The non sequitur xmas thread

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Thu, 2004-12-02 23:40

stormy-(unverified)

The non sequitur xmas thread

RULES:

1. No posts are to be responded to.

2. No conversation will be tolerated.

3. Posts inspired by previous posts will be heavily frowned upon.

4. Rambles and rants are allowed, responses not.

5. The theme is Christmas but topic-straying posts will be tolerated provided they are either interesting or amusing.

6. Please try to be as entertaining as possible.

7. Posts can be of any length.

8. Rule breakers will be punished - but not in this thread, otherwise the punisher will become a punishee and things will become complicated.

9. I'll start:

The residents of Stormy Mansions have been debating the merits of real xmas trees versus fakes. We have had a real one for as long as we can remember and they are lovely. Except when needles stick in your feet, despite the best efforts of our Miele Major Suck-off vacuum cleaner, the following September.

But they are a pain in the arse... difficult to get in the house and back out again. I get a rash if ANY part of me touches even the scent of pine. Even the ones that claim not to drop needles still do. The remains of the last five years worth of trees litter our back garden. And so we are thinking the unthinkable... shall we go plastic?

A recce has been planned for this coming w/e to evaluate the plastic imposters. A typed report will not ensue but a vote will be taken. In event of a tie, Firstwife will undoubtably bend the rules and come up with some illogical reason as to why she has the casting vote.

Unfortunately, I can only ever defeat her 'logic' some days later by which time it is usually too late.

I am already looking forwards to next September and finding that the reason I am limping is due to a pine needle embedded near my pinky toe.

Not only that, I have a really bad back at the moment and does anyone care?

Sat, 2004-12-04 17:47

mississippi

A toupe?

Sat, 2004-12-04 17:50

radiodenver

Mail order!

Sat, 2004-12-04 18:00

mississippi

No, hair mail.

Mon, 2004-12-20 23:17

Julian

Tonight I got home to my parents' house and was getting all snug and Christmassy while my dad went to the chippy when the doorbell went. This sent me into a state of confusion about answering the door because if it was the milk/postman or the blokes who wash our wheelie bin it would be one of those "I'm sorry my mum's out" conversations that I really feel too old to have with anyone on the doorstep anymore. Anyway, I bit the bullet. I answered the door, and there, in all her glory, was a tracksuited young girl of about 14 singing "We wish you a merry Christmas." We both managed to only make eye contact a couple of times throughout this excruciating experience, before she had her figgy pudding, I gave her the 60p in my pocket and she went away. It was only later I realised that she's blatantly doing the rounds to get fag money so she can smoke at the shopping precinct with blokes in XR3is. Gutted.

Sat, 2004-12-04 18:02

radiodenver

Yours falling out George?

Sat, 2004-12-04 18:09

fish

moderator ... you should take action ... some nitwits are ruining this magnificent thread ...

Sat, 2004-12-04 18:11

Fridge U Like

Orders anyone?

Sat, 2004-12-04 18:13

fish

this year we will have to elevate our christmas tree to prevent the dog from eating the trimmings ...

Sat, 2004-12-04 18:14

#10

mississippi

No Gary, I have more hair than I know what to do with. Large cherry ice cream please.

Fri, 2004-12-17 19:57

#11

Rachel

I love this thread, can you tell? A friend of mine called earlier. She works on a teaching farm has been busy the last couple of weeks doing daily nativities for local primary schools. Last night as she ambled into Bethlefarnham on her donkey, dressed as Mary, and enquired if there was any room at the inn, some chavlett piped up "Computa says no". (which you will only get if you've been watching second series of Little Britain.)

Sat, 2004-12-04 18:27

#12

Liana

I've half a bottle of wine in prep for Christmas binges. Amazing how pissed you get when you've been dieting for a month. And I've lost my phone. Does anyone know where I put it?

