Soul Mates???

They met for the first time while they were waiting for a bus. It
wasn't a coincidence that they were there at the same time but they
hadn't met before, as their paths simply had not crossed. The bus was
to take them and the rest of their group on a trip organised for their
teenage children as part of a club outing, 4 days in hot foreign parts,
via Heathrow, they were part of the small team of parent
supporters.

The events for the teenagers, though they dominated the schedule,
somehow became secondary for him as they could of course, and wanted
mainly, to be free of parents and they could most of the time, look
after themselves. He realised that he found himself engineering reasons
to spend time with her, though he was careful not to appear over keen
in case he pestered her. This was perhaps a fine balancing act, but
with the mixture of relaxed events and yet sometimes hectic scheduling,
all seemed to work well. He hoped though that he didn't offend her by
appearing uninterested or unfriendly at the wrong time, he was not a
great tactician in the art of relationships. They both accompanied the
group, talking and laughing about many things and joining in and
helping out. They visited some fascinating places, enjoying real
experiences and formed great memories in a very short period of
time.

They had a great many things in common, their children were the same
age, they had both been married the same length of time, within just a
couple of months, but apart from these facts, they shared the same
sense of humour and interests in many things.

They were both happily married in fact, and to have overtly displayed
his enthralment in this marvellous and attractive lady might not have
only come across as disrespectful and annoying to her, it may also have
given the wrong impressions. No doubt, he thought, she was always
fending off advances and admirers and he didn't want to appear to be
just after "one thing" and overstep the mark and he also had
responsibilities to his loved ones of course. He was certainly
attracted to her, based on admiration, and though there were
opportunities when they could have got to know each other extremely
well, it just didn't happen, it wouldn't have been right. In 16 years
he hadn't as much as kissed another woman, other than his wife, not
that he had come across many opportunities in the past and not had to
exactly fend off advances but in the special circumstances they found
themselves in it would have been easy for him to make moves and make
"suggestions", but as a highly capable person her undoubted rejection
and shock that would have inevitably followed would have left him
feeling foolish and regretful.

He had always tried to live with the ethos of "seizing the moment"
believing that spontaneity avoided regrets and disappointments and yet
because it wasn't right, because it would have ruined things, he didn't
press or pursue, he was rather slow that way, combined with being
rather awkward about such matters. However it would later cross his
mind more than once, as to what would have been wrong with two
responsible adults enjoying each other, he was only human after all.
Surely commitment wouldn't have been necessary; surely it was just
about pleasure and about enjoying the relatively carefree and unique
situation they found themselves together in. But then again what
consequences would have followed? Well, would they have remained
friends?

However with clear consciences, they kept in touch after the trip, they
had got on very well and they did indeed become even better friends and
their families became good friends too. He knowingly and actively
encouraged all this, continually enjoying her good spirits, high
energy, lively personality, gregariousness and fun, she was not a timid
shy type and would capably tackle challenging situations with
enthusiasm. They all spent weekends away camping in groups with other
families, sharing events, parties and the inevitable passing of their
children's childhoods.

Her friendship was very important to him, as she had proved to be a
person of great warmth, humour, generosity and sincerity and as he
genuinely enjoyed being with her, a fact emerged that would astound
him. During a conversation she mentioned that she had an ancestor that
had worked in a certain famous place at a certain time, coincidentally,
so had he. The chances that these ancestors knew each other were high
and the improbability of this and the fact that 200 years ago their
ancestors couldn't possibly have imagined that their descendants would
know each other would dwell on his mind. It seemed to him obvious that
they were supposed to know each other.

From very early on, one thing had become very clear to him, he knew he
was fascinated and intrigued by this special woman. She was, all at the
same time, lively, fun, spiritual, intelligent and beautiful, sincere,
adventurous, straightforward and fascinating; he could have a serious
conversation with her and be entertained and challenged by her high
intellect and her humour, her sharpness, her pleasure and delight, her
smile, her laughter and her enjoyment in life, there was no "edge" with
her, no points scoring, he could relax with her and he believed he had
found a friend for the big journey. And yet, they never discussed their
friendship and so he was never able to properly pay her the compliments
he wanted to.

He certainly continued to enjoy her company and yet he was happy for
them to be "just good friends", he didnt know whether this was what she
wanted, but he certainly did not want to put her spirit in any state of
stress. He didn't want to change or spoil anything now for her, he
considered that she had a great life, and yet he couldn't ignore his
great respect and admiration for her. But circumstances were never just
right to discuss and anyway he couldn't really have explained
everything he wanted to in a conversation, he wanted her to know what
he thought of her and how thankful and delighted he was that he could
call her a friend.

