The remaining leaves on the trees
disappeared overnight
frost sprites harvesting
for a makeover
Then they are scattered over mud
by designers with cocked hips
in a pique because
there is too much to do
"but darling it's fabulous
of course orange is your colour
green is so dull so not you"
But the client is a suburban wind
unimpressed and chilly
as soon as they're gone he
rearranges it all
wanting the red of Virginia Creeper
an outre American Fall
Comments
raysawriter | November 17, 2007 - 19:45
Liked the imigery. Good for this time of year. New eyes will often want to change things. I often change my poems on re-reading.
In the first stanza I would leave out the first word 'The'. I would also miss out 'the' in the 4th line. I would think about cutting out the final line 'with long crystal nails' (a good line but keep it for another day)
I would suggest putting the speaking in stanza 2 in '...'s
I think that the last line of the last stanza could be stronger.
Feel free to crit mine. It's quite near yours :))
Ray
camilla | November 17, 2007 - 21:14
It comes from the inspiration point so the first the is part of it.I will consider the other points but it is just a sort of sketch to get going really.
tcook | November 18, 2007 - 14:06
I'm glad you found some inspiration! I like this a lot but I found the notion of a 'client wind' a clumsy one. Is there another way of putting it?
camilla | November 18, 2007 - 15:00
stuuck! what else can one call the householder who calls in the designer?? Suggestions gratefully received.
tcook | November 19, 2007 - 15:40
Yea! That's nailed it.
Ewan | November 20, 2007 - 13:24
I liked the wind as client notion, daring and unexpected and not clumsy at all. Different strokes, I suppose.