Goodbye is the hardest word

She was standing by the waters edge desperately trying to see
through the blackness. The water started to swirl in a clockwise
rotation as though the plug had been pulled out of a sink. Her head
felt hot and clammy she started to shake. Words came out of her mouth
but there was no sound, she knew she was calling his name but she
couldn't see him. Her whole body told her he was there.............
somewhere. If only she could just reach out into the blackness and
catch hold of him, maybe she could pull him back to her.

She was desperate now. This battle had to be won. But she just couldn't
get to him. Then she saw the tips of his fingers just beneath the water
and she made a grab for him. They were holding on to each other so
tight, fear keeping them locked. She managed to pull and slowly first
his hand then his arm could be seen. She pulled with every ounce of her
being, the sweat pouring out of her. Then she saw his face, how
frightened he looked, how small. For a split second she realised how
much he looked like her. He was her life, her eldest. Her son. She had
to save him. Her energy was waning and she started to cry, "Please God
don't let me lose him", but the blackness was too strong, too black.
His fingers slipped out of her hand, "JONATHAN!!"

She sat bolt upright in bed, the sheets were soaking and she started to
cry, she felt an arm come across and rest upon her shoulders, gently
she was being held close. "Another bad dream love?" He held her till
the shaking stopped, and they both fell asleep in holding each. Just as
they had, done so many times before.

The next thing she could remember was the alarm, 7 o/clock. Time to get
up. Ben was already in the shower she could hear him singing. She
wondered how he could.
She made her way into the kitchen. Boiled the kettle and got breakfast
ready. She was stirring the tea in the cup and didn't hear him come up
behind her. He placed his arms around her waist and kissed her
neck.
"Oh! Ben you made me jump".
"Sorry love" he said gently.
She turned to see the craggy face she loved. He has aged these past few
months she thought.
"It's ok, have you got everything?" she said. "Yep, I'll be glad when I
don't have to do this any more. This time next week a new start".

She looked at him and smiled, he wasn't much to look at, no hunk, but
he was all she wanted or needed. She wasn't sure if moving away was the
answer but she was willing to give it a go. She kissed him on the
cheek, this was the man she loved and who loved her, the father of her
.....

Ben got himself dressed and picked up a slice of toast from the kitchen
table, "I'm off, I'll see you later".
He kissed her on the cheek this time, and headed for the door. "Oh
Meg!"
She looked up "what?"
"I love you", he said.
With that he was gone. He left her smiling as usual. He knew that she
hated being on her own, although it was a lot worse since the
accident.

She walked over to the living room window to wave good-bye. Wrapping
her lilac dressing gown tightly about her she watched as he came out of
the main entrance door of the block. She saw him walk over to his car
and she smiled when he looked up and waved to her. They couldn't see
each other clearly. The eighth floor was along way up, especially when
the lift was out of order.

He drove off out of the square. All that was left was a dry patch on
the ground, where his car had been. Only then did she realise it had
been raining.

Meg had a shower and got dressed slowly. She knew she was only delaying
the inevitable.

She walked towards Jonathan's bedroom door. She hadn't been in there
for a while. After the accident she slept there day and night for two
weeks. Not eating or talking to anyone. Then she remembered she had
Ben, and it gave her the strength to go on. She turned the door handle,
her heart was pounding in her head, and her hands were shaking, she
took a deep breath and walked in.

The room was just as he had left it. A bit dusty but everything still
in it's place. Even his old trainers were still on the floor where he
left them.

She remembered screaming at Ben when he tried to tidy them away. They
had to be left. It was if Jonathan would come back and tidy them away
himself and that moving them would put a jinx on it. In time she
realised that he wasn't coming back. That he wouldn't be putting them
away. And that he had died.

Now she had no choice, she either had to pack up his belongings or
leave them for someone else to throw away and she knew she couldn't do
that. She sat down on the bed.
So many memories came flooding into her head.
She remembered the first day they moved into the flat. Jonathan was
only six weeks old. The local council gave them the flat because they'd
had the baby. It was a nice block in those days. Neighbours were good
to each other. They took it in turns to wash down the balcony and the
stairs. You would always see someone you knew and they would always ask
how you were.

Everyone would remark on how beautiful her pride and joy was. More like
a girl than a boy, they would say. How he hated it as he grew. Always
having his curly hair cut short so they couldn't joke about how sweet
he looked. What a handsome young man he had become. A joker. A dreamer.
So determined.

He had wanted to be on ships from the day his dad took him for a ride
on the Woolwich ferry when he was five years old. Now all his dreams
were for nothing. His ambitions wasted. His life gone. There was
nothing left to show for it except these few belongings and her
pain.