And so all he could now decide was that he wanted simply to state how
he asked nothing of her and at the same time provide some kind of an
explanation of his point of view. He knew that fate had twists and
following a very close encounter with a car that had recently spun
suddenly on a country lane in front of him he realised that unless he
tried to explain she may never know his thoughts.

Hopefully she wouldn't consider him revealing these thoughts as weird
or unusual in any way. He hoped and yet was sure that it wouldn't
threaten their friendship as he knew he could trust her completely with
his previously unshared inner thinkings. If stating his opinions made
things clearer or made her happier in some way, perhaps because she
would understand him better, then that would be just great.

But he didn't really know what she thought and also he didn't know what
she would now think of what he wanted to say!

And so, for many reasons, he wrote it all down!

Maybe she will let him know her thoughts.

............

4 months later...

I faced up to the decision of whether she should know my thoughts, and
I took the plunge and told her them. I could have handled it better of
course, and she read my words though she mustn't have wanted to add
anything. My faith in her was upheld as she treated me with respect and
compassion, to start with, and though at first she didn't understand,
she tried, but then she never did actually manage to understand.

I told her I loved her, but it was without a single demand, or any
necessary decisions that needed making. I told her I wanted us to keep
in touch and be platonic friends, in a simple, no pressure, respectful
way, but she said she wasn't "in love" with me, though she would say
that she loved me several times and that I shouldn't question it.

She said she wanted my company and wanted us to be good friends, and
that was all I wanted too, I was happier at this new higher level with
her now knowing how wonderful I thought she was.

We emailed each other and we chatted and we discussed things that
mattered, but we went round in circles, we tried to explain, but she
would get wound up again and again, and as doubts and worries, kept
coming from her, I asked would it be better if I left her alone? She
said, no! And I tried to keep it light, then suddenly, she rang me, in
real trouble she said, in the middle of the night.

She told me what I must do, that I must include God, and I said I did,
I would, for sure, I didn't really know what to say, I did my 2am
bleary eyed best, tried hard to say the right things and to say that
all was ok.

But the next day when I went to see her to help, she suddenly seemed to
change, as with a drastic and hard "its goodbye!", she left me shocked,
strung out, high and dry, stuck in a hell, with her "sorry!" and an "oh
well!"

"You'll get over me" she said, had she believed or understood a word
that I'd said?

She said that if I loved her, I would let her go. I did - both these
things.

I had to let her go, its what she said she now wanted.

She wouldn't have asked me to let her go if she wanted to be friends or
did love me.

She had to do this she said, for her own sanity, yet she really
understands rejection, she knows the hurt and the effect, yet inflicted
it totally on me, did I really deserve that and the effect on my
sanity?

But I couldn't reject her and I told the truth, but what can you do
when you struggle for proof?

But all our similarities, coincidences and thinking, all our shared
energy and friendship, all our distant past, present and lost future,
all the potential help I want to be for her, all our times of laughter
and craziness and sense of fun, count for nothing, to her, its over,
its done.

I had offered her what I could but she didn't want to know me anymore,
I had told her I was there for her, that's what friends are for.
My hopes for a great friendship, have been turned to dust, she was so
wrong in not being able to trust.
There must be no emotional angle for her, so no doubt she can cope,
whereas I believed what she had told me, what a dope!

It was a risky roller-coaster ride, with so few ups,
hanging on to the facts with a white-knuckle grip
but not back to the start, instead
I'm still careering downwards, trying not to slip,
I'm unable to breathe, or do the simplest task
Left grinning like a fool, wearing a mask

Now it's walking a tightrope, balancing reality
With tears in the eyes, as there's no duality
So black, so sober, so sad, so stupid
Was trying to move to a higher level, worth all this?
No! Bloody cupid!

She just did what she wanted
Was it without a care?
I won't ever know, she won't ever share
We've each lost a friend
Where is the progress?
Where is the gain?
For me there's only that she can't ever say goodbye to me again

But I feel no anger and I can't hate
Those aren't emotions that I can rate
She called me a liar and said that she couldn't trust me
Despite all our contact, she just doesn't know me!
So insulting!
And all oh so wrong!
I'm at a loss,
My friend, so long!