Cavell began to realize the situation I was in, although I was extremely confused. He understood his friends, but he has been here for years. I was tired of being confused, and I missed home.
"Whats going on?" Cavell looked at me. His eyes were lined with water, but he wasn't quite crying yet.
"Binaji is a giant that lives way up north, in a mountain's cave. Human is the only creature than can defeat him. He rules over Iminitia." Cavell's voice was low, sad, and slightly broken up.
"If Binaji found Cavell, he would be outraged. No one knows what he would do." Annamillie looked at Adelphie, who was worried for Cavell.
"But no one has thought of it either." Adelphie added, "No one believes a human can get into Iminitia."
"But I did." Cavell said quickly, "He hasn't found me, and he has no idea I'm here. We can hide Sophie too." Hope filled Cavell's eyes, but the fairies seemed doubtfull.
"You know I'll help you no matter what, Cavell." Annamillie told him, "However, I have my doubts about this."
"Cavell?" Adelphie began, "Where will she stay?"
"Why are you asking that? She'll stay with me of course." Cavell was sure of that. I wouldn't mind either. But I feared Caolan and his rough exterior.
"People asked so many questions when Caolan suddenly had a nine year old roommate, Cavell. What will they say about Sophie?" Annamillie agreed with her sister, Adelphie.
"She can't stay at Caolan's house." Adelphie said, "But maybe she can stay here?"
"I don't know, Adelphie."
"No one else knows about Cavell and Sophie, and we can't tell anyone either, Annamillie. She has to stay here." Adelphie was excited about the idea. I was nervous, though, because it sounded like she was right.
"We do have an extra room above the house." Annamillie thought out loud.
"Yeah, we do!" Adelphie practically shrieked.
"I guess she can stay here, if it is okay with her." Adelphie jumped her way over to me.
"Will you stay here?" the younger fairy asked me.
"I, umm-"
"She doesn't know you." Cavell interupted. I looked over at him. He was sad.
"Cavell, its not like you can't ever see her again. It's better for her safety." Annamillie said.
"It's better for your safety too, Cavell." Adelphie told him.
"I guess so." Cavell agreed.
"Come on, Sophie! I'll show you your room!" Adelphie jumped up and down, grabbed my arm, and pulled me away from Cavell, our hands falling apart. As Adelphie lead me up the stairs, I looked back down at Cavell, who was looking up at me, a look of grief on his face.
At the top of the spiral staircase was an open room. It help two beds, one for each fairy. To the right of the room stood another set of stairs, but curved up and around a large tree branch. Adelphie let go of my arm, but she motioned for me to follow her again.
We went up the second set of stairs into a small room. All four walls were made of wood, and so was the cieling. There were three little windows, one on its own wall, all facing the staircase. A bed sat on the left, draped with a beautiful quilt. A dresser sat on the right.
"I hope its enough for you, Sophie." Adelphie said. I looked at the room with delight.
"It's perfect." I admitted. I looked at Adelphie, and she was looking at me. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I guess. Its just that I hope you are safe here. I wouldn't want to put you in danger." She watched me carefully as I messed with my fingers.
"Adelphie! Come down here!" I heard Annamillie yell. Adelphie hurried down the stairs, and I followed her, until we were both in the main room.
"What?" She asked, slightly out of breath.
"Everyone is going to the Imin Square. There is a huge meeting. I just asked Heidona what is going on. She was passing our house on her way there. She says we are starting a war." Cavell, who had been behind Annamillie, hurried over to me. Adelphie's mouth dropped open, and Annamillie's expression was serious.
"But with who?" Adelphie asked finally.
"It's a war with," Cavell began, "the cave dwellers."
Comments
Airenia Moon | December 28, 2009 - 22:10
Its been so long since I have written a part of Fallen Rain. I read the first four chapters, and tried to remember where it was going, and ended up writing this. I don't know if it is as good as the first parts, but I'd love some good feedback. Thanks!
- Arienia Moon
Ewan | December 29, 2009 - 08:52
Would you? Or would you prefer honest feedback?
Airenia Moon | December 29, 2009 - 14:57
Honest feedback, of course. I'm thinking I meant I want some good ctitiquing feedback. Like I said, I don't know how I did this time. But maybe you could give me some HONEST feedback? :)
Ewan | December 30, 2009 - 09:36
I went back to read the rest of it first, but I'm going to comment on this one only.
This sentence confuses the reader:
'Cavell began to realize the situation I was in, although I was extremely confused. He understood his friends, but he has been here for years. I was tired of being confused, and I missed home.'
The bold words indicate that your narrator is recalling past events from a present perspective and also indicates that Cavell is still alive and in contact with the narrator. Is this so? If not, you need 'had been' and 'there'.
---
'Whats going on?" Cavell looked at me. His eyes were lined with water, but he wasn't quite crying yet.'
Not quite sure about 'lined' but that's your decision, you could try 'limned' (look it up). However the bold words are unnecessary: you know about "show" and "tell", right? You've tried to "show" he's near tears, so you don't need to "tell" it.
---
Using dialogue is a great way to tell (note no quotation marks) a story, but dialogue - even between fairies - has to sound natural.
'What's going on?' Natural, perfectly normal speech.
'Binaji is a giant that lives way up north, in a mountain's cave. Human is the only creature than can defeat him. He rules over Iminitia.'
Is this normal? People speak in fragments, ellipses and with hestitations and with discourse markers (well, so, you know etc.)
You could also split this much information between the four(?) characters present, much as you split some information between the two fairies just afterward. I think a more convincing exchange might be:
'What's going on?'I asked.
'It's the Giant.' His voice broke on the word.
'Giant?'
Annamillie gasped, 'Benaji! He lives...'
'In the North.' Adelphie finished for her.
'What about him?' It didn't seem such a big deal.
'He's the ruler of all Iminitia.' Cavell's voice had a low note.
'Powerful!' Annamillie said.
'Cruel!' Her sister added.
'Does he have a weakness?' I asked. Didn't everything?
'Humans.' Cavell said.
I'm not suggesting this is perfect, but it will give you an idea of how much dialogue it takes to tell (no quotes!) a story. If you don't do this, sometimes your dialogue can sound like a bad radio play:
'Oh Bertram! I see you have a gun in your hand, are you going to shoot me over my affair with Oliphant?'
I assume you are writing for children? I have no advice to offer for that other than don't talk down to them.
If, one day, you hope to offer something for print publication, proof-read everything several times and then ask someone else to do it for you. You have a few errors in this manuscript, some must be typos but others are simple spelling errors. Any word like doubtful, thoughtful etc. always ends in a single l. Some people will tell you this kind of thing is unimportant, but it isn't. Sometimes using the wrong homonym, for example, can completely change the meaning of what you're trying to say.
Anyway, I hope you're not offended by my being honest. Keep writing.
Ewan