She was grateful for the time they had but she felt cheated. She felt
anger.
The empty boxes had been waiting to get into the room as soon as Meg
knew they were moving. But the courage to pack up his life had evaded
her until today.

She decided to be sensible and throw the rubbish away. Up until now she
had kept everything, even the sweet wrappers left in the waste paper
bin. She knew it was silly to hold onto these things, but there was
nothing else, except her memories. Now it was time to let go, her
memories would have to be enough.

His clothes were the hardest things to pack, she could still smell his
deodorant. At fifteen he was particular about smelling nice, she
remembered wondering if he'd had a girl he was interested in. She found
his favourite baggy jumper, a Mets baseball cap and his stereo. She
found his diary in the top drawer of his bedside table, and put it in
the box for things to keep, never reading a line, she was not ready
yet.

In his nic nak box she found the signet ring, his granddad had given
him when he was six or seven. When he died Jonathan was inconsolable
for months. The ring meant a lot to Jonathan and so did his granddad.
Meg had forgotten all about it. She put it on the chain around her neck
to keep it safe.

She put the smelly old trainers in the rubbish bag. The whole morning
had gone before she realised. But she had sorted out his room. It
looked so bare. It was as if he had never been there, and even more so
when she took down all his posters of ships and maps.
He was going to sail around the world and have big adventures. Then he
was going to write home every day and tell his mum all about it. She
could still hear his voice ringing in her head, hadn't she heard that
so many times?

She took the trainers out of the rubbish bag and put them in the
keepsake box, maybe memories weren't quite enough just yet.

She came out of his room feeling as though the black cloud had come
back and covered her heart. She decided to go for a walk. Maybe fresh
air would help. It had started to rain again, so she grabbed an
umberella and went out.

She caught the urine lift. It was disgusting. She knew she wouldn't
miss it. She found herself walking past Johnathan's school towards the
high street.

At the bus stop people were boarding a bus and she found herself
queuing up behind them and got on with no thought to where she was
going. She was lucky to find some change in her coat pocket and paid
the driver. Her mind was nowhere and everywhere. Her thoughts brought
pain.

She got off about five stops later and realised she was heading towards
the cemetery.
She walked very slowly, she felt as if she had a sack of potatoes tied
to each leg. "What on earth am I doing here?" she said to
herself.
She walked through the big iron gates that seem to stand sentry at
every cemetery in the country.

In the distance she could see people were standing around a grave. She
could hear the vicar's voice wafting through the air above the grieving
sounds. It brought that horrible day back to her in a flash. She
couldn't make out the words, but she could guess them. She walked over
to where Jonathan was buried with his granddad.

The rain had stopped and the sun was shinning. A rainbow appeared.
Except for the far away grief from the funeral across the way, a few
birds and the whirring noise made by the gardener pushing along his
lawn mower, there was peace and quiet.

She hadn't been there since the funeral. She didn't know if Ben had
been, they never really talked about it. Her heart felt so heavy.
She realised she had forgotten to breathe and gasped. Tears ran down
her cheeks but she didn't notice them. She wasn't crying on the outside
but inside her heart was broken.
She had come to say goodbye. It was like losing him all over
again.

"Please understand Jonathan", she said, as if he was standing there
with her.
"It's for the best". She was asking for his permission.
She could almost see him with his arm about her shoulder, pretending to
be leaning on her but really trying to hide the affection he had for
her and being "cool" about it. He was saying that she should move away
and carry on.

She knew in her heart that although she was leaving his grave behind he
would always be with her wherever she was, until the day she died. But
she had to visit one last time.

Anyway they were only moving to Dorset it wasn't a million miles away,
but she contemplated if she would ever come back.
She looked around at all the graves and wondered if the families ever
came back to them. Some of the head stones had dates going back to
1830. How many times did they get a visit, or were they
forgotten?
It was Ben who wanted Jonathan to be buried with his dad. They had been
so close. It seemed right. Meg knew it would have been what Jonathan
wanted too.
She wasn't really in a fit state to organise anything at the time, so
Ben took over, and glad to be doing something constructive.
All the flowers had been cleared away, long dead by now she supposed.
She decided to buy some from the flower stall just outside the gate.
When she got there she settled for a single red rose. She took it back
to his graveside and placed it on the earth.
She recalled the bereavement counselling session she'd had after
Jonathan had only been gone for two weeks. Everyone said it would be
good for her.
She met Sally there. Sally had just lost her baby girl. The hospital
had told her it was a cot death. It didn't really matter what they
called it. It didn't make the pain any less or the fear that she may
have been able to prevent it in some way.
Meg wondered at the time if it was harder to lose a baby when it hadn't
had a chance to experience life, and before you'd had the chance to get
to know it, or nurture it into a little person.
Or was it worse after you'd had them for fifteen years, watching them
grow into an individual in their own right, with plans for the future
and their whole life stretching before them.
She didn't know the answer for sure but she suspected it. It was the
same, it broke your heart no matter how old or young they were and it
was all consuming.
She remembered the newspaper clipping. The driver of the car had been
drinking. Five times over the limit the coroner said. Later he got
fined. He was only four years older than Jonathan. No insurance. No
road tax. No remorse.
Meg would often wonder if he ever imagined the consequences of his
actions or the devastation he had caused them.

