Escaped

I finally found security and what did I do? I fucking pushed it
away. I finally felt a tiny flicker of happiness and I let it slip
away. In fact I made it slip away. And for what? To proove my
independence? To proove that im not an easy-to-fool, young, na?ve girl?
But that's where the problem lies. I am dependant on him, I am na?ve
especially, and now I've easliy been fooled into a false sense of
security. I fooled myself thinking that everythings okay now, coz im as
dependant on him as he is on me. But it doesn't work like that. I can't
trust him. I am too insecure to ever be able to trust anyone but
myself. I will forever remain routed to the same pathetic spot, with my
barriers up, NEVER letting anyone get close to me. As soon as I feel
satisfied with security: up go my guards, my defence and I push him and
anyone else away. I hate myself at this point, so muc, that I want to
bang my head so hard on a floor of concrete until the relieving feeling
of blood pouring out of me is felt. Until I am numb, until I have
escaped him; escaped reality. Comotosed myself so that I do not hav to
live like this anymore. I hate myself. I hate me. I hate the way my
head is so fucked up. I hate the way im such an insecure, greedy,
malevolent, insolent, young, na?ve, little girl.