Sat, 2004-12-04 19:37

#13

britgrrl

Hey, why wasn't I banned? I did a perfect turn at violating all the rules. Not only that, no one's helping me locate the pleasure department! *kicks Liana's phone under the sofa (why should she have all the fun?) and tony's imported toupet into the custard. Pouts, big time*

Sat, 2004-12-04 19:42

#14

Liana

Well, the whole bottle of wine has gone now. I have retrieved my phone from beneath the cat. *glares at shelagh but doesnt respond to her post for fear of being relegated to the sin bin* I've just bought a pigskin coat on ebay, cos its cold in belgrade in January, which is where im heading. I get to have christmas there as well as here, as the orthodox one is later than ours. hip hip etc. and i get to see REM. ha.

Sat, 2004-12-04 19:46

#15

mississippi

I believe, for guys at least, that the pleasure dept can be located between your sighs, Shelagh.

Sat, 2004-12-18 00:30

#16

stormy

In the next few days, the Catholic church opposite my house will put on its outdoor evening nativity. Live animals and chilled-to-the-bone humans are usually involved. Last year, a TV crew turned up and spent two hours filming and interviewing these beings for a thirty-second slot on Look East news (a classic example of an oxymoron). It saddens me to report that, although one window of our house was shown in a background shot, the other - which featured four gurning stormy's - was not. We shall endeavour to be more successful this year although, should a man fall off his bike in Cambridge during the three day nativity, we have no chance of seeing the busy crew of Look East in these parts ever again.

Sat, 2004-12-04 20:03

#17

britgrrl

*splutttter* I do love a man who can do word-play :))

Tue, 2004-12-21 01:57

#18

stormy

The aformentioned Catholic church nativity started tonight. This year they have one of those Homebase bbq tents rigged up and labelled "the crib" which was odd, I thought. A lorry arrived and delivered a huge beast of a brown cow which was monitored by a man in shepard's clothing - sheep appear to be absent this year. We spotted a goat/donkey/giant rabbit in the background - it was hard to tell through the driving, miserable rain - which appeared to be under the control of a boy in a harrington jacket seated between Joseph and Mary in full blue and white regalia. Brass band carols soon blared out and we retired to the TV, turning the volume louder than normal.

Sat, 2004-12-04 20:13

#19

britgrrl

For christmas this year I treated myself to avoiding REM at the local casino where they recently screamed and moaned around on the stage, wearing little except strategically placed sequins. Here kitty, here kitty....*checks that L. didn't dislodge the phone tap device specific to eavesdropping (for poetic inspiration) on events in belgrade*

Tue, 2004-12-21 01:59

#20

stormy

Shepherd, you tit.

Tue, 2004-12-14 19:09

#21

Emma

<> *faints*

Sat, 2004-12-04 20:30

#22

radiodenver

Where you been hide'n britgrrl? Thought you'd be up in Newark looking for the playhouse by now? Was that you standing outside the Budweiser factory with the megaphone?

Sat, 2004-12-18 01:12

#23

The Apostrophe ...

Guilty m'lud.

Sat, 2004-12-18 02:18

#24

Stephen Gardiner

Tonight, on a night bus in central London, a group of hairy-arsed, and inebriated, hard rockers got on and started swaying about and proclaiming the virtues of some rock combo called "Screwdriver". Now being an old fart, I didn't know about Screwdriver, but some Moslem youths on the bus started berating these guys about what a bunch of dreadful racist twats this band is. The rockers lurched and tried to defend themselves and, to the ringing sounds of applause from everyone on the bus for the Moslem kids, the ponytailed greasies slunk downstairs. It doesn't happen often, but just for a minute I felt proud to be a Brit. If you know what a late night bus in London is like you will know how much this little scene made me glow inside. When I got off the bus the rockers too got off and they really didn't know what had hit them. I suspect they hadn't thought it through too carefully.

Sat, 2004-12-04 20:43

#25

britgrrl

Oh yes, that was me. I'm good with megaphones, denver. Check Fire! Fire! to find out what I've been up to! *grin*

Tue, 2004-12-21 06:53

#26

Liana

Last night, my across-the-road-neighbour's chimney caught fire. What a fantastic treat... eight firemen with big shiny helmets doing manly things with ladders and hoses for an hour.

Sat, 2004-12-04 21:40

#27

britgrrl

memo to self: *make sure liana knows you're teasing about REM* **though not the listening device**

Sat, 2004-12-18 15:36

#28

fish

we've got a new second hand futon ... handy for christmas

Sun, 2004-12-19 00:04

#29

stormy

We targetted Boots today. Never was there so little thought given to so few. Futons? We like futons. Means we can stay over now the kids are older.

