Seline and the Bank Robber

There was ever such a long queue in the bank. It stretched right to the entrance. I only just managed to squeeze in so I was rather close to the man in front. He turned round and stared at me.

“Excuse me,” he said.
“That’s OK,” I said. I mean no-one can help it. It’s quite natural. Some people get all embarrassed but it doesn’t bother me at all. Mam’s favourite saying was, ‘Where e’r ye be, let the wind blow free.’ She lived her life by that rule and it didn’t do her any harm. Mind she didn’t have many friends.
“Your umbrella,” he said. “Would you mind moving it.”
“Oh sorry,” I said. I realised that my umbrella was poking him in the back pocket. The queue shuffled round a bit so I was able to move it.

“Thank you,” he said in a very polite voice. He was very tall and wore a suit and tie with a briefcase in one hand.
“It was a pleasure,” I told him. It always pays to be polite I find. He gave me a funny look and turned away
I tapped him on the shoulder. “It’s a long queue.”
“Yes, isn’t it,” he said.
“Not that I mind long queues. Its a good way of getting to know people. Complete strangers can be so interesting I find.”
He muttered something that sounded like “sometimes,” but I couldn’t be sure.
“I’m Seline, Seline Allbright.” He didn’t hear me so I poked him gently with my umbrella.
“Seline,” I said when he turned round. His face had frown lines on it. The poor lamb was probably exhausted. I expect he worked long hours in some office for not much pay with a boss who didn’t appreciate him and now here he was queuing up in the bank when he’d rather be home with his wife and... I glanced at his hand. No ring, so perhaps he was single. But then people don’t bother getting married now or even if they do they don’t bother with rings so you can’t really tell. It makes it very difficult. I wondered if he would wear a ring if he was married.

“Yes?” he said.
“You’re quite right,” I said. “Tradition’s important don’t you think?”
“What are you talking about?” He sounded really weary.
There was a comfy looking seat in the corner near the door. “Why don’t you go and sit down,” I said. “I’ll keep your place in the queue.”
“Well that’s big of you.”
“It’s OK. I don’t work you see, at least not in an office or whatever. I do plenty work at home of course. I’ve got a big house and I’ve got my hobbies. You should see my wooden fruit.”
Well one minute he was there, the next he was gone. I didn’t actually see him leave, I was thinking about my collection. I’m looking for a paw-paw just now. Everyone has apples and pears and so forth but you just try to find a paw-paw. I thought for a moment he had taken my advice about having a rest but no, he had gone. Just as well. He’d been a little too strange for my liking.

The queue had got very much smaller now. Time passes really quickly when you are enjoying a good intelligent conversation. People just don’t have time for conversation these days, always rush, rush everywhere. That’s what I like about my friend Senga, she sits and listens, mind, sometimes she falls asleep.
“Nearly there,” I said to the woman in front of me. I gave her an encouraging smile. She looked really worried. I bet she’d been reading about yon bank robbery the other day when one of the customers got shot. It was all over the paper this morning.

“You’re quite safe in here,” I said. “No-one can get to you now.” She was biting her lip and her eyes were looking everywhere. Thank goodness she was next in line, I couldn’t have put up with her for long. I thought I’d better get my bank card out. It’s a new one. I just got it last week. So I started to rummage in my handbag.
“Look,” I said. “First it’s you then it’s me, OK?”
“Oh Christ no!” she screamed and rushed out the door like I don’t know what.

The man behind the counter said “Next please,” that was my turn.
I marched up to the counter and stuck my card under the little glass window thing that’s supposed to stop him from being robbed. Its just a thin piece of glass. It would never stop a real robber, not one with a gun. He’d just shoot through it. Mind, perhaps it was bullet proof glass. I rubbed it with my finger but you can’t tell. It didn’t look very thick and it didn’t say ‘Bullet Proof’ or anything on it. I gave it a tap with my knuckle.
The young man was saying something to me. “What did you say?” I said.

“I said can I help you, Madam?”
“Well yes, actually you can. I want to take out ten pounds and is it bullet proof?”
“Yes madam, I believe it is bullet proof. So I won’t be able to shoot you, will I?” He smirked at me and made a noise in his throat that could have been a laugh. I stared back at him.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to shoot the customers,” I said.
“You’re quite right. There’s a rule about it somewhere. Now can you put your card in the slot and then put in your PIN please.”
I looked at him doubtfully. “My pin? Are you sure?”
“Yes your PIN. You have to put it in before you can get money out. I suppose you’ve forgotten it.”
I didn’t like his tone.
“Of course I haven’t forgotten it. Where do I put it?” I said.
“Just in the keypad there.”

I fished in my handbag. I always carry one of Mam’s old hat pins see. Not that I wear a hat, I mean people don’t these days in spite of all the cold weather caused by global warming. I’ve never understood that, why it gets colder when the globe warms. It doesn’t make sense to me. Senga says you need to be a scientist to understand it and she’s clever so she should know. Anyway, I carry the hat pin because of all these murderers and rapists you hear about. If one of them just looks at me it’s out with the hat pin and stabby stabby goodbye murderer or rapist.
“Are you sure about this,” I said.
“Yes,” he said, but I don’t think he was listening. He was staring at the ceiling and sort of humming to himself like he was trying to be a bee or perhaps a hornet.

I took the hat pin and stuck it into the keypad between the one and the two. Nothing happened so I pushed a bit harder and turned it a bit. Then everything happened at once. There was a flash and a bang and all the lights went out. Everyone was shouting, someone screamed and a bell started ringing.
I kept calm. Right, Seline I said, this must be a bank raid. I pulled the pin out and held it in front of me. There was very little light but I could see a man’s shadow running towards me. He was shouting.
“Everyone outside, everyone outside please,” so I stabbed at him with the pin.
“Holy shit,” he said and ran away.
“Gotcha,” I shouted.

Everyone was running for the door, customers and staff, so I followed them. There was a police car outside when we got out with its blue light winky-winking. Everyone was crowding round, and a lot of pedestrians had stopped to look. What a racket.
There was a man sitting on the ground. I had a suspicion I knew who he was. He had pulled his shirt up and was staring at his belly. He was talking to a friend. I sidled over all nonchalant like and heard him say, “Stabbed me right there...”

That was all I needed. It was him. I went straight over to the police car. There was a young policeman talking into his radio thingy.
“Excuse me,” I said. “I know who the robber is.”
“There’s been no robbery madam. It’s just a false alarm. We’re investigating the cause at the moment.”
“Oh yes there has been,” I said. “And it was him over there. The one sitting down.”
The policeman stared at the man. “I believe that’s the manager, madam. We were just going to have a word with him.”
“I don’t care who he is. He’s the one. He’s the robber and he tried to rape me.”

He stared at me for a moment then he looked at his colleague. The other one shrugged. “Better take them both down the road.”
“Just wait right here, madam, while we go and see about this. And don’t move.”
He spoke very severely and he was a lovely handsome boy. I could have waited all day for him but I remembered I’d left the washing out and it was coming on to rain, so I thought I’d run home and rescue it. So I set off home. There was a lot of shouting from behind. The robber resisting arrest I suppose.

The washing was fine, nearly all dry, apart from my pyjamas, that’s the red pair with the hazard warning sign on the front. Senga got me them for Christmas. They’re cotton you see and they take ages to dry. The rain was off so I left them on the line and went in to make the tea.
When I got back to the bank there was no-one there, not a soul. I tried the door but it was locked. It was then I remembered that young bank clerk still had my card. Oh well, I suppose I’ll have to go back tomorrow, but I’m going to keep my pin handy.