See My Failure

Excellent, completely sums up what it's like to feel average around someone who seems 'perfect'. Reminded me a bit of 'Creep' in subject matter.

I'd like to know the real intention behind this poem. It reads very well, almost to the point of being frightening.

Where the writer states that, 'I sympathise with your attacker'. Is that from the writer, or is it someone or something else who is taking the view?

If it is the former, then the writer may be revealing too much and the line between fine writing and genuine concern may have been breached.

If it is the latter (which I suspect), then it is a powerful piece and brilliantly executed.

Writing eh? The mysteries it throws up.

Ralph

I really like this, particularly some of the self-deprecating statements like;

'deep down I know
your personality would probably
beat mine
in a race.'

I know this well.

Thanks for your comments Doeslittle, Ralph and Dynamaso.

It's all the narrator's p.o.v. Ralph, so maybe the line between fine writing and concern has been breached!?

Am I sick?

yes. SICK

no, you're not. i don't think it's that weird, i know where it's coming from but it might come across as a little dark, particularly as it's the introductory stanza. if it came a little later, after you've set the - wry, witty - tone then i think you'd get away with it.

it's a daring line though, i don't think you should lose it. ralph will be fine.

also, i don't think you need the last two lines. end it on failure. if you end it with 'i look at you', it does start to sound a bit much. unless you want that. this is really great though, i like the one line stanzas. x