First christmas

They will keep insisting this is my first Christmas and, well
they're supposed to know about these things but &;#8230; even they
admit it's not. They say it's my second because my first doesn't count.
I can't speak for you but me &;#8230; I'm totally confused. How can
it possibly be my first time when it's my second time? They simply
insist I'm too young to remember my first time. Me, too young? I'm 18
months old! And still the question remains; have they ever asked me?
Have they ever sat me down and said, "Sam, do you remember last
Christmas?" No they have not! They only say silly things like, "who's a
pretty boy then?" I mean &;#8230; do I look like a budgerigar? Or
and even worse, when the grandparents come round, "ooooh, haven't you
grown bigger!" Honestly, have you ever seen anyone grow smaller?
Grown-ups!

It was like a couple of weeks back; Dad was going to treat Mum to a
pair of earrings so off we all trooped to the jewellers. Fortunately I
had a bottle of orange with me because, and I'm not kidding you, Mum
was about three and a half-hours choosing them. Dad was well annoyed as
he wanted to get back home for the football results. Finally she found
some she liked, much to Dads delight and then she was over the moon
when they told her they'd pierce her ears while she waited. It's as Dad
said, "did she expect to leave them there and pick them up
later!"

Anyhow, as I was saying, of course I remember last Christmas
&;#8230; I've seen the video enough times! But grown-ups are like
that; they simply refuse to discuss important issues with me. They
assume I wouldn't understand. Why not give me a try? Even Uncle Ted's
the same. All right, I know he buys me jelly babies and those chocolate
whatnots &;#8230; here, I love the way it gets all over my face and
hands. But mum, she's a proper spoilsport. Believe me, hardly any of it
gets on the settee and what does I wipe off. Mind you, my real
favourite is them sherbety things but they do leave me puzzled
&;#8230; why is it the sherbet goes into my mouth but gets right up
my nose?

But then life's full of unanswered questions. It's like Mum &;#8230;
she often moans about the stink I make which, I admit, can be a bit
&;#8230;well you know. But when all's said and done it isn't my
fault. You see, the point is this, she always promises to change me bum
but when it comes to it &;#8230; you know what she does; she cleans
me bum and changes me nappy. But never ever has she changed me bum
&;#8230; so who do you blame?
It's like that silly question they continually bombard me with "Who
killed Cock Robin?" I mean, they never let me go anywhere on me own so
how would I know. "I, said the sparrow&;#8230; With my bow and arrow
&;#8230;I killed Cock Robin." Well if you know who did it why bother
me? Or "Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water." Be
honest, if you wanted some water wouldn't you find it easier to turn
the tap on? Wouldn't you have thought that by now, being adult they'd
tell me some better ones? I'll tell you what my favourite one is shall
I? It's that scary one "along came a spider and sat down beside her." I
bet she got a new bum after that!

And another thing: sometimes Dad comes home at lunchtime and they put
me into me playpen with a few toys and they go to off to bed. I suppose
they're tired. Then I hear her shouting and screaming her head off
&;#8230; next thing I know she's slobbering up to him and kissing
him all over everywhere and then he goes back to work. And I'm the one
that isn't supposed to understand!

Listen: I'll tell you something but you must promise not to tell
anyone. Promise? Cos if you do, well I won't get any Christmas
prezzies. And believe you me that will never do. So, do you really,
really promise? Right then, I've been discussing things with Ben and
Russell and we've worked it out. Santa Claus &;#8230; he's not true!
It's just another of those peculiarities concerning grown-ups. You see
none of us understand why but they invented him for us little ones and
now they complain about all the money they spend on us! Well if that's
the case, whose fault's that?

Now Russell is six months older than me and he knows a lot of things.
In fact I believe he knows everything! He says that Christmas is one
big excuse for a drinking binge. You see, his Mum and Dad always leave
a brandy out for Santa "to help him on his way." And Ben's Mum and Dad?
They always leave a whisky. A large one! And mine &;#8230; a pint of
lager. Now, and this is Russell's point &;#8230; they all leave
their own favourite drink. So who do you think downs it? And another
thing, if everyone left a tipple for Santa, well, as Russell says
&;#8230; he'd be well pissed! And as for that nonsense about coming
down the chimney &;#8230; me and Ben live in a flat! Yeah, I knew
that would get you thinking.

Here we are then &;#8230; Christmas morning. Brilliant: Mum and Dad
staying in bed and leaving me to get on with things. Look at all this
paper and these smashing boxes I can play with. And then, for
breakfast, there's loads of chocolate whatnots and sherbety things.
Delicious. Think I'll wander into their bedroom &;#8230; just as I
thought &;#8230; Dad's wearing one of them silly paper hats
&;#8230; if only he knew what he looked like&;#8230; but I'm not
telling. What &;#8230; and miss out on next Christmas. There we go
&;#8230; same as last year &;#8230; an early morning brandy. Now
he's giving Mum a drop. That's right &;#8230; brandy makes you
randy. That must be some kind of special sign because it always gets
Mum giggling &;#8230; now they're kissing and cuddling. I knew that
would happen &;#8230; kicking me out of the room when I haven't even
done anything!

I'll have some more of them chocolate whatnots. Oops &;#8230; that's
smudged the settee a bit &;#8230; never mind, perhaps they won't
notice. Think I'll stick to them sherbety things and play with me boxes
and look all-innocent. I'm good at that. I don't know what's going on
in there but there's an awful lot of noise going on.
Would you believe it? After all that screaming and shouting their heads
off they're only coming out all lovey