Alfie Shoyger

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I have 111 stories published in 3 collections on the site.
My stories have been read 18036 times and 63 of my stories have been cherry picked.
11 of my 217 comments have been voted Great Feedback with a total of 14 votes

Alfie Shoyger's picture

Terrible, disgusting extremist who doesn't get all of his opinions from the Guardian.

 

 

First poetry collection, available on Amazon:

My stories

Smack Your Bloke Up

(Caudate sonnet): If I growled, “You are asking for a wallop, for me to thrash your face into a pulp, now shut your bagel-hole, you vole-brained trollop,” so my marshmallow of desire should gulp, the sisterhood would gather for the lynch since it’s a sin to turn your lover victim, to reduce your sweetheart to a flinch. But Man has cause to feel that something’s tricked him...
Cherry

To Lucy K

(Swannet): What goes up must come down, as proved old Isaac, and though you purred that I made you chirrup and chortle more than any other living mortal, it came down shattering in your room of lilac...
Cherry

Imagine This Scenario (part 2)

You hear the gang of judges dizzy with their vapid power. Without a map, your bumpy way gets bumpier by the hour. The mob are weaving forth, they’re loading all their shrieking howitzers, they sermonise and slander you into a den of counsellors, they catapult their boulders of debilitating dogma and batter down your barricade. You gallop to a doctor. Who else is there? Your father’s shuffled through this sieve of fishiness. Was he a father ever? Or just half a sexual synthesis? You charge and jerk upstream to reach dejection’s chilly origin. You lurch upstage. No width, no depth, no space to jam a sausage in. Here swoops a fixed absorption, a tsunami of perceptual change that chops your judgement into shreds and chokes your intellectual range...
Cherry

Imagine This Scenario (part 1)

Imagine this scenario. For centuries, millennia, your ancestors have ploughed the fields of Britain, milking many a moocow, pulling many a lever, scrabbling at many a coalface, been frogmarched off with bayonet, rifle, sword, to stop the whole place from caving in, as they were told by those who owned the silos, who fattened up the empires, whipped the natives, shot the rhinos. Your ancestors were Irish slaves, Welsh miners, English shepherds, they laid the pipes, they pumped the sewage, dug the roads, were peppered with German bullets, choked on mustard gas, built ships and lorries, stoked engines, mixed cement, fought off a million mortal worries, fought typhoid, cholera, polio, Napoleonic trouble, kept calm and carried on while Hitler smashed their homes to rubble. Your father drives a minicab. Your mother feeds machinery. Twenty-storey tower blocks make up the local scenery...

Lichtenberg

Here I hang, kicking around the concrete communist cubes (block sechs, block acht) garnished with greens and grinning crimsons to inject Lichtenberg with cheery richness, a huge treasure chest of gushing yummy cherry and orange community spirit...

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11 of my comments have received 14 Great Feedback votes

2 Votes

You should read the

Posted on Sun, 21 Oct 2018

You should read the revolutionary theories of Russell Grant.

 

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Posted in Morning Star Horoscopes Page, with Karl Marx

2 Votes

I'm touched that you enjoyed

Posted on Mon, 16 Jul 2018

I'm touched that you enjoyed it so much. Thanks for such a nice comment.

The poem is of course based on Friedrich Schiller's "Ode an die Freude" - "Ode to Joy" in English - a poem which I love in spite of the fact that it is now the anthem...

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Posted in Ode an den Dönerkebab / Ode to the Doner Kebab

2 Votes

I've done it live a few times

Posted on Mon, 21 May 2018

I've done it live a few times, yes. One time was at the Poetry Place at Covent Garden, which is full of dreary, mumbling old gits. One old bird didn't seem to like the poem much, as she wrote a poem in the interval decrying poets who use "over-...

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Posted in Chicken Caesar

1 Vote

You must be. Karl Marx knows

Posted on Sun, 21 Oct 2018

You must be. Karl Marx knows his astrology.

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Posted in Morning Star Horoscopes Page, with Karl Marx

1 Vote

We will also build walls on

Posted on Fri, 05 Oct 2018

We will also build walls on our bridges...

 

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Posted in My Brexit Poem

1 Vote

My two favourite Welsh forms

Posted on Thu, 27 Sep 2018

My two favourite Welsh forms are the Cywydd Llosgyrnog, which I attempted here:

https://www.abctales.com/story/alfie-shoyger/no-warm-arms

and the Clogyrnach:...

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Posted in Job Centre Gwawdodyn

1 Vote

Thank God for that, I thought

Posted on Thu, 05 Jul 2018

Thank God for that, I thought I was the only one. I hate buttons too. Especially little fiddly ones.

I once lived in a flatshare with a seamstress, and she loved them. A real koumpounophile. She even had a huge plate-sized one on the wall...

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Posted in Koumpounophobia

1 Vote

Thanks, Jose. The form is

Posted on Fri, 30 Mar 2018

Thanks, Jose. The form is called a ghazal, which is a favourite of mine to write in.

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Posted in Maturity

1 Vote

Shall oi compare ee to a

Posted on Mon, 12 Jun 2017

Shall oi compare ee to a summer day?

Ye be gert lush, me babber.

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Posted in Biss or Bissn't

1 Vote

I didn't say it was morally

Posted on Thu, 29 Mar 2018

I didn't say it was morally right for the Jews to steal Arab land, I just said that I don't care, because Arabs have enough land already. The Jews are Middle Eastern too, and after everything they've suffered throughout history, they deserve a...

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Posted in End Islamophobia (In the Blairite Party)

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