Chapter One- needs grammar
By TiniMiniPigi
- 226 reads
Hey! First post on here, I have no idea if I can post work in progress here. It's been months since I made the acount, I want to post a story I'm working on. I need motivation to keep going, I keep telling myself no one will want to read this. Maybe they won't but I need to try. So, here's chapter one, it's still very much in progress. But if anyone has any positive feedback, and contstructive criticism I would appreciate it. Rough draft of Chapter one copied and pasted below.
The pounding on the front door woke the town doctor late that night, the frenzied shouts of a panicked new father rang through the air.
“Doctor! Doctor! She’s in labor, Nora’s having the baby!”
Doctor Gene Michaels let out a weary sigh as he pulled himself up in bed, hand reaching out for his spectacles with the casual motions of a man used to late night guests. Rising to his feet he pulled his cloak down from it’s hook, hanging it over his arm he walked down the stairs, quickening his pace as the frantic knocking continued.
Opening his door he stepped aside to let the giant rain and mud soaked man in, lamenting the destruction of his entryway carpet as he did. Daniel Alexie, the town blacksmith, stood dripping in the doctor's front hall, a strong ox of a man he dwarfed the aged doctor with ease, his usual ruddy complexion had been drained of color, fear and panic making him look almost like a ghost in the dim lamp light. The Doctor couldn’t help but laugh as he clapped the smith on the shoulder comfortingly.
“Relax my son! Nora is a strong woman, it’s been an easy pregnancy for her, she’s plenty healthy. Let me wake my apprentice and we can all head there together, you should be less worried, this is a reason to celebrate! You’re going to be a father! Her sister is there with her?” Daniel nodded his mop of thick black hair sprinkling droplets of rain everywhere. Doctor Michaels continued, “Why don’t you warm yourself by the fire? I’ll be right back.” The doctor turned and walked down the hall towards his apprentices bedroom, shaking his head at the younger man's panic, thirty years of healing and without fail, new fathers would show up at his house, office, wherever he could be found, making all sorts of noise, even the calmest individual acting like a mad man at the sight of their wife in labor. Not that he had been any better, thirty years and he hadn’t lost a patient yet, you’d think his track record would have helped calm them at least a little. Smile on his face the doctor woke his apprentice, rapping on the thin door with firm, sure knocks. His bleary eyed apprentice opened the door, hair standing up like straws on top of his head, instructing him to dress himself and prepare the cart and stock his bag with everything needed for a birth, tonight would be his first night accompanying him on a major healing. The apprentice bounded off with a whoop, tripping over his own feet like a human colt, pants undone and shoes forgotten, shaking his head the doctor could only hope he remembered them before stepping out into the muck.
When Doctor Michaels returned to the living room the blacksmith had managed to regain some of his lost color, chapped cheeks now a lively pink, rather than their previous gaunt white. Dwarfed in the blacksmith’s shaking hands was a small cup of chamomile tea, the doctor made a mental note to thank his housekeeper Angela for her hospitality, even late in the night, around the the blacksmith he saw more hints of her subtle care, a damp towel hung over by the fire next to a large pair of boots and a dripping rain cloak. As the doctor approached the smith stood, tea sloshing in the tiny cup, teetering on the verge of spilling, eyes widening once again panic pooling in his iron grey eyes. Doctor Michaels answered the question lingering in the air before it was asked.
“Johnathan is preparing the carriage, once it’s ready we’ll be on our way to Nora, its should only be a few moments. You came as soon as she began contracting?” The large man nodded, throat too dry to speak, the doctor stepped forward, clasping the smiths rough hands in his own soft ones, steadying their shaking (and saving his china from an unnecessary fall in the process.) “Drink some tea young man, I didn’t see a horse so I assume you’re still fairly tired from walking, or running, the two miles here.” The blacksmith lifted the cup to his lips, tossing it back in a single gulp.
“Thanks doc.” The smith growled, rueful grin tilting the corners of his mouth up into a slight anxious smile. “I know we’ve had a plan for awhile, but when Nor’ started screaming…” The big man’s voice trailed off, hands combing wildly through his still damp hair. “I couldn’t do nothing for her, she was in pain.” His eyes darkened with concern as he looked at the doctor.
“I understand” The doctor said, heart full as he watched the soon to be father, their towns black smith was a good, beloved man, he made a good husband to his wife, and he would make a good father to his child. Companionable silence filled the room as they waited, warming their hearts as the fire warmed their bodies.
Less than ten minutes later the young apprentice rushed down the hallway, stopping at the entry of the living room, the doctor noted with relief that he had managed to button his trousers and lace boots onto his feet, even if they were on the wrong ones, the apprentice rocked on the balls of his feet, his excitement so noticeable it felt palpable.
“Carriage is ready! Doc! Sir!” His voice cracking, a young man on the verge of adulthood, his blue eyes were no longer bleary, and they flicked excitedly between the two older men, ready to turn and go at a moments notice. The Doctor turned to the blacksmith, large grin on his face, green eyes sparkling with mirth as he watched the smith begin panicking again.
