to monitor it for the moment. I thought I should tell you.

-Oh Steven.

-So I’m arriving on Wednesday, and I fly back on Monday. We’ll talk then.

-Ok

-It’s on Thursday right?

-Is everyone going to be there? Cheryl? Denise?

-Yes sure they’re all coming. Cheryl is here right now. I don’t know what to say.

-…

-Steven?

-Mum, we’ll talk when I get there.

But I do really have cancer. And when they did the biopsy the nurse was this little gay Filipino guy and they shove this thing up your arse and it cuts bits away as they thrust it up further and obviously I was really uncomfortable and scared and in order to try to pacify and soothe me he, the Filipino nurse, kept taking my hand and stroking it and saying ‘don’t worry mister’ which was exactly what I did not want him to do to the point where I had to ask him if he wouldn’t mind refraining from stroking me at which juncture I try to give him my most appreciative and grateful of smiles to try to show him that the sentiment hadn’t gone abegging but it ended up coming out at the very point of a further thrust which itself engendered a serious grimace so the gratitude face wasn’t made and I don’t know if he ever knew what I was trying to get over. Honestly, I was kind of relieved when they found something because to have to go through all that procedure for nothing would have been a waste.