Tue, 2004-12-21 16:19

#30

Liana

I chickened out of the game, and did my christmas shopping today. Just finished wrapping most of it, and it occurs to me that there is no greater satisfaction to be had at Christmas, than when you angle the scissors in exactly the right mean little v shape, so that they go sssssssssssskkkkkk through the paper without you having to open and close your hand.

Sun, 2004-12-05 01:31

#31

moderator stormy

Right, everyone is in the sin bin except for those that haven't sinned. Britgrowl, see me for detention. Now, where were we?

Wed, 2004-12-15 00:51

#32

stormy

Oaf dug around in the loft for the decrepit decs this year and Outfit's tree looks spectacular. Oh, the joys of teenagers. My back is better - thanks for all your emails. I couldn't possibly reply to you all in less than five seconds.

Tue, 2004-12-21 17:28

#33

fish

i've made homemade baileys today and have been eyeing up a bottle of tia maria which is a Lady Drink ... mmmmm ... also i went to The Butchers today and bought beef and pork for roasting from a jolly bespectacled young butcher who waggled his joints at me very festively ...

Sun, 2004-12-05 01:43

#34

stormy

Mrs. S. wrote our xmas cards during the week, but the envelopes remain unsealed and unstamped on our lounge floor... this is normal in stormy mansions - we feel righteous for writing so early, then bumptious when evryone else's cards arrive before we post ours - about four days before xmas when we find them under our kid's 'pretend homework pile' Mrs. S. went out on a hen party tonight but assures me she did not talk to any students. I asked her about the strange grease-like smell that wafted in upon her return. She muttered something about having to dance with a Pole. I love her for her multi-culturism.

Tue, 2004-12-21 18:10

#35

Tony Cook

It was my other half's birthday yesterday so I stayed at home and cooked her, her mate and various offspring and their other halves a wonderful Thai Green Chicken Curry. It was so hot we almost blew up in the middle of the night. Strong winds in Brighton. Magnificent. There is almost nothing quite so satisfying. Also put up the Christmas tree and the outside twinkly lights yesterday. I trust they will greet me back as I stagger up the road tonight.

Sun, 2004-12-19 10:01

#36

mississippi

In contravention of rule 1, to wit.. >>RULES: 1. No posts are to be responded to. << Colin is sent to the sin bin for 24hrs.

Sun, 2004-12-19 13:13

#37

funky

where am I?

Sun, 2004-12-05 10:48

#38

mississippi

ER, it's 'multi-culturalism. Sorry, but I came over all pedantic. Do you know her by the way?

Sun, 2004-12-19 20:59

#39

fish

in an outstanding display of christmas spirit my neighbour has made a surly complaint about my broken down mondeo being parked outside his house for three months ...

Thu, 2004-12-02 23:59

#40

fish

what really annoys me is when people on television shows which come after question time .... which debated whether or not kids should be told lies about the existence of santa ... well what makes me BOIL is when someone on the aforementioned television show (this week) says "this ... (such and such a situation) reached a crescendo ..." i am infuriated by it because you cant REACH a crescendo ... a crescendo is by definition a gradual increase in volume/tone ... its the thing on the way to whatever is reached (a climax?) ... its as bad as saying a pleasant twitch in the pleasure department is actually an orgasm ... its SO irritating ... diane ruddy abbott .... grrrrr

Fri, 2004-12-03 00:11

#41

Hen

Right - I'm stealing that for some kind of surrealist scene.

Mon, 2004-12-27 01:59

#42

stormy

I often walk about our house barefoot... nothing religious or weird or owt ... I happen to like it. Given the amount of dangerously-sharp, scissored-undone, packaging, idle drawing pins awaiting the cards that never came and accidently dropped cliches, I wore sandels this weekend. "Jesus Christ!" Oaf tested the junior stormy swearometer, "Do you know what you look like?" "I don't care," I said, and executed a perfect pas de deux on my way to the kitchen after watching celebrities ice-skating. Later, between Stephen Fry and Blazing Saddles, I managed to rip off half my left big toe-nail by way of connecting it with the heel of my right foot sandel during a special manouvre entitled "one foot in front of another" There was a lot of blood. "Fuck" I said.

