REQUEST DENIED

"Deepest sympathy, but your dead granddad's
Not a proper relative, is he? Had
Your mother died we could give you full leave,
Granting you with several days to grieve
But granddads and cousins come out of your
Holiday rations. The full day? Not sure
About that. You could make it back before
Lunch. I've had it all timed. Two hours should do.
Any later and we might have to sue
For breach of contract, so no skiving down
The pub with your family. You can drown
Your tears of sorrow through work. We need you
Far more than your wailing relatives do.
I know! Cremate him! It'll be quicker
Than burial. Ask the undertaker
And the next of kin to speed things along.
Don't sing Abide With Me. It's far too long.
Amazing Grace'll get you back by One
O'Clock, and don't let clients see you frown.
Look happy. Oh, yes, I'm coming with you,
To make sure you don't abscond to the do.
You'll feel like a convict under escort
But your family can witness our support
In your darkest, most sad, distressing hours
Before we claim you back as rightly ours.
They'll say 'What a wonderful agency.
Is there any chance of a vacancy?'
So I'll offer them a job here, and your
Granddad's death will do us all a favour. "

Arthur Chappell