“Let’s go my boy, we have a baby to deliver!” The young apprentice whooped, turning to race ahead and out to the cart as the older men followed behind.
As the cart rolled through the streets, thunder rumbling and lightning cracking over head, cold rain pouring down over the three men in the carriage, dripping down their woolen cloaks in thick icy droplets. The lightning broke the darkness at irregular intervals branching across the sky in electric frenzy, the men’s shadows would stretch out across the road and into the trees, disappearing with the light, as if they’d never been there at all. The gentle splash of the large cart horses hooves clipped against the pavement at regular intervals, steadying hearts and creating a shield of calm from the wildness of the storm.
“Have you and Nora settled on a name yet?” Doctor Michaels asked, voice rising above the desolate rumbles of thunder in the distance. The smiths large head shot up from it’s dozing position, smiling wide.
“Of course Doc, Theo if it’s a boy, and Nyssa for a girl, Nora and her sister are sure it’s a girl, I’m not as convinced. Of course, we’ll love him or her with all our hearts, children are a blessing after all.” The doctor smiled, swallowing past the lump that was suddenly making it hard to breathe.
“That they are my friend, that they are.” His tone was wistful, lost in memories of a time that felt so long ago. The blacksmith looked at the older man concerned, he rested a large hand on the doctors shoulder.
“How old would he have been doc?” The black smith asked, voice so quiet that it could only be heard by the two of them alone in the back.
“He would have been 15 this past harvest season, his mother and I would have celebrated 20 years of marriage this year as well.” The doctor coughed, blinking back unwanted tears, pushing on and pushing past the bittersweet pang in his chest “Please, don’t let me bring unwanted shadows over this night, this is your happy day after all. My loss is no reason to cloud your gain.” The blacksmith leaned back onto the cart bench with one final squeeze of the doctors shoulder. No more words were needed between the two of them, and the rest of the trip passed in silence, the blacksmith overwhelmed with anxious hope for his family's future, and the doctor rested for the task ahead, visions of a cherub faced young child held close in his mother's arms danced just out of reach in the doctors memory.
The Doctor estimated a quarter of an hour had passed when the cart reached the blacksmiths home, rose bushes spilled over the small fence bordering the little wooden cottage. For just one moment everything around them was deceptively quiet, as the men unboarded the cart it seemed like the universe itself was breathing in with them at that moment. the still silence was broken as a thin wail broke through the thick storm, reaching them, pushing them into action and pulling them forward like the sweet song of a siren.
“Place Charlie in with Mr. Alexie’s horses,” the doctor instructed his apprentice, turning to look at the blacksmith he asked “They’ll behave themselves?” The large man nodded slowly his adam’s apple bobbing with a dry swallow, color draining from his cheeks. The aged doctor shivered in the storm, rain starting to sleep through his thick woolen cloak, the ache in his joints doubling as the chill sank into them. The young apprentice rushed to his task, stomping around in the muck with energy known only to the youthful, the doctor made a note to replenish cold supply potions for the inevitability that was his apprentices cold, turning to grasp the smiths meaty forearm the doctor began to coax and drag the large man up the weaving path through the garden to his front door, grumbling with good humor about the absurdity of the situation, he a small old man dragging a veritable giant of a man through his own garden, how preposterous their image must have seemed, and how he hoped no one caught them in such a moment or the townsfolk would begin to come to him to mend their weapons and plows! The blacksmith taking cue from the older mans words began to pick up his feet, straightening his shoulders, though the cords of his muscles still stood out on his arm, tight with tension.
The blacksmith stopped so abruptly in front of the door that the doctor nearly walked into him, unable to see well through his rain soaked spectacles he looked upward, barely able to make out the frown on the big mans face, the smiths breath coming out of his nose in quick puffs of steam.
“Breathe young man, tonight will be a good night, one you’ll want to remember forever, you won’t be able to do that if you pass out.” His tone was firm and soothing, loud enough to be heard above the storm and quiet enough that it’s melodic comfort was known only to the big man next to him on the stoop.
“What if I fail?” The blacksmiths hearty growl felt unusually frail and a discordant tremor undercoursed his words. “What if I let them down? What if I’m not a good enough father? I can barely handle this now and the child isn’t even born yet! I’m a complete disaster!”
“You’re a good man, you and your wife love each other and will love and care for this child with everything you have. It’s natural for a man to be worried on the night of his child’s birth, I’ve seen many men handle it 1000 times worse than you are now. Now take a breath, Nora will need you strong and steady tonight, you have nothing to fear from your future, as far as I see, it looks very bright.” The smith nodded, the lines of his frown easing into grim resolution, chest expanding like the bellows of his forge as he drew in a deep breath, before he could even exhale the thick wooden door burst open, flooding light out onto the stoop and drenching the two men in its golden warmth. A tall women, beady blue eyes crackling with fury, stared at them over the bridge of her beak like nose, her fingers digging into her hips where they rested, curly hair frizzed out in a grey halo around her angled face.
