Letter to My Creditors

Alexander Court ( Homeless Hostel)
NFA
Woodborough Road
Nottingham
NG3 4FX
Not on phone -
steve-monkeyflesheater@hotmail.com

Dear Sirs/Madam,

I am writing to you in the most dire of circumstances. After meaning to
contact you for some months, I have only now had the mental faculty's
and most menial cohernece to manage to write to you. In December 2000 I
was admitted into Psychiatric care at the Priory Hospital, Ransome
Road, Nottingham. Since then and just prior to this period I have been
prone to severe mania, delusions and psychotic illness.

After release from this institution, I went back to work for several
days and was intent on paying back any arrears. Unfortunately, after an
episode involving a toy-gun, some super glue and a ultra-sharp razor I
was unfortunately admitted to Ward A42 Acute Psychiatric Ward for the
mentally infirm for an indefinate period. My circumstances have now
changed and I fully intend to pay you any monies owed. This was on the
advice of my ever present feathered- friend the 'Raven', who has
constantly been by my side from the early days, advising and assuring
me on such matters of financial importance.

Currently, I am living in a homeless hostel called Alexandra Court. I
have stale pieces of bread I can offer as terms of repayment and
yesterday I found a half-eaten rodent of some size. Although I was
hungry, I have saved this, in case an retributions need to be made with
alacrity. Please contact me immediately and so we can agree on a
mutually satisfactory proposal of repayment. I look forward to your
responce in great anticipation.

To confirm these eventualities, as described in this letter. Please
contact Ward A42 at the QMC, or my social worker Gordon Garrick at the
John Storer Clinic, Ropewalk, Nottingham. Once again thanks for your
undying patience,

Yours sincerely

Stephen Paul Thomas.

PS - if you would like a more disturbing and distressing account of my
psychological well-being do not hesitate to contact - Dr. David Gill,
Consultant Psychiatrist for Westiminster Healthcare at the Priory. I'm
sure his recommendations will be invaluable - as he is a Russian
Orthodox Priest in his spare time and has loads of money.

PPS - In light of my problems, I recently staggered into a Natwest
Office recently and handed the attendant a crunpled fiver. She was most
ignorant and didn't seem to understand what it was for, after trying to
explain I was thrown out quite violently by two burly security men,
they were not very nice. I sincerely hope this is not a standard
Natwest policy these days as I'll have to write to my MP.