I can hear the slight echoes..

I really like this Beeme ;-)
I am not an expert in poetic form but for me running several unconnected time slices together like this jars a little and from a personal perspective a little gap between them would help. Do you know what I mean? It's hard to hear slight echoes of trees if it's raining hard on your windscreen. Then you say 'as you approach' and 'the lights are off' - but we were just in a car!
This may well be a perfectly acceptable method of writing amongst those in the know and if so then I take it all back but for me perhaps a dash or a newline between the ideas would help - or bring them all into one place. Even if you don't change it I can get over these problems because it has a very nice quality to it. ;-)

Thanks for the advise Jupiter, it's much appreciated. I have edited it, does it sound smoother and less like it's jumping all over the place? lol :)

I still can't work out how to break this piece up though, I'll have to think. ;)

Actually the text imo was better before, all I was suggesting was a '-' or something between the ideas.

How about that? :)

I can hear the slight echoes
of the trees swaying in the
wind - angry rain hits the
glass of our windscreen -
if they say it's over we'll just
shout louder because I love you
more than words can convey.
As you approach I start to flush,
although the light is off I'm...

would convey the idea of being in a car
- and you would need to deal with the 'Outside' part later.
It may be best to get a second opinion before you go too far Beeme ;-)

lol ok I will wait for other opinions but thanks :)

I see I'm not alone in no-comment land today Beeme.;-)
This is a nice poem of yours. Let's see if Magic or Sunday have some ideas when they get here. It may well be fine as it stands. :)

Brilliant work Beeme.

"I'm so afraid that even
when you touch my skin, I shudder;
little black butterflies deep inside
me"

We have all had that feeling in our lifes,when a special moment is about to emerge. Good work, I liked the different emotions and feelings you presented in this piece.

One part I wasn't sure about was the ending

"shutting down the stars."

I wasn't sure what this means. Overall good piece of writing.

Thanks Pinda,

'Shutting down the stars.' basically the same as turning off a light, or when a computer 'shuts down' it all goes dark. I probably haven't expressed that right, thanks for the feedback, glad you enjoyed :)

Thanks Jupiter, I'll wait and see ;)

All prepared for tonight? lol ;)

Hi Beeme - ok we're on - just got the ok from Tony - so if you can post your poem at 7pm - and please remember - spelling mistakes cost votes ha!ha! so get someone else to check it first if you are at all unsure. It's a competition and may the best man win - hey I'm the only man - should be a walk in the park then ;-)
You all polished and ready? Sunday sounds supremely confident :(

Oh no lol :) I'm polished and ready, I'm going to get someone to check before though just to make sure :) Sorry to ask again, but who are the judges for tonight? ;)

Magic, FTSE + tbc + tbc

will give you more info as I get it ;-)

ok thanks :)

I can feel Sunday - pacing up and down - ready to blow us away with her stuff ;-)

ha, ha, awww. She can't help being so good ;)

Ok Beeme

We are very fortunate to have the extremely talented trio of Magic, FTSE and 3Leaf Chris to help us out ;)

So - post your poem at 7 on the dot and hopefully the judges will cast their votes at 7:15.

Good luck to you and to Sunday. ;-)