Fri, 2004-12-03 00:15

#43

moderator stormy

Henstoat in the sin bin... you are not allowed to post to this thread for 2 days. Further infringement will result in severe piss-taking on the byers road.

Fri, 2004-12-03 00:51

#44

andrew o'donnell

I thought I'd escaped. Either way I haven't. I crave meat at least twice a week. The songs in Burger King sometimes vary ..but still I'm cursed. It is like Noddy Holder is actually singing from my Bacon Double Cheeseburger.. like it's a tiny, spongy speaker with multicoloured scarves and mistletoe at its centre. Like a fucking quality street. At night sideburns creep out of my ears and wrestle for control of my pillow. I find glitter on my tongue, bell bottoms in my toilet bowl, snow in my pee, elves in my fridge, brandy in my cupboard, ..it reads 'Ho Ho Ho' on my cereal box ..I find solace only in unbranded, tasteless coffee. My duvet calls to me from the basements of department stores ..it's been kidnapped.. I will never get it back.. they've sold it party poppers, tracing paper crowns and wreaths of every description.. it needs cash ..it's desparate. Someone dressed as Santa peers down from the roof of Big Mart.. and proceeds to masturbate all over the shoppers. This room is cold.. the way I like it. That damn song doesn't stop. 'Did your granny always tell you that the old ones are the best?' [%sig%]

Fri, 2004-12-03 01:10

#45

Rokkitnite

Hantaviruses are spread by mice and rats. They cause respiratory problems and eventually result in death from a disease called Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome (HPS). Sometimes, when lots of fake Christmas trees and snowspray are in close proximity, I get a bit short of breath and feel woozy. I can only conclude that said festive festoonery is infested with some kind of Santavirus. Come the Islamic Revolution, we'll finally be able to put all the commercialism of Christmas behind us, thank Allah!

Fri, 2004-12-03 01:25

#46

britgrrl

its as bad as saying a pleasant twitch in the pleasure department is actually an orgasm ... what I want to know for my christmas planning is the exact location of the pleasure department, where you can buy twitches and plastic organs...organses?...orgasmez? that leave tingly feelings that will radiate and stick to your toes til the following september when they can be revitalized by a sucking-up machine. Harrods?

Fri, 2004-12-03 01:26

#47

ely whitley

when did christmas become xmas? is the cross meant to be an association with Christ? or is it because people often say, "crissmas" and 'criss' goes with 'cross'? and as if that weren't bad enough people are actually saying the word 'exmas' now! i just don't see the change from christ to x. It's like changing mistletoe to bumtoe, it doesn't make sense. why? when? who? somebody please.

Fri, 2004-12-03 09:12

#48

mississippi

People that post threads of a provocative nature and expect no response from me make my piss bubble. I don't give a donkeys dick WHAT the rules say. In fact the whole idea of rules pisses me off. For many years now I've been aware that the need for rules is rooted in the propensity of humans to do just what they bloody well want to. It follows that ALL rules are in direct contravention of human nature and are therefore anti-social. In my capacity or chief rule breaker I feel it's encumbent on me to tell Colin that plastic trees are shite; get a pair of Tuff boots to perambulate around the lounge in!

Fri, 2004-12-03 09:19

#49

Stephen Gardiner

When I had completed the task of pushing a poultice of soggy herbs and bread up the turkey's bum I reached for the baster and paused. As I gripped the bulbous rubber end my thoughts turned to Rachel and I wondered whether she had ever visited the car boot sale where I bought this device. The children hummed carols on the sofa in front of a roaring fire. The cat was devouring the remains of a squirrel in the garden. The phone rang, but it was a wrong number. I said it didn't metter, I had to answer it anyway.

Fri, 2004-12-03 11:58

#50

fish

clove oil is not only christmassy in its smell but it is very good for the temporary relief of toothache and for deterring cats from pissing on the parquet behind the telly ... offputting when you want to sit and enjoy morecambe and wise ...

Fri, 2004-12-03 12:27

#51

Santa's little ...

The two Ronnies are back

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