“Where have you been!?” She shrieked, her shrill tone drawing unwanted parallels to harpies in the doctors mind.
“Nice to see you again, Natalie, how’s your sister faring?” The doctors tone was dry as he looked over his rain spotted spectacles, thin grey eyebrows raised in an unspoken challenge. The tall thin woman’s trembling shoulders slumped as the rage coiled in her chest dissipated with an outward sigh, concern smoothing the lines from the corners of her eyes, finding new home around the her thin lips as they frowned.
“She’s as fine as can be expected, she’s moving along quicker than wed hoped, she’s set up by the fire, sorry about the welcome, tensions are..” Natalie was cut off by the shrill cry of her younger sister, the sound coming from deeper within the small home. The large Smith shouldered past the older woman, sure steps moving back into his home, intent on helping his wife in her time of her need.
“You should really be kinder to him,” the doctor said, chastising the aging spinster as he stepped into the warm hall. Handing his rain soaked cloak to Natalie he removed his boots, pounds heavier from their newly added layers of mud. The doctor continued, tone firm but kind, “That man would do anything for your sister, I know you know that.” The woman let out a tired sigh, her thin lips loosening into a frown.
“It’s hard to let go of the past, he was such a rebellious young man, I remember how he was with the ladies, galavanting all over town with his damn familiar, always some new tramp on his arm. He caused such scandals.” The spinsters words were hushed and sharp. Natalie’s thin shoulders quivered with tension, and her frizzy hair seemed to let out sparks of indignation as if every scorned woman was her own child.
“Yes,” the doctor began agreeably “young Daniel was quite the hellion in his day, but,” he said looking over his spectacles at Natalie, “all that changed when your sister returned from finishing school, she swept him away, I’ve never seen a man so enraptured so quickly.” The doctor rushed on as Natalie’s mouth began to twitch, unspoken words prodding at the inside of her mouth, “he’s grown now and he provides well for your sister and he’ll provide well for your niece or nephew.” The woman’s head dropped, wry smile crossing her features, warming them slowly.
“Niece,” she said quietly her shoulders relaxing as warmth bloomed in her chest, “We’re sure it’ll be a girl.”
“Well.” The doctor said as they began walking toward the living area, “why don’t we find out?”
Dawn broke that morning to the shrill cry of a newborn baby. The proud father knelt beside his tired wife, tears sparkling in his blue eyes, wonder and awe making his face glow in the dim morning light.
“We did it Nor’ you did it,” the blacksmiths throaty growl was choked and softer than it had ever been, so full of emotion that it began to overflow and pour down his cheeks in the form of happy tears. His small wife, dwarfed by the giant pile of furs, blankets and pillows she lay on let out a shuddering gasp as tears of joy and happiness spilled down her cheeks, mixing with the sheen of sweat that shone on her face in the dying fire light.
“Is she okay?” Nora’s voice was hoarse and trembling, eager even in its exhaustion. The doctors lips curled up in knowledgeable amusement as he examined the newborn in his arms, smiling tenderly at the new mother he handed the babe over to Natalie for swaddling before answering.
“Yes my child, the babe has all the fingers and toes you’d expect.” The doctor watched as the aunt bustled over the child cooing gently, her throat choked up with emotion, shoulders quivering as her back turned away, cleaning the child and wrapping him warmly in a fresh cloth. The doctor turned to his final task of the birth, where the more mundane magic lied. With a quiet beckon he motioned his apprentice to observe as he began to weave Nora’s life force together, healing and soothing wounds as he found them, as he settled into his pace he chuckled glancing up at the tired woman whose face was relaxing as he healed. “Though” he began as Natalie started to walk back over with the child “I’m afraid you were wrong about the gender” he smiled at the light burning in her soft grey eyes, widening as the bundle settled into her arms, the runes of protection glistening a dim blue in the light of the dying embers.
“A boy..” the couple breathed in unison the smiles on their faces shone as bright as the sun, the room thrumming with the most mysterious power of all: love. Natalie rested a thin hand on each of their shoulders smiling down at her sister’s husband, her brother in law, the bigger man broke his gaze away from his child for a moment, eyes widening as he looked at the older woman, her eyes shot over for only a moment to the doctor who nodded encouragingly at the spinster, urging her on. The spinster nodded at Daniel tears threatening to fall from her steel blue eyes.
“You will make a good father, you will raise him right, you treat my sister well and I know you’ll continue to do so for both of them.” Natalie’s voice was gentle, chiding and self righteous, but with more kindness than she’d shown before to th
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Welcome to ABCtales Tini -
Welcome to ABCtales Tini - yes of course you/re welcome to post work in progress here. This is a very readable first draft. Your characters are well drawn and shaping into believable people, and there's lots of great description and authentic dialogue. There are quite a few typos, so you might want to ask a friend to read through it, and it might be clearer if you mention magic earlier than it is now, as I wasn't sure until then. Hope you post more soon!
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