The rain started again, only fine rain now. But it shook her back into
the present. She felt someone sit down next to her, and when she looked
up she saw a face she recognised. It was Ben.
"What are you doing here?" she said surprised.
"Do you know what time it is love?"
She looked at her watch and saw that it was 5 o/clock. "What! I didn't
realise".
When I saw you'd packed up Jonathan's things I knew you'd be
here".

They both sat in silence. The grieving family had gone, so too the
gardener. But the birds were still singing, oblivious to their
pain.
Then Meg said softly, "I came to say good bye, silly huh",
"No" he said, "I had planned to do that before we left".

She looked at him carefully and could see that he was struggling to
hold onto his emotions.
"I pop in every week or so just to check", he said nervously, as if
embarrassed.
She tried to look surprised, but she had guessed. The flowers.
"You never said"
"Well its easier for me because I have the car and I didn't want to
upset you", he was making excuses.

She knew he had to deal with this in his own way, she didn't mind that
he had private time with Jonathan. She felt a twinge of jealousy, but
she did understand. Ben was a private man, but in his own way he was
sensitive and caring. He had lost a son too. She left it at that.

He put his hand in hers and they sat for a while, both remembering
Jonathan in their own way.
"Do you remember the time he fell off his bike and broke his arm?" Ben
was speaking softly now.
Meg smiled " yes, he had to play Joseph in the nativity play with a
cast on" she said, "it was ok until he swung round and knocked Mary's
tooth out and she bled all over baby Jesus",

Ben started to laugh remembering the scene.
"Its not funny" she continued. "Poor Sarah had a fat lip all over
Christmas, her mother never spoke to me again". They were both
chuckling now.
"She was a horrible child anyway". Meg whispered for fear of her
hearing them.
She put her hand to her neck, unconsciously playing with the gold
chain. Then she remembered the ring.
"Look what I found in his room". Meg took the signet ring from the
chain and placed it in Ben's hand.
"Dad's ring", he said. He was almost smiling as he remembered.
"It has his initials on it. The same as Jonathan's. He was so pleased
when dad gave it to him, even though he couldn't wear it for
years".

She wiped away the tears that were now trickling down his face. His
blue eyes were filled with pain.
"Your eye's are leaking, that's what Jonathan would've said, when he
was about five," it made them smile.
Meg took the ring and put it on the little finger on his right hand.
Just where Jonathan and his Grandad had worn it.
"It's your turn to treasure it now," she said.
They both hugged each other, holding on as if their lives depended on
it. Lost in time.
They were startled when, "Excuse me sir, Madam I have to lock up now,
I'm terribly sorry". They both turned to see the old gardener standing
beside them. His cap tipped forward to keep the rain off his face. She
noticed his weathered hands holding a bunch of keys.
"Can we have five more minutes, you see we're moving away and..." Meg
began to panic, there's not been enough time she thought, she started
to cry.
"It's ok miss", he said "I'll check the other end first it will take me
at least that long to get back here".
Ben tapped him on the arm "thanks ".
Ben and Meg walked over to where Jonathan lay, not saying very much
just holding each others hand for what seemed like an age but in truth
was only a few moments. The last time they were there together, was the
day of the funeral.

They needed to be there. They'd let go the feelings that were fighting
to escape. They'd remembered some funny times as well as sad and they'd
dared to laugh. They were back together again after along separation.
Not whole, they would never be that again.
They knew they would be Ok now. Step by step. Day by day. They would
get through and support each other. And they would be stronger for
it.

Jonathan would always be with them. They would always be grateful for
what little time they'd had.

Meg could see the rain drops on her red rose and saw that Ben had put
one there too.
Ben took hold of Meg' hand and they started to walk away. As they
passed through the big, old, iron, gates Ben turned and whispered,
"Good bye son".