Who Knew?
By Sorraya
- 1471 reads
I remember the day I found out, it felt like I'd been punched really hard in the stomach. I can’t remember why, but something compelled me to check his phone.The next thing I know I’m scrolling through his text messages, something totally out of character for me. Unfortunately for him, I knew the code to unlock his phone, he clearly underestimated my intelligence. My husband spoke three languages and tried to disguise her identity and their text messages in a different language. The translation app enabled me to read all their text messages, as I kept scrolling it all just felt so surreal. I felt like a voyeur looking in on someone else's life, I could only stand there in disbelief totally heart broken. I do often wonder why he hadn’t deleted them all and any evidence of an affair. Maybe he wanted to get found out? The biggest shock came when I realised it was someone I knew. It’s funny how you start to piece together snippets of conversation or a look she might have given him. I remember some time ago when we were at a party, how flirtatious she was towards him. When I think back, I did make a passing comment to him that I thought she fancied him. My God, why did I turn a blind eye? Then again it does take two to tango, he was complicit as well. He gave up his moral compass and threw himself at her. That two faced bitch and him will get their comeuppance one day. There I was in the early hours of the morning standing over our marital bed, watching as his chest rose with each breath he took. I noticed how peaceful he looked as he slept, yet at the same time my hatred for him intensified. I think I was more overwhelmed at how brilliant he was at lying, he hid his tracks well. How naive I was to think we had a strong marriage, I was such an idiot. It’s the most bizarre feeling in the world discovering someone you trust implicitly has been unfaithful, especially with someone you know. I spent most of the day recalling conversations, behaviours, anything just to fathom why he would do this as we were happy, or so I thought. I let my mind drift and started to think about her, and how she had stood in front of me so many times, with him by my side knowing she was sleeping with my husband behind my back, making a mockery of me. I recall one time how she confessed she’d started seeing someone, and how serious the relationship was becoming. I hate her, knowing that all along it was my fucking husband she was referring to, that bitch. They say time is a healer, but I can honestly say that to this day I still have the occasional flashback. For so long I blamed myself, until one day I thought to myself fuck it! I’m the injured party, I’m the wounded soul. I must keep reminding myself that I didn't do anything wrong. If there’s anything I was guilty of it was being too loving and caring. Maybe he just didn’t find me attractive anymore, maybe I’m too boring. There I go again, blaming myself for all this, yet I am the one who was left hurt and bereft. My brain takes me to that dark place again, and I find myself wondering why? My pursuit of finding reasoning behind everything consumes me. I’m quite a logical person by nature, so none of this makes any sense whatsoever, why did this happen to me?
Once I eventually confronted him and he admitted everything, I never reacted straight away. Instead I threw myself into reading lots of self help books. Whoever assumes having letters after your name qualifies them to write a book claiming to fix broken, wounded people like me are full of bullshit. They all churn out the same crap. In reality all you want to do scream as loud as you can from the top of a very high mountain. The fact remains that you never really know how you will react to a situation until you're actually experiencing it. I came to realise quite abruptly that you never really know anyone, not ever. I surrounded myself with people vying for sympathy and comfort, as any injured party would do. Of course they all thought I should have divorced him, believing I would profit financially as my husband is quite well off, as I was the injured party after all. However I had other plans, seeking vengeance for his actions was all I had left, and in truth that’s what kept me going.
So here I am thirty seven years later, sitting on the edge of his hospital bed watching him slowly dying, watching each breath he takes. I’ve played the part of the loving dutiful wife for far too long, and to my credit I did it well. He begged me not to divorce him, so I did. Hell would have to freeze over before I forgave him for humiliating and deceiving me. Putting an act on and playing the part of someone in love was easier than expected, it seemed I had inadvertently developed the skill of lying just as well as my husband. Deep down I hated him, there were times I couldn't even look him in the eye. My only wish was that one day he would suffer the same way he made me suffer. The saying "be careful what you wish for" is so true after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was discovered too late, there was nothing they could do for him as it was spreading fast. He was transferred to a hospice for the short time he had left. It's ironic really that I was the only person he had left in the entire world, no other family to mention. His estate was in order, I'd get it all. I like to think of it as recompense for thirty-seven years of tolerating him for so long. I do often wonder to myself, who else knew?
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Comments
Intense and emotional read,
Intense and emotional read, well-written
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Thank you Stephen. Actually,
Oops.
I posted a comment here by mistake. I thought I was on another thread. Is there a red faced emoji anywhere?
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A raw emotional ride with the
A raw emotional ride with the insight to her feelings and her solution. It is very well written and draws the reader in right to the ending- I found it to be somewhat Edgar Allen Poe like in its dark turn of events -her decision to live the lie for vengence and to watch him die. I found myself ithinking how I would have walked away when I'd learned of his affair, and I wouldn't have looked back, not once- after all, we're lone souls anyway and life is a journey to find our true selves- other's cannot give us happiness and vengence definitely wont promote self happiness..but that's just my thoughts.
This was a very thought provoking read- thanks for sharing.
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