The Time Machine of Thorrocks Manor - 12

“The Sloth and the Iguana went for a paddle
in a beautiful aquamarine sea
and the Sloth displayed his remarkable crawl
while the Iguana displayed on a wall;
at the end of that day, under a moonlit sky,
the Iguana chose to say in reply:
Oh beautiful Sloth, oh Sloth my love,
What a beautiful Sloth you are,
You are,
You are,
What a beautiful Sloth you are.”
“Sir Edward Smear, sir?”
“Was he a sir?”
“I don’t know, sir, but very moving nonetheless. Ah yes, the joy of mutual love – so rare. Did you have any personage in mind, sir, when you were performing that beautiful recitation?”
“No, unfortunately not - since Madame Hautchapeau rejected my romantic effusions, there has been no object for my romanticism, Gargers, sadly.”
“Ah well, I am sure some dusky beauty will come along in due course, sir.”
“I have to say, Gargers, you do do the most remarkable soldiers – so equidistant.”
“Thank you, sir, I was fortunate enough to be the proud recipient of the gift of a soldier-measuring kit from a Zulu chieftain when I was travelling around the southern regions of Africa when in attendance, as butler, on Lord Turpitude.”
“Rum sort of a chap, was he?”
“Very, sir.”
“Now, let’s have a recap on the state of things with our seeming current house guests. Are Dame Hermione and Miss Voo still in rehearsals in the library?”
“Yes and no, sir.”
“Okay, let’s focus on the no bits.”
“Well, sir, while you were reciting so beautifully, Miss Vu left her tiger skin and ran into the hall and disappeared through the understair door marked ‘e’, sir.”
“Are you sure it was the door marked ‘e’ – I do hope so. I hope it wasn’t the door marked ‘E’!”
“Well, sir, I am ninety-nine point nine eight seven six seven three per cent certain that it was the door marked ‘e’.”
“Hmm, so that leaves an uncertainty factor of how much exactly?”
“I was afraid you’d ask me that, sir. I’m not sure of the exact level of unsureness, but I think it’s in the region of ... of about oh point oh one percent, give or take a little.”
“How many cleaners have we lost through the door marked ‘E’?”
“About four at the last count, sir. But we cannot be entirely sure that they were lost through the door marked ‘E’, as they may have exited through the front door, sir, and simply, quite understandably perhaps, decided not to return.”
“Oh well, and the Dame Hermione?”
“Well, while we were discussing the doors marked ‘e’ and ‘E’, Dame Hermione also took fright at the imminent arrival of the police ...”
“Oh no, Gargers, what have I done now?”
“I’m not sure, sir, if it is what you have done so much as what I have done. But we can we put that on the back burner for the moment.”
“Oh, okay, Gargers old bean.”
“Fortunately sir, Miss Vu previously had the good sense to tie a rope around Dame Hermione’s ankle ... well, one of her ankles, given that at the last count she still has two.”
“Two too many, I’d say.”
“So, Dame H won’t get far, sir, as, even now, I can see Mr Houdini’s rope spewing out of the library window cabinet at an astounding rate.”
“Where has she gone?”
“She has exited through the reverse back page.”
“Where does that lead to?”
“Oh, only on to the roof, sir. And the rope has stopped spewing out of the cabinet, and when I look out of the ... oh lord.”
“What is it, Gargs? What now?”
“I am sorry, sir, I lost my train of thought there for a second, as I was somewhat distracted by my current view of Dame Stew, sir.”
“Dame who?”
“Dame Stew, sir. Dame Hermione Stew.”