You left today
Waved goodbye and got on that plane
There was nothing I could say
After I Love You
You left to defend the world
From fearsome monsters and dangers untold
But you left me here
With the greatest monster there is
It’s not the boogie man under my bed
Or the strange man in the moon
I’m not afraid of what’s under the stairs
Or something hiding in my closet
When you left you traded my hand for a gun
And my hair for a uniform
The army is your calling
You are the property of the government
But am I not American
For wanting you here
You go to fight for me there
When that’s not where I am
These tears are not for pride
But merely fear of the deepest kind
Will I dread the phone forever
When it rings I think it’s about you
If you want to be brave
Just stay here
Because the scariest thing
Is to lose the one you truly love
As I watched that plane fly away
I realized something strange
That while I want you to defend me
I can't bear to see you leave
Comments
Nathan Bednarek | September 16, 2008 - 16:45
This poem has so much potential and I don't mean this to sound disrespectful, but there are two things I'd change in this poem.
First of all, the line
'When it rings I think it’s about you'
is in the right place, but you could do so much more with it. I think if you'd just use some sort of a metaphor here it would be much more effective. Perhaps if you used the line about the 'hand for gun' (but not exactly the same) image you'd bring much more emphasis and drama into this stanza.
Secondly, I'd just cut the last two stanzas. You don't need them. If you'd change that line I pointed out and cut the rest, I think the poem would become so much more effective.
Again, no disrespect, it's just that I think this poem has a lot of potential and maybe my comment could help.
Nathan.
Silver Spun Sand | September 16, 2008 - 22:47
I agree with Nathan, this poem has much potential.
Tina
Myndstorm | September 26, 2008 - 16:10
thematically i get what you're saying, but the poem needs to be pulled tighter. It sort of flies all over the place. I think it could be magnificent if you restructure, and tighten..